MedicalNerd said...
I started questioning my own sanity and thinking "Am I having a panic attack, because I'm thinking about having a panic attack?"
Oh, yes. For sure. I've had those same thoughts, many times, over the nearly 20 years that I've been dealing with anxiety. These days, thankfully, I have fewer episodes and they're usually much less severe than in the past. Because of my own firsthand experience, I believe you can either learn to manage them or possibly even resolve them.
By the way, there's nothing wrong with your sanity. In fact, I'd be worried about
any person that
wasn't concerned about
their body going a bit haywire!
Over the past several years, I've been to the emergency room more times than I can recall, due to myriad symptoms that, in hindsight, were almost all anxiety-related. Oh, the money I've spent on co-pays, meeting deductibles, paying for non-covered charges, etc. I think most of us know that song-and-dance all too well.
For quite a while, I couldn't drive more than a few miles from my home, due to either anxiety or feeling like my heart was slowing down so much that I might pass out...which could also trigger anxiety. One time, I had a dentist appointment across town -- almost 30 miles. Well, I didn't even make it halfway. As I was driving, I was completely "in my head" and constantly self-scanning my body:
"Is that pain I feel in my chest? Is it possibly my heart? Do I have any pain in my left arm or jaw? Is my heart still beating? I don't feel it. (checks pulse in neck...again) Okay, I feel it. But, it feels weak. I'm going to turn around and go home. No, it's difficult to get appointments with this dentist and I'll have to go at some point. I left home in a hurry, did I turn off the burner on the stove? Maybe I should go back. You're about halfway there, already. Think about something else. Put on some music. (turns on music) No, that's too much. I need quiet. I feel dizzy. I think it's getting worse."On and on and on. Eventually, I found myself on the side of the interstate, having a full-blown anxiety attack. I'd even considered dialing 9-1-1, because I felt like my heart rate must have been 700 beats-per-minute, I had trouble slowing/calming my breathing, and I worried I might have a heart attack! It was terrifying.
I missed the appointment.
Once I was able to compose myself, I called the dentist's office, explained what happened, apologized profusely, and was extremely embarrassed. But, beyond them ensuring I was okay, they weren't troubled by the missed appointment. Some weeks later, I eventually made it over there. I found that taking smaller, secondary roads was easier on my nervous system. It's easier to pull over on a back road, versus the interstate. The pace was slower, too, which helped.
Anyway, I've had lots of anxiety-related episodes.
In the end, just do the best you can do. Take care of yourself and your needs first. It probably won't always be easy or convenient, but it's doable and I sincerely believe it will get easier and improve over time. Once I'd been checked out in the emergency room a dozen or more times, checked out numerous times by my primary care doctor, and had been examined and tested by a variety of specialists (including several cardiologists), I knew by heart was okay. That alone helped ease my mind, when I had symptoms like pressure or heaviness in my chest, the sensation of a tight band around my chest, slow/faint pulse, breathlessness, etc. I even had trouble just standing...in my kitchen...at home by myself...doing very little. I'd feel out-of-breath and had to go sit down. Talking for several minutes would have similar effects...doing it while standing made me feel faint.
These things can and do get better.
Best of luck.