Relationship Advice?

So, I know someone just asked a question like this, but it’s been on my mind so I decided to go ahead.

I got diagnosed in 2015, and had eight months of consistent treatment. Felt a lot better, and have been on/off treating since then. I only had one year during which I was incapable of functioning normally on a day-to-day basis.

I feel like I present as fairly well 80% of the time; I work, am a college student, and am able to go out most of the time. However, I tire very easily, and have lingering symptoms that flare up every now and again. I get sick easily; if something is “going around”, chances are I’ll catch it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am getting worse, but who knows.

Anyhow, I have a boyfriend of two years. He is well, and quite active. At the beginning, when I had to cancel plans with him because I wasn’t feeling good, he was understanding. He tries to be now, but I can sense his irritation. I feel that he is skeptical about how “sick” I really am at times.

He also seems wary of the herbal treatments that I am taking, and does not seem to understand the herx reactions. He doesn’t seem to grasp why I wouldn’t just stop taking something that was making me feel ill.

Another issue is food. I strive to be gluten, dairy, soy, and processed sugar free. He does not. I feel as though this has created the largest rift between us. He will get very frustrated when we can’t agree on what to eat, or when I don’t want to go out because I don’t think I will be able to find something suitable. I try to explain that I eat the way I do to avoid feeling ill, and subsequently go out and do more. He still tends to act as though I am overreacting about the effect the food will have on me.

Granted, it’s been better. I am able to eat gluten in moderation (though infrequently), and I think that does not help. He (and my family) see me eating things I normally don’t, and will refer back to those instances: “Well, why was it okay when you ate it then?”

I am just frustrated. I wish he could see that everything I am doing, I am doing so that I can be more active in our life. He is a wonderful man, and I know it must be hard to be committed to someone who might feel good in the morning and then terrible thirty minutes later. My illness is really one of the only things we seriously get into about. I don’t feel understood by him or by any of my family.

Post Edited (amanda_tx1) : 11/26/2018 2:54:56 PM (GMT-7)

Welcome to the club. I've been sick 3 years - infected for 5. I'm 10 post-Infusio treatment. It's only been the last year my husband has many any effort. There were times when I felt that if I had the physical energy to walk out, I would have. Fights, not helping, leaving the house a mess, etc. It felt like every fight set my healing back.

We're in counseling now, which is really hard to do once a week. He doesn't quite get the sacrifice I'M making for our relationship. He's a good man. But my counselor says that illness merely takes a toll. Boys especially have a hard time being caretakers or dealing with the emotional aspect. I've realized that my husband is unable to process the gravity of the situation. Some people can't. As a woman, I'm able to snap into caretaker mode and do what needs to be done. Men can't, for whatever stupid reason.

Illness REALLY challenges the "in sickness and in health" part. I don't feel like I should have to work on my relationship AND getting better. It sucks. I don't know the answer. My husband and I are better now, but it's still work. Maybe that's just it. It's work.

Also, my counselor has us reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's actually quite helpful. I expected it to be lame and boring, but it's not. Might be worth a shot if you read it together.

Relationships always require work, the best ones have both partners working on the relationship together. The first time I had lyme I had gone 10ish years misdiagnosed and was basically playing ding dong ditch at death's door. Things came to a head while I was in college, so I know how hard it can be to try to date while dealing with all of this. I hid most of my symptoms from everyone and only a select few knew how bad it really was-one of those was one of my guy friends. He had come over to watch a movie while we waited for everyone else to meet at my apartment for a study group. Of course I end up having one of the worst flares ever and here he is looking like a giant blonde Viking yet being really sweet and calm and taking care of me. Things progress and I eventually get the correct diagnosis/treatment and going into remission. At this point I had graduated college and we had started dating and a few years down the line here we are married for four years. I relapsed back in August and even for someone who has watched me fight this before it can still be difficult to fully grasp what is going on. He remembers how bad things were the first time so I have to reassure him that things are different this time- we caught it early and I'm already having more good days with my new med combo.

So while each relationship has it own struggles (even if both partners are healthy) the key is communication. Like Sandyfeet said- the book about the 5 love languages is a good starting point. It is good to know what your "type" is and also the type of way that you show love to others. The thing is some people don't realize how often you are actually "saying" you care for them. This is why it is good to discuss what works best for each other so they can clearly see how much you care for them and vice versa.