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Feel like giving up on my life

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Posted 11/16/2022 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know how people make it through this life. I just feel like my life has been filled with constant trauma, struggle, and pain.

I've made progress with my illness over the last few years, and am able to work full-time now and support myself. However, new issues have come up this year and I literally feel like I'm just trying to hold on day-by-day.

No idea why I'm posting this here. Just wondering if anyone can relate, I guess..

How do you keep going when everything feels so bleak?
Posted 11/16/2022 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
hello destiny

i am very pleased to hear you have made such progress with your illness and are able to return to full time work - that is a huge milestone and a great achievement. Well done!

i am sorry to hear you are still feeling so bleak

i am sure many people here will be able to relate - as one on the things this illness does is to ramp up feelings of despair, depression etc. and we have all had dark times while we struggle to find our way though.

life with a chronic illness is certainly challenging and it definitely can seem like there is no let up at times.

often how we respond to and process challenges or trauma in our lives can make the difference between feeling like each new thing is yet another thing on top of a mountain of other challenges that threaten to overwhelm us - or just another manageable hurdle in life that we will overcome, as we have done with all the others so far.

if your life is generally / physically much better than it was - and you are now able to work etc - but still feel you are more in the former camp than the later - have you tried getting some help with how you process these events.

it can make a huge difference to a persons suffering - i have seen it turn a persons life around from overwhelmed, angry, depressed and desperate - to taking challenges in their stride and enjoying life.

all the best
Posted 11/17/2022 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
Honestly, I feel like I couldn't get through things if it wasn't for God.

God wants to have a relationship with us and being at peace with God brings me a lot of comfort when things get tough. "God made him(Jesus)who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2nd Corinthians 5:21

I still rely a lot on my family and the rest of my support system a lot. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by school and work especially when dealing with illnesses and injuries. It also troubles me a lot when bad things happen to people I know, that I can't do anything about.

Actually, when I feel like I just don't know where to go for help, Isaiah 50:10 encourages me "let those who walk in the dark trust in the Lord". The light and direction that God provides is greater than any light we could provide for ourselves.
Posted 11/18/2022 8:52 AM (GMT 0)
Just checking in - how are you
destiny?
Posted 11/19/2022 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Destiny, I am certain you are stronger than you believe. I can relate to how difficult it is to deal with what Lyme Disease does to the mind, body and spirit.and in a very compromised if not debilitated condition, we have to make sense of it on top of contending with whatever is occurring in our lives at the time.

You have made great progress by returning to work. Yet, self treating this illness is very difficult to do. If resources permit, I would think finding someone skilled in treating chronic illness might be most helpful to you. I have found the stories my practitioner shares with me regarding similar symptoms of her other Lyme patients to be comforting. It helps me to not feel so alone. Support like this can go a long way.

Blessings to you.
Posted 11/19/2022 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
I’m not a Facebook fan ....but many lyme affected areas I have local lyme groups that are also on Facebook, some do Skype meetings now. From what I can see actual real meetings are coming back though. If you have not, you might wanna look into these. I’ve been to a few were the people couldn’t even drive someone else drove them, Hopefully you have someone to help you with things.

I was so low on funds I had to borrow someone else’s more dependable vehicle to get to a doctor appointment two hours away. I was lucky someone did this for me. A Vehicle Breaking down in the winter in the rural middle of snow blown nowhere was a concern.

Post Edited (astroman) : 11/19/2022 2:01:09 PM (GMT-8)

Posted 11/21/2022 7:28 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for the comments, honestly I wasn't expecting any. And I was quite embarrassed to re-check this thread, because I sound weak and pathetic.

I guess what's concerning me the most right now is that I have two large, painless, lymph nodes on my skull. This has been accompanied by night sweats, and nausea. They've grown a bit larger in a month since I've noticed them.

All these signs point to lymphoma. I've been through so much pain and trauma in my life, and if I'm diagnosed with cancer I'll probably just pull the plug. Ever since I was young, I always had a weird feeling I wouldn't make it to 30, and I'm 29 now.

My life has been a complete mess - lost most of my 20s due to illness, lost my long-term girlfriend who I thought I'd be with forever, lost most of my friends, abandoned by all my family except my father who has never given up on me. I thought I turned my life around recently - many of my lyme symptoms had eased, and I secured a great job that has put me on a career path that is lucrative (financial industry).

I thought I had hope, but now things are crumbling again. I'm almost certain my doctor will tell me I have cancer now. Frankly I'm scared, but I'm also exhausted. I'm tired of suffering. I'm so sorry for everyone here who has suffered too. This life isn't easy..
Posted 11/21/2022 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
hello Destiny

just be aware that enlarged lymph nodes can be caused by many things apart from cancer - as can many other lumps and bumps on the body.

lyme and co-infections are known to cause enlarged lymph nodes - which may or may not be painful
there are also things like lipoma - which are just harmless fatty deposits under the skin - i have these on my scalp myself.

there are several other possible causes also - so its not necessary to assume the worst - and more often than not it is something harmless

assuming the worst - before the cause is known - will undoubtedly drive additional anxiety and stress that you do not need and is ultimately not useful.

it will take valuable energy that you need to put into positive practical things that can help you with your struggle with ill health and life's other challenges.

if it were me i would definitely take the practical step of booking an appointment to have it properly checked out by a primary care doctor - to be on the safe side - but in the meantime i would assume its something non-life altering - as that is the most likely outcome, and will allow you to focus your mind and energy on other things that can help you - rather than just a spiral of worry about what may never happen.

all the best
Posted 11/21/2022 7:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi destiny

I just wanted to say that, to me, your original post did not at all sound weak and pathetic. I think that the way you were feeling and what you wrote is not at all surprising given what you’ve been experiencing and what you’ve been concerned about. I myself have been going through a really rough time and a lot of what you said felt like it could have come out of my own mouth the past few days. To me it’s not weak and pathetic but an expression of truth for what you’re feeling in that moment — a moment of being totally overwhelmed and in despair. And though none of us ever want to feel this way, it’s very much “natural” and a part of our human experience.

But it’s really really tough to keep having these moments of overwhelming despair again and again, and though I’ve been struggling with this myself, I keep trying to remember that just because I’m feeling that way at a given moment (and that those feelings are real and natural), it doesn’t mean that the beliefs around those feelings are true, it doesn’t mean for example that there really is no hope, etc. But, of course when you’re in the thick of it it can be sooooo hard to see things that way, and sometimes all we can do is let these overwhelming feelings run their course until we have a change in perspective… that’s my experience at least, for what it’s worth.

This life can be really hard, but it can also be a lot of other things 🦚
Posted 11/23/2022 5:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi destiny,

first i want to say you’re brave for sharing that with us. thank you.

second, I understand COMPLETELY. how hard it can feel humanly to keep plugging, as it were, when there just seem like nothing but insurmountable mountains in front of you.

I suffered 9 years from late stage chronic lyme. 4 horrible full time years of treatment, like you, all during my teens/twenties.
My brothers both died in an accident.
My sister tried taking her life many times while high on street drugs. half the time we had no idea where she was.
we’ve had death threats as a family.
my parents are very good people, live out in the country, successful, kind, down to earth, supportive and did not “deserve” any of this.
my husband has had grand mal seizures.
it’s been a ride.
it seems we’ve had death after death of close friends.
but we are strong believers that if our lives are given to Jesus, He never does anything to hurt us, only to help us. I have been amazed how He carries me through anything. I could not do life without Him.

I too hit a point I wanted to be escaped from this life when I was at my sickest. but thank the Lord for His sustaining grace. He held me in the darkest nights and sent “angels” to call me at the exact time when I was staring at the potential end.

NOW FOR THE REASSURANCE:

my mom and I and my sister ALL HAVE THOSE “swollen lymph nodes” ON OUR HEADS. we also all have lyme. but they - for us - are just weird fluid filled sacs. they can be lanced and drained by a dr if you want. but are harmless. this is just our experience.

so it might not be something life threatening. be encouraged!

I hope you will continue to reach out. there are MANY warriors who are here to just keep you encouraged and cheer you on!
Posted 11/25/2022 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
To provide a bit of an update..

I feel my body has been deteriorating quite significantly over the last few days. I've been left with a dull headache where the lymph nodes are, horrible nausea (mettalic taste/feeling in my body), weakness, fatigue, sweats. All of these symptoms have come out of nowhere for me, and maybe I'm just paranoid, but I get this weird feeling in my body saying that I might actually be dying.

I have a biopsy of the lymph nodes next week to see if they are malignant. It's just strange how it feels like I've deteriorated after a period of good health all things considered. I'm concerned that it could be cancer, but I'm also concerned that the doctors will find nothing and tell me it's just anxiety - which has happened many times to me.

Could Lyme and co. cause these kind of symptoms, in quite an aggressive fashion? Or is it possibly lymphoma? I had blood tests recently and tested positive for Toxoplasmosis, which apparently is fatal in people with weak immune systems. My CD57 test showed that I have a very suppressed immune system - yet my doctor laughed at the idea that this could be causing any of this.

I'm a bit lost. Does anyone know what I can do? Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I feel like something is trying to take me out, and quickly.
Posted 11/25/2022 4:47 AM (GMT 0)
Are you being exposed to mold? Mold can cause similar symptoms to Lyme/co and suppresses the immune system. It can also cause Lyme patients to get worse, relapse, or have little response to treatment.
Posted 11/25/2022 7:00 AM (GMT 0)
High Emf radiation also brings back some nasty lyme symptoms for me… as well as the mold WBF mentioned
Posted 11/25/2022 7:06 AM (GMT 0)

WalkingbyFaith said...
Are you being exposed to mold? Mold can cause similar symptoms to Lyme/co and suppresses the immune system. It can also cause Lyme patients to get worse, relapse, or have little response to treatment.

Yes I have moved to new place about 3-4 months ago. It is quite mouldy, and I don't like it so I'm planning on leaving soon. It would surprise me that this short period of time could make me deteriorate like this, just from mould?
Posted 11/25/2022 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
That’s your problem right there. Mold exposure can also cause really bad psych symptoms including suicidal thoughts and wanting to die. I hope you can find a clean place to live. Mold exposure can cause lasting, debilitating symptoms. The symptoms don’t necessarily go away after you get out of exposure either.

Here’s a website that has a lot of resources and information about mold.

www.paradigmchange.me

Go to the pull down menu to see different topics.

If you need to find a doctor who is knowledgeable about treating mold illness along with Lyme, you can check out the ISEAI website - (www.iseai.org). They have a list of practitioners. You can also ask for recommendations from folks here. Just be aware that the first step in treating mold/mycotoxins is getting out of the exposure.
Posted 11/25/2022 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
I agree. Mold exposure and especially current exposure can do a real number on anyone and especially if you have a history of Lyme and chronic illness. I am really sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Mold can be a real nightmare.

Another good resource (from what I’ve heard, though I am no expert) for mold and biotoxin illness would be: survivingmold.com (Dr. Shoemaker)

Binders like cholestyramine can help as treatment but like WalkingbyFaith wrote, the most important thing to do is to get out of the current exposure because any treatment for mold will have limited affect if you are still currently being exposed to it.
Posted 11/27/2022 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks - I've noticed that my flatmate has a horrific cough, and sometime throws up in the bathroom. I've decided to get out of this flat as soon as possible, even if it means (at 29) staying with parents for a few months while I look for somewhere else...

I did go to the doctor (not a LLD - we don't have these in New Zealand) regarding all of these new symptoms, and he basically said it's all anxiety and gave me some benzos.. I seem to have calmed down a bit now, but can't shake the feeling that my symptoms match lymphoma - night sweats, weight loss without trying, large lymph nodes that are painless on my scalp, bad nausea and a metallic taste in my mouth.

I'm a bit scared to be honest. I have an ultrasound on the lymph nodes in a few days. Then I shall know if there are malignant or not.
Posted 11/27/2022 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Oh yes, no reason to think it's anything but mold if you know you are being exposed. The effects can be quick and quite severe. Move as soon as possible, and (it's awful but) get rid of any porous possessions.

The good news is that your issues can be reversed gradually once your exposure ends!

So sorry you are dealing with all this.
Posted 11/27/2022 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
Tell your flatmate to get out, too. Must be some really horrible mold if he throws up in the bathroom. Probably toxic mold behind the shower or toilet. People can die from mold.

The nausea and metallic taste were tip-offs that made me ask about mold.
Posted 11/27/2022 8:53 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, do you think this would coincide with hard, painless lymph nodes, nausea, weakness, night sweats, all within 1-2 months?
Posted 11/27/2022 3:03 PM (GMT 0)

destiny said...
Thank you, do you think this would coincide with hard, painless lymph nodes, nausea, weakness, night sweats, all within 1-2 months?

The most likely explanation, IMO, is the mold exposure suppressed your immune system and allowed infections to flare up with symptoms. Mycotoxins are also poisonous and can affect different body organs and systems in different ways.

If it were me, I would get checked for lymphoma to rule out cancer and find a safe place to live.

Please be aware that possessions in a moldy environment can be highly contaminated with mycotoxins. Take a look at this article about what to do with your stuff. To this day, I still have instant reactions to stuff that was in the moldy houses I lived in. Paper is the worst. Metal and glass are usually able to be cleaned well enough. Fabric items like upholstered furniture and mattresses can’t be adequately cleaned. If you have a mattress that has been in a plastic zippered encasement the entire time, it may be possible to vacuum it and put it in a new encasement. I still reacted to much of my clothing even after multiple washings with Borax.

Here’s the article.
https://paradigmchange.me/wp/stuff/
Posted Yesterday 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
I think for some people those symptoms could arise within days or even hours, so within 1-2 months sounds completely possible.
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