Advice please

My daughter in law was diagnosed with MS this year and married shortly after the diagnosis.  She recently had a catheter inserted because she can't empty her bladder.  Her employer told her to stay home until it was removed and she felt better.  I am not sure if her attitude might have had something to do with her employers reaction.

My son is really trying hard to be supportive and so am I.  I am just not sure what I should and shouldn't do.  I don't want to start out wrong with a new daughter in law.  It can be hard with no health issues.  Right now she just seems content to lay on the couch and watch TV.  She is having trouble keeping food down and is getting weaker by the day.  She says she thinks a lot of it is probably mental.

Any suggestions.  I feel really sorry for both of them, but the MS isn't going anywhere and I think they have to learn somehow to deal with it.  We thought after the wedding she would start to do better, but so far she seems to be getting worse.

I don't have MS so I don't want to judge anyone.  I just want to help in any way I can and I thought maybe you might be able to point me in the right direction.

Thanks

Thanks for your suggestions.  She won't talk to anyone.  Since she was just recently diagnosed I think it will take some time before she will even think about a support group.  I suggested it but she says she doesn't want to be around "those people".

I know that the MS isn't going away.  Sometimes "tough love" works.  I think right now everyone is walking on egg shells (me included) and I really don't think it's doing her any good.  

 

OMG!!!  Tough Love?????  How insensitive!!

Please, Please, may I suggest that you get as much information about MS that you possibly can before you start judging your daughter in law? 

I can only imagine what could be going on in her mind right now.  What she needs is support from her family.  I understand that she is not ready to seek support but why not consider some for yourself so that you can understand the depths of this illness.

Maybe you could read more posts on this forum from those that suffer from this disease and there is also a resource information post at the top of the forum that you can click on for  more information.

Keep us posted on your daughter in laws progress and if we can be of any further help for you. 

 I think I came to the wrong place for help.  You don't know me and I feel like I am being attacked.  You are assuming an awful lot from my posts.  I can see why my daughter in law doesn't want to talk to people.

She has had the diagnosis for 5 months.  I know that isn't long and it just plan sucks that this happened to her. 

Her mother told her to quit her job, cleans her house, is writing thank you notes to people for things they have done he help her out, etc., telling her to just sit there until she feels better.  She can write, she can walk, she can talk on the phone.  She isn't helpless I have tried to get as much information as possible.  I have talked to people that know people with MS and they all tell me that she needs to keep as active as possible and try to live as normal a life as possible.

I just can't tell her to sit at home and feel sorry for herself.  I don't think that is a good message for anyone.  She needs to feel like she has a purpose and that she is a useful person.  I think she needs encouragement to do things not do everything for her. 

Thanks for taking the time to give me your opinion.  I really do appreciate your comments.  I think you think I am cold and heartless.  You are so wrong.  I just don't think sympathy is what she needs.  I think she needs encouragement to take one step at a time, but the steps must be forward and not backwards.  She needs to know that we are there for her, but she also has to keep living and not let MS kill her life.

Thanks again, but I think I should look elsewhere for help.

If you would like any advice, I would be more than happy to talk to you.  I became sick 6 months after I was married, at the age of 22. It is a huge life changing experience and I understand it from your daughter-in-laws perspective and can maybe help explain what she is feeling and what would be useful. I would tell you however, that eventually I was re-diagnosed with a brainstem encephalitis and not MS. But at first they did believe it was MS, and I spent 4 months in rehab not knowing if I was ever going to get back to the way I was prior to my first big hit.  You daughter-in-law is most likely very depressed and scared.  I know I was terrified at first, not knowing if I was going to be one of the people with MS that lived a semi-normal life (which I was OK with) or if I was going to be the one that was in the wheelchair 10 years down the road unable to do the things in my life that I wanted to do.  It's a scary thought. She probably does need to talk to someone.  It's hard to share those fears with family because they don't want to think of those scary thoughts just as much as you don't.  I actually do agree with you though, she does need to get active and not feel sorry for herself but get back on her feet and live with the hand she has been dealt.  For some people, this is easier said than done.  I can't speak for her that this could take her 5 months or 5 years.  What you could offer is to go with her, or drive her to talk to some one.   This would be a good first step because she does at some point need to get back on her feet, especially while she is still fairly healthy.  It's an unpredictable disease, so take each healthy day as a blessing!! That was my motto when I was first sick.  My first 6 months were full of semi-good days and terrible days, so the good days I had to do something special.  She needs to feel that she still has a lot to offer the world, not that she is just "sick". If you don't feel comfortable talking to her yet, start a conversation with your son and offer some help, let him know that you are willing to help her get back on her feet emotionally and see what his thoughts are.  Just let her know that you are on-board with helping.  My in-laws drove from TN to IN every weekend I was in the rehab hospital to give my parents a break and just be there with me. (My husband is military and was gone at the time.) It meant a lot and brought us all closer for them to be there in my time of need.  Just let her know you are there and want her to get better and she needs to work on her emotional health right now.  Sorry so long, but I wish you all the best! God bless!

Needhope,

I hope everything goes well tonight. If you say something, I hope it's the right thing and she takes it the right way. If it doesn't go well, brush it off and just tell her you are just trying to offer whatever she needs and to let you know when you can help and just leave it at that. Then maybe wait and it can be approached later. If she isn't receptive yet then I wouldn't push it. Maybe just talk to your son privately and see what he is thinking and feeling about the situation. He will know best since he lives with her and I'm sure she opens up to him the most. I have a friend with MS and she is in her 50's and still works full-time and is active but her cousin also has it and she is very inactive, not so much due to the physical part of the disease but I think she may have depression and emotional issues. I know it will take time but if when she becomes active again and deals with it emotionally and begins to feel better, it will help her cope with this disease and her family cope as well. Good luck!!

I think that she has gotten the same response from just about everyone now and understands, maybe it was a mis-communication. We should all assume that since she is hear asking for advice she is well intentioned and just trying to determine the correct approach to this new situation with a new daughter-in-law. I think this is a place for help and it is great that she has taken the initiative to try to seek out resources to find people to help her learn about this disease from and try to help her daughter-in-law in the appropriate manner prior to approaching her. Kuddos for seeking advice from others who know better than youself!

I'm sure we all have those days when people say "Oh you are looking good" or something and we feel like crap!! I did when I was dealing with my illness and still with my recovery. MS (and any neuro disease really) is a crazy disease physically and hard to wrap your head around if you have it or just know some one who has it! Wishful thinking that something is on the horizon for everyone out there that can help a lot of people in the near future :)

Thanks for all your help.  My husband was having tests and an MS support leader happened to be in the waiting room.  It was like it was meant to be.  She was very understanding and helpful.  My daughter-in-law wants no part of a support group, but I am going to start to go to meetings next year.  They are having special activities the rest of this year and I think it would be better wait until then.  I have her phone number.  I thank God I that I have met her.

My daughter in law is doing better and going for physical therapy but has a long way to go. 

The support leader told me that my thinking was on the right track and just to be there to help and encourage her to get back to living.

Just thought I would give you an update.

Hi there and good morning.  I certainly am glad that this thread turned around to the postiive instead of the way it was going when Need Hope was looking for some help.  So the phrase "tough Love" was used, no reason to jump all over this person, and no wonder the person was thinking that this was not a very nice place to be...to call this person insensative was un- called for...

Thankfully tkeys stepped in and offered advise and assistance - which was the positive turning point in this thread....

Yes we all have our share of hardship with MS, but so do the people who love us and stand behind us when we need them.....its tough sledding for the ones who support us...

Sometimes we need to be gentle and nurturing, and others, well, need a good kick in the ..... to get them kick started......everyone is like MS itself, everyone is different, and everyone needs a different approach to get them on the road of recovery.  

so the next time someone happens to mention "tough love:, and before you jump all over this person, first of all understand first what the person means by tough love, and then remember that everyone is different.

Had my wife not kicked me in the .....  a couple of times along the road to my our sucess (that being me and my wife"s)  I too may be still laying on the couch watching TV....... our support people need a life too!

Have a nice day

Gary

 

    Dear NeedHope,  (Please Read This!!!)

             Wow! I read all the posts here & then I re-read them. I want to first start by saying: I feel bad that you felt you were being attacked,  but I also understand why you felt that way & here's why: I was absolutely DEVASTATED when I heard you say "TOUGH LOVE".  I WAS IN SHOCK! I will "NEVER" get over the day I was diagnosed with MS 12 loooooong years ago. It's indescribable to others. Rather than going on & on about all the details, I also want to HIGHLY COMMEND YOU. You displayed unbelievable courage, concern & support to return to a place of the unknown to you. Your daughter in-law is in "shock" & undeniably depressed as I was,  & she will have ups & downs with that probably for many years as I still struggle with at times to this day. Try not to push the issue as she tries to cope with this. "Just be there". That's all! I have no family, but I have a wonderful boyfriend & his mom is my rock. She once said to me: We're in this with you!...Got my thoughts off of me & MY situation that day. Don't assume your daughter-in-law is feeling sorry for herself just yet. She doesn't know what she is feeling. I was in that position as well. I am in a good place right now where I accept what it is & I have no choice but to take it one day at a time. But it took me a looooooooong time to get here. Don't EVER give up on her. She needs you so bad. She needs all of you. I am greatful to god for my boyfriend & his mom. I tell her all the time how much I love her. Don't expect her to just start talking cause it's not gonna just come out. She doesn't know what to say or feel right now. I'll never forget the day my boyfriends mom said to me: I'm learning as much as I can about MS so I understand. That's when I realized just how much she loved me. It was incredible. I also remember the day she said: I don't know what to say?,.....I said: I don't need anyone to SAY anything. I just need to know they are there for me. You seem to be doing everything she was doing for me. You are a wonderful person. She will realize that in time. I didn't want to talk to anybody either. I just wanted to jump in a hole & pull the dirt over & call it a day. I feel for all of you. Please come back to the site. For her sake I am thankful that you did. I hate that I have MS & there's no way to make it go away. p.s. I was diagnosed at 26 yrs. old. I just turned 38. I'm shocked to this day! I truly opologize if any of our words have made you feel bad. As much as we are ALL here to learn, I think I speak for most MSers when I say we are frustrated by what we have to deal with everyday. Thank You for listening & please keep doing what you are doing. I know this is not easy on you either. 

 

  Gretchen,

         No problem, I will do that. I see what you are talking about as I re-read my post just now. I love this site you guys have here. It is very helpful/informative. See ya soon on the forum.  =)