Personal Advice

Hey all, need some personal advice and perspective.

Today is my birthday. I'm in the middle of a horrible flare, and my gf moved out of the apartment last night, which has devastated me.

We've been living together for 1.5y. I had been sickish since we met 3y ago. In April of last year I got gravely ill with autoimmune SFN. Despite this, we've remained happy together. She's been pretty cool about ignoring my illness and not letting it get to her. She's claimed all along that she loves me, and I had no reason to doubt her. We have a great rapport, and we spend pretty much every day together. I've been supportive of her career, I paid for her school, and I treat her w/ nothing but love and respect. The only downside is that I'm often in too much pain to do things like go to dinner or socialize with her friends, but like I said she usually understands.

3m ago she freaked out and said that we'd been living together for 1y3m and I hadnt made a move to get married. I told her that I had every intention of getting married, but as I was in the middle of the biggest crisis of my life, I could not get married immediately. In order to stop her from moving out, I agreed to get married on my birthday. I was hoping it would bide me some time.

Since then I've only gotten sicker. On the eve of my birthday last night, I told her that I needed some more time. She freaked out, packed a bag and went to her parents.

My friend told me, "if you plan on marrying her why not just do it". I said to him, let me paint you a picture. For the past 4 days I've been in the middle of a flare that has left me writhing in pain. Yesterday I had a 5 hr infusion. Today I had a 5 hr infusion and a blown vein. Tomorrow I have a new rheumatologist. Friday I have the neurologist where we will discuss going on Rituximab, and whether or not I'm going to lose all my hair and maybe die from it. Next week is my LLMD and a biological dentist. Would you want to get married in the middle of that? What is the rush? Not to mention, I literally dont know if I'll ever get better, in which case we could get married and 2y from now she decides that she cant handle this, and then I'm screwed. Why not wait 6m, give me some time to see if I can make improvement.

Her reasoning is that I may think that she's being selfish, but since I've gotten sick, everything has been about my needs. She needs security. She needs to know that I wont sit around for another 2y biding my time and suddenly she's 30 and needs to start over. I offered to go and buy a ring today, and we get married later, but she refused. It was get married this week or you lose your chance.

She does not see that I literally CAN'T get married this week, or even this month. I dont have it in me emotionally or physically, and I will resent her if she forces me to do it like this. I dont want to do it under these circumstances, period. I'm also too stressed and busy w/ drs to be running around talking to lawyers and setting up bank accounts.

Who is right? I mean is this a bad sign that she's pushing me this hard, even when she can see how much I'm suffering? That she left me writhing in agony in my apartment on my birthday? Or is she right? Is her position reasonable? I need to know how others view it, and if I'm off base here in thinking that if she loved me like she claims, that she would stand by me and believe me when I say that I want to marry her, which I 100% do.

I am so sorry. This is a difficult situation. But to be honest, you may get better, and probably will get better, but there is that chance you can have another flare. If she is reacting this way now, you have to ask yourself, how will she react if you have another flare, while you are married? And what if you have children, and she needs your help to care for them, what if you come out of remission, what will happen? You need to think of what the future will be like. You are in a very difficult position, I feel so bad. I hope you find peace and that things work out the way they should.

Being so sick is hard on our relationships. It isn't fair or right. But it is what it is.
She sounds lovely and I totally understand where she is coming from. She is hurting and wants you to get it.
But I 100% know where you are coming from.
When I first got sick I was a single mum with kids 9 and 11. It was impossible to meet their very legitimate needs. All I had was a drive to find answers and get on top of my illness for them as much as me. Words and intentions just dont speak the language actions can. For my kids their reality was very sharp and clear they felt emotionally abandoned. It wasn't a message I ever wanted them to feel. But that was their reality.
That is what being in a relationship feels like when someone is very ill. Even my friends and my sister felt like all I was doing was making decisions that kept me from them.... that they were not a priority any more. People are vulnerable in close relationships sometimes you are triggering their insecurities even when you cant help it. That's why we dont really feel like we are being at all home in ourselves when we are sick, thus the word "dis-ease" .....and getting closer to normal feels so urgent.
Sometimes the timing isn't right, circumstances put very real limits on us, and how things play out in every area of our life.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Both of you sound like really good people. There is no right and wrong hear just a need to recognize that we are all human and vulnerable, and that life can be unfair on even the best of us.

It's not easy.

As someone who lost a great love during my illness I feel like I can relate.

I like what WbF said, if you know this is the woman you want to spend your life with, figure it out. Obviously your position makes sense, but it does sound like she has given everything to you over the past couple of years, and being with someone through an illness like this takes massive sacrifice.

If I was in your position I would explain to her your concerns, and then suggest getting married in a court right now if she can't wait, but holding a real ceremony when you feel up to it. Be it 6 months or 2 years.

What I've found is that this illness doesn't really let you stick to timelines. I remember when I first found the Lyme forums and heard that it takes months or years to get into remission I could not believe it. But here I am, years later(feeling better but still sick), while the love of my life is with someone else.

Both of you have rational arguments, and it's an awful situation to be in. But the question is, would you do anything for her?