Howdie peeps, I need your ears!

Well, this is the first internet connection I have had in soo long I have forgotten when, I know there are some of you still here who know me and others not so much. I wanted to bring good news, cos I prefer it that way, but I need an ear and I am outta other options! Tag, sorry you guys!!!

I was doing so well, and on the lyme front I still am, most of my lyme symptoms have dramatically improved, I was having symptom free days and as far as the lyme goes still am - yay for that!!

I am guessing Bart is now my major player (a deduction from the different physical symptoms and the rashes). The physical I can handle, it wears at me but they are not intolerable by any stretch. But psychology I am rapidly becoming a write for off.

My wee man is now 10 months and clearly any mother with a 10 month old is going to be tired (teething....yay, there's a joy, lol!!) so I expect that to take it's toll. I have been basically bringing him up single handed the last few months. My marriage is shot to ****, my OH can't cope (I understand why but it's not helped) so we separate for days or weeks at a time while I 'get myself together'. He finds me intolerable and depressing and has told me so. There are other marital problems too. I think really it is done. I can't see a way of fixing it before I fix me and I can't find a way to fix me without help. I can't take the arguements and I can't think rationally to prevent them. I am not blaming him, it is just like he doesn't want to be, or can't be the one to lean on through this. Who would?

I have the wee man, animals, house etc, etc to take care of. Like I say the physical demands are one thing, but mentally its something else.

I 'cycle' every 8-10 days, I develop OCD like symtoms, I am mentally restless, feel trapped in my own head, suicidal thoughts swim in my brain, I can't think straight, I am beyond irritable, I bawl for no reason and the rage, well we know how that goes. Any stress ( and I mean stupid stuff even) is beyond my ability to cope with and anything seriously stressful results in melt down. I have given up on trying to treat bart at the mo as the psychological herxing scares me - I don't trust myself.

I am stuck, I am scared, I am tired of fighting while trying to masquerade as a well person. I am disconnected from myself and the world most of the time. I love my son, I know I do, he's an angel. I don't feel fit to be his mother. I feel so guilty. He deserves so much better than I can give him.

I know that this will pass but I also know that I will cycle again. I honestly don't know how to go on. It feels like every time I haul myself up something kicks me back down.

I detox like hell, to no avail. I am in charge of treating myself and honestly right now I am not fit to be in charge!!

Blah !! Forgive me; those here who know me will hopefully know that this is not who I am. I just needed to let it out before it finishes me. I need a slap upside the head!!!

Hey Girlie! Too long no see, my friend!!! I hope you're doing ok, I haven't gotten caught up on posts yet!!

For the last few months I have been very isolated, stuck in my field in the middle of somewhere, plus I don't drive. Handy! I don't really have anyone to ask to help, and since one of the big bust ups has been over the finances - like where all the money has gone (OH can't account for it and I have been told it is his, as he earns it, to do with it what he wants) it has left me pretty stuck.

The flares can last as little as a day, if I can avoid all stress, or can start to subside just as the next on hits. It is a little hit and miss. I have only been on herbals, and at very low doses as I have breastfed the weema. I started back on the sida, at just one drop and it took my feet out from under me.

Its the suicidal thoughts that I find hardest to fight - and I don't mean I am actively hurting myself or planning it in any way!! It is more like a voice in my head that just keeps telling me it'd be easier than this. I do wonder if I am schizophrenic. Or having a breakdown and just blaming the lyme/bart. I just can't turn my brain off!!! Or get it to work properly either, lol!!!

Hi goshawk!! thank you!!

I was taking Tryptophan and I did find that helped -actually I had forgotten I took it till you mentioned it, lol!! I had to stop it as it is contraindicated in pregnancy and breast feeding. My obs/gyn had me stop. The uncaria I am currently taking in small doses.

I was previously taking both houttunyia and sida, both made me herx and i had to go low and slow. Again pregnancy interrupted treatment, mostly because of the herxing and my obs/gyn advice. That's why I thought I would restart the sida. Hmm, maybe I should restart the houttunyia first.

I also have detox problems that I know I have to deal with, and I take ornithine to help with that, plus folate and b12. I am still taking these, plus low doses of buhners lyme protocol.

I guess i am now really being a scaredy cat - if i could just stop the psychological becoming unmanageable!!

Hi Silly Sheep, so good to hear from you and congratulations on your little guy!

I am so sorry what you are going through right now. Been there with the exception of a little one.

I don't know anything about Bart but I did experience your psychological feelings and in my case I had too much ammonia in my brain and body and that ammonia played games with my mind, it was very scary!

What helped me was Jernigan's Neuro-Antitox Formula CNS/PNS which bound up all the ammonia and purged it out of my brain and body. If I remember you live across the pond so it may be very expensive with the shipping.

Razzle said yucca root helped her, below are a couple of links about that:

www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=30&m=3451579

Members mention other supplements to help with ammonia toxins:

www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=30&m=3303533

So sorry about the problems in your marriage, my marriage broke up because I was very sick and undiagnosed at the time and hubby didn't understand what I was going through. I ended up asking him to leave because I couldn't take the stress of fighting all the time.

I hope that your marriage doesn't break up and I think the breaks are healthy for both of you..

I don't know if you have high levels of ammonia or not because I'm not a doctor or naturopath. I really hope you get everything sorted out. Hang in there okay?

Hugs,
Denise

Oh Silly Sheep,

Don't know if you can read this as I know it's so difficult for you to get on the internet.

Anyway, I can relate so much as far as your OH wanting you to be "fixed" when he returns as my ex-hubby wanted me to be "fixed".. I don't know how you are dealing with the stress as I couldn't handle it.

I wish you had a place to go and if I wasn't taking care of someone full time in my house right now I would send you and your little guy plane tickets and ask you to come to my house so I could help you.

Wow, 2-1/2 hours to walk to the post box plus carrying your little guy! I don't think I would even attempt that, guess I'm spoiled including access to the internet.

You have so much on your plate.. Try deep breathing in order to bring down your stress levels and enjoy your little guy!

Before my ex moved out I wouldn't talk to him instead I wrote him notes on paper and he would write me back (which surprised me)... It helped for awhile getting our feelings on paper instead of the raised voices. I wish I had more advice for you. I guess you can't leave Greece and go to a family member to live?

Thinking of you,
Denise

SS~I haven't been on here in awhile (I feel like that Broke Back Mountain movie line: "I just can't quit you," Healingwell!). I haven't been through, but a few threads, but glanced about & saw yours here.

I am so sorry you are going through so much. First we know life is difficult when not feeling well. Add to that colossal stress with a break up...And then the toughest job in the world--being a single mum--& one who it sounds like is having infection flare-ups! PLUS a baby teething & sleep deprivation! It is no wonder you are feeling displaced.

Somehow you need to get help & relief taking care of your wee one. Any other parents of kids to network with? I know when my offspring was young, having other Moms to trade off with, helped provide some help & sanity.

Are you continuing treatment? It sounds like you need to be back on abx or such.

And I do know how difficult this can be on a relationship. Like the ocean my spouse plans on sailing away on, our relationship has had some very tumultuous times (this summer I thought we were done, too. And who knows, he may just sail off one day, leaving me a message in a bottle!).

Are you in touch at all with your mate? Any chance of counseling for the 2 of you?

It makes me cry to think of you saying your baby deserves better. As parents, we all feel this--especially when we are not well! But your love is THE love for him, & he for you.

Perhaps if you are not feeling so great, you wean off breast feeding so as not to worry about passing something along to your sweet pea? And that you may perhaps add some stronger antibacterials & such?

Everything is compounded with stress, emotions & an ill-ing body. I know where you reside you consider your home, but if you can't get local help/support, can you head back to the UK & stay with family or friends?

You do NOT need a slap upside the head! What you need is a BIG HUG!!!

Post Edited (happyjo) : 10/31/2017 9:37:51 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Silly sheep, I've got no advice... having some rough days if my own (although hearing about your situation puts things in some major perspective for me!)

Just wanted to say Im thinking of you.

Hang in there... hug your little guy...

Hope things become easier/ better for you soon!