Posted 11/12/2015 6:58 PM (GMT 0)
So, I know its been a while. Things have been busy here and pretty bad, emotionally. Especially in the couple of weeks leading up to my sister leaving. She decided she didn't want to stick to the texting system we had that was designed so we could both feel safe. So it was kinda a constant panic attack. When she'd come back from her days off, she was sneaking into the house...I know she was trying to create a situation where I'd explode at her, and I didn't. But a year of having to deal with that has me totally shut down emotionally. Plus dealing with all the neuro Lyme & coinfections stuff, where I no longer trust anything I perceive or feel emotionally. The last few weeks were like surviving a siege.
But....It. Was. BLISS! When she finally left! Felt like a huge dark cloud had lifted. I felt light, free and SAFE for the first time in a really long time.
I just made the mistake of reading some of the emails she'd sent me back when we were still emailing. I really don't understand her at all. She makes me out to be an evil, out of control monster...then she tries to 'connect' with me by saying something she thinks I'd want to hear....and then she goes back to calling me an evil psycho. And what she's said in email doesn't line up at all with what she did. I really don't get her at all. And she seems to be under the delusion that I'd want to talk to her and have a relationship with her after everything she says about me.
She sent me a link to an article about a friend of her's who had a chronic health issue, but not Lyme and coinfections. It goes into how this person has been very public with her health issues. My sister wants to know why I'm not like this friend. She doesn't realize or understand that I'm a very private person. I don't see the point in broadcasting every little detail about my health issues to the world.....and especially not to her, since she's taken every opportunity she can to take my vulnerability and use it either against me or as a point her to to attack and exploit. This friend talks about how nice it is to have people she can sit down and talk to openly about what she's going through... and she's right, its great (and why I love this forum). But my sister is an extremely dangerous person to admit weakness too, and there's a snowball's chance in **** that I'd go there with her.
But then babesia started giving me a hard time again. I've had bad babesia depression for a while, but my LLND started me on St John's wort and 5HTP which seemed to help. Then I messed up my artemisia dosing and ran out of danshen and had a babesia herx from **** last week. And the depression has been pretty bad since then. It has moments where it lifts, but its pretty bad for the most part. Also have a lot of fatigue, but not as bad as it was.
I'm also not sleeping well, but I don't know if that's more babesia or adrenal related. I had one night last, week I think, where I didn't sleep at all for 2 days. No idea why. And I didn't feel horrible after that. Then last night I woke up to pee and couldn't fall back to sleep.
Hopefully I'll have more time to be on the forum soon. Things are starting to quiet down some, and my wrist is doing better. To make a long story short 50lb hay bale + Lyme affected wrist = injured wrist.