Posted 7/25/2018 7:37 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I catch myself there all the time. I’m hard on myself about it. I’m the biggest bully when it comes to Antonio. It’s like all of you have said, it’s tough when you know there’s so much more to who you are than where your health has taken you. It’s a lot of what if, if only, and why are you so (negative quality)...?
It’s not healthy, though. That goes without saying. Negativity is a suck. Beating yourself up is gonna get you nowhere. Envy’s not really pleasant either. Use it as a force of change, work hard on your health, and try to grow in what ways you can. What more are those feelings really doing for you?
But, I do get it. I get there too. Like Jay, I don’t let it linger. Thing is, I’ve been here for a long time. I feel like I could get a lot better, if not for certain roadblocks, but I can’t say I remember what it feels like to live up to my former potential. I don’t remember the me that liked to jog, or, in my case, write. There are those who’ve been ill for decades, so I can’t really compare.
Still, this me now. I’m gonna try to get better - maybe there’s a little more shine to my soul left - but I don’t think I’ll ever be who I was before. I’m not sure I’d want to be, not entirely. That was ten years ago. I’ve lost a lot, but I didn’t spend all this time in vain. I learned some things.
We only get one life. Cruel and limiting as Lyme may be, try to live it, best you can. Make your goals now. Try, is the word.
I hate taking it here, because everyone has different thresholds and tolerances, different levels of impairment in a variety of ways, and different life circumstances, aside from just being ill, but we don’t give ourselves enough credit, sometimes. It hurts forcing “normal,” so we just don’t do it. I’m the same way, but my thing is signing up for things I can’t back out of. School, groups, whatever. Well, I’m not trying to pay them back for this class, so I have to go, and screw failing. I went to school for this degree, so I have to use it (forget the whole needing to pay bills thing). I was in a gym, til I took leave during my last semester to make sure I passed, and couldn’t afford it, but... yeah.
Curative vs. palliative care. Are we gonna recover completely, or is it a game of providing the most comfort possible? At best, I’m so busy, all I can do is keep myself from getting worse. I have obstacles in place that need research and experimentation, but I’m so caught up in the day to day, because I have to be. I have to support myself. I have to further my education, even if i can only remember the information long enough to pass a test. As long as it’s on paper, they’ll let you do anything.
But, sidetracked, that’s not to say people don’t get better - well enough to not come around here anymore - because they do. It’s just rarely in any sort of timeframe you’d like.
Me, I can still write in full sentences. I can get out of bed and drag myself throughout the day, wearing smiles, laughs, giving my best shot at small talk, and passing for normal, I think. I just want to live the best life I can with what’s left. Always hungry for more, of course, but I can’t turn up what’s on my plate right now. I’ve fought so hard to be here, like all of you.
But, again, I do understand. It’s a lot of weight to carry. But, I’m not special. My illness complex might be, in a way, but how many people out there live life in hopeless situations while the world passes them by? I still think I’d have better chances being thrown in some sort of civil war in a third world country than being sick, but I don’t know: I’ve seen people sleeping naked on sheets of cardboard next to four lane roads at like noon (the Philippines). It is sad to think about, your existence being tainted, having a mark upon it. I spilled spaghetti on my grandmother’s carpet once. It never went away. She had to get new carpet.
Pain and suffering are stubborn devils, though. Even I don’t want to hear some of what I have to say. Feel bad, regardless of what the voice of reason within says. Act a child from the Bart, even though I know better.
Being healthy is so much more fun, I’m sure. We play host to all the creepy, crawly demons, playing mischievously in the darkest spaces. Feel their life consuming mine.
Of course I’m envious, but no one cares. Not to be rude. You guys care, because you understand. But, we’re kind of on an island.
Stream of consciousness, kind of.
Don’t mind me. I’m one of the lost ones, finding his way.