Hi, Merelsbeard,
Welcome to the forum. I'm so glad you reached out.
A lot of people confuse self-harm with suicidal ideation, and while they can go together, they sometimes have very different goals and roots. Hearing more about
what you are going through might help us know how to support you best, but of course only if you feel comfortable sharing. So I'll just offer my thoughts on a few possible interpretations....
A common thread among folks who have been very sick for a long time is that we feel miserable, especially with a disease that's so misunderstood and difficult to treat. Whether we're depressed as a symptom or as a result of the situation isn't always easy to decipher, but it's safe to say most of us have been there!
Some people entertain the idea of dying as a possible way of escaping this misery. And of course we want to escape! It's exhausting and feels so hopeless sometimes. That is not the same as wanting to die. If you are struggling with this, then you have to remind yourself that how you feel is temporary and try to find another type of escape - can you get really into books or movies? Art or music? Do friends lift you out of your reality for a little while? Are there meds that help you feel better temporarily, like cannabis? My current coping skill for not losing my mind on scary bad days is playing sudoku online while listening to Brandi Carlile, and counting colors in the room I'm in when things get really bad. It can feel freeing to know there's an escape possibility, even if I would never go through with it.
If you are talking more about
self-harm in the sense of self-injury (e.g. cutting) then that can be more of a coping skill in and of itself. It's grounding, and reminds you you are alive, and connects you to your body. It's not the healthiest coping skill - especially for us, who really need our bodies to have fewer healing projects going on - but it's better than some. Some ideas for grounding activities to do instead of self-injury:
- Clipping nails or cutting hair
- Plucking hairs with tweezers
- Holding ice cubes against your skin until it hurts
- Drawing on your skin
- Hot or cold showers
- Dry brushing
- Eating hot sauce or very bitter herbs
Sometimes self-injury is a form of communication, letting yourself or others have visual evidence of your pain. If this is the situation for you, then it's probably a good idea to find ways to feel understood, whether that is learning to ask for what you need (a very tough thing for many of us) or finding people you trust to share your feelings with (a friend or family member, or a good therapist, or even a hotline). This illness is ridiculously hard, and we all need a witness now and then. Reaching out for help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness. If I can't find anyone to connect with, sometimes I record videos of myself talking to my phone. Other times I will draw my body, and paint the parts that hurt in various colors. Sometimes I write a list of everything I am feeling and then burn it. And I work very hard to remind myself that my needs are valid, none of this is my fault, and I'm still a valuable person even if I can't be as productive in the ways I used to be. (This is all in stark contrast to my upbringing!)
One option I really enjoy is an app called Curable. It's sort of like cheap therapy, but you do it at your own pace on your own, and it's specifically designed to help with chronic illness. But I do miss being physically healthy enough to see my real-life therapist! Many therapists these days will do appointments by phone or video chat, if that interests you. If stigma is holding you back, then I strongly urge you to reject that outdated way of thinking; people get dental health care every six months, but somehow think it's okay never to tend to their mental health care?! People also get emotional release often from other modalities like acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, and massage.
And there's always this forum.
I'm a little foggy-of-mind today, so sorry for the rambling.
Hang in there. It's crap sometimes, but it's temporary. And you definitely are not alone.