frustrated/sad about lost time?

So, I've been unwell for over two years now. I am both angry and sad about the lost time. I feel like I'm 'watching life' sometimes...not quite in it. Only partially 'there'.

I know for many of you two years isn't long...so many of you have been suffering for a lot longer.

For me, what's difficult, is that some major events happened in these two years.
The first one was our son moved out of our house, and then more recently to another city.
He and I have always been very close...and it sucks - I've felt so vulnerable and weak - I will never get that time back.
The second one was my father passing away in November. I wanted to 'save' him - I was dealing with poor medical decisions made for a couple years prior to my getting sick...and then after, I could only do so much to fight.
It's just been a very emotional time for me - and I'm kinda angry that I've lost this time.
Cancelled vacations, remortgaging the house, giving up my job, it all shouldn't have happened.

Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can do - I'm just venting...I just have to let it all heal...it still feels raw to me.

Dancingbear - Do you feel - even if you're 'there' for the events - that you're not 'really there'? Only kinda there? It's a strange feeling, when I look back and remember things...

My son is only 3 1/2 hours away...so we still see him every few weeks, but being he is an only child..he left...and it was empty nest.

We just drove down on Saturday, I wanted my hubby and him to spend some time together on Father's Day.

My husband commented to me after that my face lights up when we see him...and I get 'giddy'.

Girlie, I understand, I feel as though I have lost 3 1/2 years. My passion was long arm quilting/designing my own quilts. Have not been able to run my big machine due to muscle/weight loss. Keep telling hubby I have to sell the machine, but he keeps saying "you are going to get better". Love my grandkids , all teenagers now, can''t go on a shopping expedition any more as unable to walk too far. I am the eldest of 10 kids, they are all in UK, me in Canada. How much would I love to go see my family,,,,, but could not travel that far. Have appt to see Dr c in Richmond on July 21, and am dreading the 5 hour flight, but hold the good thought that Abx may make me better.
Keep praying girlie, stay positive. THIS WILL PASS, and our lives WILL go on. We are just going to have to play catchup.. Lots of hugs

It feels better just being able to express my feelings here. No one else truly understands.

GP - My Dad's decline to his passing away was 4 years, too. The last year and a half I had LD.
I lost my mother when my son was 14 months old. That was many years before my Dad's decline, but he was never the same after my mom died. I was Daddy's girl...and my son got close to him, too. It was the hardest thing - to tell my son over the phone that his Grandpa had passed away...and not be able to hug him when he cried.
But, I have told him several times that it hurts so much because of the bond they had...and he is fortunate to have had those years and now has good memories of his Grandpa.
You've been through a lot - with both parents...and now having a daughter with lyme disease. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be.


Quilty - I will be thinking of you on the 21st of July - when you see Dr. C. It is a long flight, but Vancouver really is a beautiful city. And after the initial consult, you can skype or do phone call appt's for several months. It's not ideal, but for me, I couldn't afford to go to Vancouver every 4 weeks...with the ferry cost, gas, and hotel (not to mention the appointment fee.) So, it's the best we can do - maybe one day....things will change, and we can get treatment in our own cities.

Trav - I know - I'm getting better...letting go of the anger and hurt. It's like PTSD - it will take time. I am much better than I was...it's ever so slowly getting better.

Mike - Thanks - big hug back to you! It is true - when I let it out, I always feel better. It's even better for me to lock myself in the bathroom, have a little cry, get it out...than to hold it in, fighting it for hours. It is healthier to release it.

I honestly don't know if I would have even been diagnosed yet..if I hadn't come on the forum...and read, and asked questions. Can't even imagine what I'd be feeling like now....because I really felt like something bad was going to happen...I honestly was scared for my life.

Time is so precious. I understand how you feel completely. When I start feeling like that I thank God that I opened my eyes in the morning and hold on to the little things that may happen during the day. I always have a activity that we plan in the near future that gives me something to look forward to. I find this helps and gives me hope for each tomorrow. I am blessed to have a husband and family that supports me completely and that helps too.

I think so much of you Girlie. Since I have joined you have been nothing but kind to me. thank you for sharing and letting me share my thoughts with you xoxo

Girlie,
I understand completely.... My kids were 1 & 3 when I was dx with ms... My son just got his drivers license...I feel like I blinked and they're in HS!

Some days I'm all strong and fine with it, then other days I get sad, like you, about how different our lives could've/should've been...

I guess its just a part of life...as it circles..

Hey Girlie!

I hear you, and I have been in that place... where there have been a number of significant and consecutive disappointments; significant enough where they take your focus entirely away from the good stuff in life. In my own case, unfortunately I let my focus linger on the negatives in life too long -- the deficits, what I missed in life due to Lyme, the letdowns and disappointments, all that stuff.

You know, I used to wonder specifically what the point was when people said to 'think positive'. Of course we all want to, perhaps we all think we do, I even think that most of us figure that a little self indulgent worrying here and there doesn't hurt...

Unfortunately my time spent lingering on the dark side has proven to me otherwise. I don't want to go into the whole song and dance about the place it took me to and what a struggle it was to get back to anything resembling my old self and a better place... but please allow me to be honest, when I read such as you've written, not from a place of judgement, but from a place of knowing... I hurt inside, I know it is dangerous to think like that, even if it's only from time to time.

To know we shouldn't focus on that stuff isn't enough, toss it aside for your own good Girlie! I know it draws more of the same, I can guarantee that it does.

It's better to focus entirely on the good things in the knowing that to do so will bring more of the same.

I have written this with the kindest and best of intents, and I hope it is read in that same light.

Sending healing vibes your way...

I wanted to add, Girlie, that lest I come across as holier than thou in any way, that now that I do everything within my power to never think of the darker aspects after a brief mental processing of them, it's still very surreal, very false, very disconnected. I am no expert on doing it yet...

Cheers