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36 years old, terrified for my future

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Lyme Disease
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Posted 6/27/2021 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
I feel like the last month or so has been hell. I've been on the Methylene Blue alittle over a month. I'm exhausted, horrible anxiety at night, diarrhea from my anxiety, bad ocd and paranoia and now constant worry for my future. Been treating 2 years now but sick well over 20 years. It seems Bartonella is my major problem.

I'm 36, single and very worried. I'm afraid I'll never get better or by the time I do it'll be too late to start a family. I'm single too but can't even imagine going back out in the dating scene right now. Lyme was part of the reason my last relationship didn't work ( not the sole reason) . The energy I do have I use for my job. When I'm not at work, I'm sleeping. But at the same time I keep hearing a clock tick. It's almost like an unhealthy obsession. I worry so much and can't get excited or look forward to anything anymore.

Are other people ( esp women) like this?

Any positive success or outcomes?
Posted 6/27/2021 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sunflower1920,

I struggle with this too.

One thing that helped me (and I know this sounds very odd), is to keep in mind that many relationships/marriages fail.

And by that I mean that so many people end up single again at any stage in adulthood.

They will be looking for someone just like you will be once you feel better.

In their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc.

Sorry if that sounds weird, but it helped me to put things in perspective.

I used to compare myself to people who get married young, but I forgot how many of them end up single again at some point in time.

It made me feel like I'm not alone in being single.

I know you asked for women specifically, and I'm not a woman, but I just thought it might help.

Post Edited (RainyCloud) : 6/27/2021 4:30:10 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/27/2021 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
RainyCloud you’re not a woman??!, 😱 *almost typed a lot of sexist remarks,... tries hard to think of alternative* but you seem so nurturing.

Sunflower I suppose you could say I’m in the same boat as you except much sicker. I’ve been bedridden for over a decade. I think rainycloud is right though. When I used to speculate on whether I should have seized to opportunity to marry one of the guys I’d met when I was healthy I’ve never had any regrets. They’re nice guys but living with this disease is awful and from what I’ve experienced apparently more than almost anyone wants to support another person through. I’ve always maintained I wouldn’t have wanted a spouse just so I could have yet another person angry at me for things I couldn’t change.

I think motherhood may have always been my foremost dream for this life, and for many reasons, not just lack of a guy and my decrepit state it no longer seems advisable. But I’ve found that sometimes when you are able to let go of one dream, you realize there were other equally exciting dreams and goals you just never bothered to take seriously because you were so obsessed with one dream. I think most of us here, having had to struggle so hard have asked ourselves questions about what our life’s purpose is and why are we trying so dang hard. Everyone has to find their own answer to that question, but there are many ways to live a fulfilled life, parenthood only being one.

Ok I should stop now before going on a never ending pessimistic rant about how Disney gave us all unrealistic expectations for what you actually ought to expect from spouse/partner. 😜

I guess when I think about it, I really do rely on my religion to see me through my many disappointments. I don’t want to break forum rules so just email me if you want me to elaborate.

Post Edited (Bailey) : 6/27/2021 5:48:29 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/28/2021 10:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bailey, thank you. Rainycloud thank you too! Bailey, can we private message on this forum? I've never done it before. Or exchange messages on personal email? Again thank you both for your replies, I appreciate it. smile
Posted 6/28/2021 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
Click my name and it should take you to my profile where my email is listed. Then just email me there.

I reread what I wrote and I didn’t want to belittle how sad and hard it can be to deal with these issues. Email me if you want to talk more 🙂
Posted 6/28/2021 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Sunflower. Thank you for sharing how you have been feeling. I think it's important to talk about how being chronically ill affects us as people, full human beings with plans and hopes and ideas about our futures that change, sometimes a great deal, sometimes permanently. Letting go of the notions we had for our futures can be such a difficult and painful process, with grief and mourning involved, and there's no easy way around it. How we see ourselves has a lot to do with what we do and who we are in relation to others, so being ill sometimes requires identity shifts, which feel utterly unfair, like we're being robbed. Expectations are powerful, and they guide our decisions, so it's easy to feel unmoored and angry when we can't meet our own expectations anymore, or can't meet them reliably, or can't meet them yet. And uncertainty itself is so stressful....

On top of the rollercoasters of unpleasantness that our bodies provide!

Your situation sounds different from mine but in a way that's the other side of the same coin. Reading that you have a job and get to sleep when you come home sounds awesome from my perspective as someone with a partner and child and no job, but of course it's not that simple. I've often wished I were going through this without a partner and child to let down, restrict, inconvenience, scare, depress, etc. The grass is always greener!

For a long time I fixated on the things that had been taken from me, like I'd been walking around thinking everything was an option for me, when really it wasn't, and I felt like I'd been cheated. It's natural to feel all kinds of bad about this stuff. Be gentle with yourself, and know that plenty of good options exist for you still, even if they may look different from what you planned. Nothing about that is easy!

Sending hugs your way....
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