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I am going home next week to home wife and unfortunately MIL

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Posted 7/9/2009 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
Even in the orthopedic ward she still says she can still smell me and that I am really downright disgusting.  She came alone today around lunch and made me an offer that really upset me.  She had asked me before to leave my wife becauuse of all my health issues = but today she said that she would give me to10,000 to leave my wife, and that she would talk her daughter into me keeping the house and our possession, but wants me to keep our pets - she hates animals.  I know I have been a burden to my wife, and she knows that her mother blames me for our financial woes (medical bills).

But when I had the ostomy she really went off the deep end, I know she probably hates me and it hurts me to think that I may be putting my wife through trauma...but she has never said anything like that to me.   I dont want to hurt my wife and that is what MIL says I am doing, and that I should know that if I truly loved her.

MIL said that the deal would work only If I kept quiet about it and not tell my wife about the money - she said not to tell my wife either way as I would be hurting her and putting her through more trauma.

I think, I am going to call my Minister friend, who knows and loves us both, and tell my wife in front of him - otherwise I might just chicken out and keep my mouth shut, as I dont want to hurt her, nor do I want to hurt my MIL.  I see no other soltion other than bringing in, and hurting, my best friend.  Any way I go, I am hurting somebody.  All I want to do is get better and go home to my wife home and family of pets, books and friends.

I must have been very mean to her once for her to want to get rid of me in her daughters life.  She has already lied about asking me to leave after the ostomy surgery - although she heard her mother ranting about smells.  She adores her mother, and I dont want to come between them.

Honestly, I was feeling this afternoon that had I died in the surgery it would have been better for MIL, but I think not so for my wife and I.  I hope the my minster friend will intervene on my behalf.  Does anybody have abetter sokution?  I am sorry for asking this here.

bob

Posted 7/9/2009 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
Don't be Bob. Let's see if we can help you.

Forget saying how despicable I think and many of us here think your MIL is behaving. She's impossible to please and get along with. You are not in the best of health. A spouse takes vows in sickness and in health. If your wife loves you, no matter what, that is what is important. Remain with your wife, if you must, give your MIL the impression you are listening to what she spews, but don't take ANY of it to heart. As soon as she spouts off, leaves the room, forget everything she said to you. Forget it! She is not your focus. She is merely related to your wife.

At this point I would not consider myself related to her. She is not behaving like a family member should behave. She is behaving very, very selfishly.

Hopefully others will have better advice for you.

I do think talking to someone might help you - a support group, a therapist, etc.
Posted 7/9/2009 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your story brought tears to my eyes that someone could be so ruthless. Your MIL sounds like she is a horrible lady that hates herself. Im glad you have a Minister friend to talk with. I believe you should tell your wife. The two of you are the only ones that matter here. You need to know how your wife feels and she needs to know how u feel. Nothing else matters. You dont need someone tearing you down as you are trying to heal. God Bless You and I will be praying that your situation gets better.
Posted 7/9/2009 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
I thought of one more thing - see if you can record these conversations your MIL is having with you. For later use, if you need them. It will no doubt be a shock for your wife to hear how awful her mother talks to you, but she needs to hear these very hurtful words.

But above all, do not take any of this to heart. You are not a burden, you are not the problem.

Your MIL is the one with the problem.
Posted 7/9/2009 9:29 PM (GMT 0)

Oh I would never try to hurt my wife by recording her mother - that would be so unethical and mean.  I don't think I could do that even though you are probably the sensible one - I think it would kill hermy MIL= If she knew or found out I had recorded her/

I guess I am just a wuss.

 

Posted 7/10/2009 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
I would go with your solution of your minister friend with you when you tell your wife. She can then decide how she wants to handler HER MOTHER!!! It is not fair that you have to live with such a despicable secret....share it with your wife and go from there.

Personally, after living with Crohn's for as long as I have, I have NO tolerance for evil, mean spirited, selfish or negative people in my life...and that means that I only see my mother and sister once a year!! It is ALWAYS on my terms and I only allow for longer visits if they are behaving. I know I sound like a horrible person, but I do love them, I just cannot let the negativity spoil any quality of life I have...it took me 20 years to get it!!!

You have just endured some serious surgeries to get your life back so you can share it with your wife/pets/books and friends....just remember that:) Hang in there.
Posted 7/10/2009 1:23 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Bob, first of all I am glad to hear surgery went as well as expected and that you are on the mend!

You must bring your minister friend in again on this situation. He did offer after all. I think it is a good idea to tell your wife.

As I said in a past post, I know from everything you wrote over the past several years that I have been on HW that you and your wife have a relationship that most people only dream about. It's a shame your MIL is trying so hard to come between you because your wife is the one who can give you the most emotional support right now.

Don't doubt the strength of the love you and your wife have. Don't let your MIL poison it.

Posted 7/10/2009 1:27 AM (GMT 0)

Oh Bob, you are not a burden to your wife; your wife loves you.  The problem is your mother-in-law's.  She is projecting HER feelings onto your wife in hopes that you will believe her and leave her daughter.  Your MIL feels that you aren't good enough for her daughter and wants you out of the family.  Your MIL is SICK, really really sick.  I am not married so don't have words to advise but maybe you can get your MIL and your minister in the same room and let her know, in front of your minister, that you are going to share all these terrible things she has said, to your wife, if she does not stop disrespecting you.  She must stop saying or inferring that you smell, she must stop saying you are a burden on your wife, and she must start treating you as she has NEVER treated you before.  I think having this talk with the minister present, as a witness in the name of God and in body, will shock her straight.  I am so sad for your situation.

Sue

Posted 7/10/2009 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Bob, I've also seen in your posts the wonderful relationship between you and your wife. And who knows, next year it may be your turn to take care of her. That's what marriage is all about.

Your MIL is evil. Ask the hospital staff to restrict your visitors - her. If necessary, your doctor can order it. You shouldn't have to listen to her toxic ranting. Then do get your friend and your wife in, and explain to her why you have a visitor restriction - what her mother has been saying. Yes, it will hurt her, but it would certainly hurt her more if you left her with no reason.

You're an amazing man. Don't let one old harridan make you feel like less than who you are.
Posted 7/10/2009 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
Bob - perhaps I was too hasty in suggesting you record future conversations with your MIL, when your wife isn't present. That does sound sneaky and underhanded, but your MIL's treatment of you and her behavior is evil. Extremely unkind. There will come a day when she will need caregivers. I hope that day is a long, long way off because I suspect she won't make it easy on the caregivers (unlike you, I'm sure you are a very patient man, well you've demonstrated that enough for all of us to read between the lines here).

You are a saint!

And well, your MIL is not a saint!

Someone said she needs to stop talking to you like this. While I agree with them, I also suspect your MIL is never going to change. She will only get worse.

I will never forget a lecture from my College Sociology Professor. She said as people age and grow into their geriatric years they only become more of what they were when younger (I know I am explaining this poorly). For example, someone kind and patient, will become even more so as they grow older. Someone who's picky and demanding, will become an even bigger headache to deal with as they grow up. I have noticed this trend. I really hate to say this but I run into many older gentlemen in my community who have retired, in the mall or grocery store. They are always courteous, kind and very, very patient with the clerks and cashiers. The elderly women? Yikes! Clear out of their way....oh sure some are rather nice but many have a huge ax to grind.

I hope to be a kind and patient elderly woman someday.....LOL (I'm closing in on 55, it's not too far off).

I'm guessing your MIL was always a difficult person to please.

Mary
Posted 7/10/2009 3:56 AM (GMT 0)
Since we're dealing with acronyms.....you're MIL is a POS, IMHO!!!! She's also a PITA that you and your wonderful wife don't need at this moment! I would suggest you and your wife tell your MIL to GTFOH right now! You, and you alone, are the most important person right now! And, BTW, tell your MIL I said to GF herself!!!!!!

BTW, I currently live in Atlanta, but I'm a New Yorker through and through, and I've no patience for a POS like your MIL!!!!!!! But hey....that's just me!

Post Edited (vette guy) : 7/9/2009 10:57:16 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/10/2009 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
Bob you dont need this stress right now, you need to be honest with your wife and let her know what is going on. any change in your marriage should be between you and your wife not your mil. For better or worse, richer are poorer, in sickness and in health. In all your talks about your wife she is a good person and loves you deeply, dont let the mil ruin what the two of you have. Glad that you are feeling better.
Posted 7/11/2009 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
Bob, trying to send you all the prayers and strength I can. Really this is a challenge you don't need right now. I hope your recovering continues well and that the positive energy around you helps.

I'm with the "use the Minister approach" Keep your loving relationship with your wife strong and honest with open communication. Hopefully you have years together after she is gone.

PS Any one like your MIL should be quarantined from the rest of the world.
Posted 7/12/2009 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
... and who will be minding hell when your MIL is up visiting you? Sorry.
Posted 7/12/2009 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
Again. Sorry. I think you just have to come clean and actually express (you know, like TALK) to both of them. This has been weighing on you for too long not to verbally say what's on your mind. I am just a come out and say it kind-o-gal. May sting for a bit but just do it.
Posted 7/12/2009 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thinking about you Bob and wondering how things are going. Not at all trying to pry but you have been on my mind.

So hang in there.......I agree with being honest. You can tell your wife what is going on without all the terrible details. Your wife sounds so nice (after all she married you so she must be doing something right!). I suspect she already knows what a trial her mother can be and often is. Once you tell her the whole story I think you'll feel better and it will probably confirm what she already knows - her mother has to leave you both alone. The sooner the better.

Toxic relatives like this do nothing but drag us down. You need to surround yourself with positive people, who only have your best interests at heart.
Posted 7/12/2009 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
Your MIL has nothing to do with your marriage dude. Talk to your wife about the situation. Heck I would ask her [your wife] straight out if she wanted you gone and see what the reaction is. You'll know then for sure, right? I think your MIL has a screw loose--I wonder who she is expecting to take care of her when she gets sick in her senior yrs..

Matt
Posted 7/12/2009 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Do you actually live with that mofo MIL?

Matt
Posted 7/12/2009 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
Bob,
I really don't have any recommendations to add to what everyone else has posted, but I do wish you well in whatever decision you make. It's all in your hands now and I wish you the best in getting your relationships back on track with your life. Be honest to yourself and your wife.

All the best to you in your recovery and hope that you are feeling well.

Please keep us updated and let us all know how you are doing.
Posted 7/12/2009 5:18 AM (GMT 0)
YOur mother in law is mentally ill.

Please do some research on narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. You are not the only one suffering because of her your wife is also. In fact your wife might be in denial since she is so accustomed to her mother's behavior.

Donnaeil
Posted 7/12/2009 1:43 PM (GMT 0)
It's a real shame there isn't a very large family in place here. There needs to be an intervention of some sorts, this MIL is mentally ill I suspect as well. Bob, you can't possibly think of helping your MIL at this time, you have your own health to consider. Your poor wife is definitely in denial and caught smack dab in the middle.

Does your wife have siblings? If so, enlist their help - ASAP.

I keep imagining what your day to day struggles are like, first physically and emotionally for you, for all you've been thru health related. Then having to hear the barrage of negative comments from your MIL, on a daily basis.

It's a shame you can't take out a restraining order against your MIL. She is indeed an obstacle in your ultimate path to healing.

As donnaeil pointed out, your wife is so accustomed to this odd behavior, she probably dismisses it as harmful to anyone else. This was the way your wife was raised.

What a tough position to be in but for your sake, you need to be proactive and take control. Somehow.
Posted 7/12/2009 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
I agree that you should tell your wife, and having your minister friend with you, who has experience in facilitating difficult conversations is an EXTREMELY good idea. You owe it to your wife to let her in on what's going on with that SICK SICK SICK Mother of hers. When you marry you cleave unto your mate -- your mate, not your parents, are the prime focus of your life once you're married. She should have the opportunity to show you that and deal with her mother's despicable behavior. She doesn't necessarily have to cut her mother off completely (although that probably wouldn't be a bad idea since she is such a toxic person) but she definitely needs to make it known, in no uncertain terms, that her mother's behavior has got to stop or there will be no relationship whatsoever with her mother otherwise. Her mother needs to be made to understand that daughter's loyalties lie with husband and mother must be civil and HUMAN toward him (you).

Meesh
Posted 7/13/2009 4:18 AM (GMT 0)
Does your MIL make these hurtful comments in front of your wife or out of her earshot? When MIL makes these comments do you let them slide or comment or look at her and say "Why would you make such a hurtful comment?" She definitely has some sort of mental illness. I cut my own mother out of our lives for what she said and did to my husband. My own mother presents herself as a normal person to the world and those she works with probably think it's ME who is the problem. Meanwhile, only the family sees her for what she is -- except my brother. He ignores the problems and plays ostrich. I don't know if your wife is doing the same thing or not but I do feel for you. It's a terrible situation to be in.

If your minister friend has offered to help out I would take him up on it. What your MIL said and offered to you is unacceptable behaviour and your wife needs to be aware of it.
Posted 7/14/2009 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
It has not gone real well around here, and now my wife and her mother and fighting like cats and dogs.  Her father won't get involved and just sits in his chair reading the paper.  They never speak.

We haad the meeting with my minister firnd - I offered my MIL an invitation to this family conference, but she said she was being set up---this actually tipped off my wife that something was wrong.

My wife , an only child and papmered her whole life - i say that lovongly, did not take this well.  She feels now she is between her mother who she adores and me.  I have agreed to move out temporarily if that what she wants.  Of course she said no.

There is really no resolution here, as now my MIL has become very open in her bitterness toward me, and my wife has a problem contradicting her mother.  My minister basically said the ball is in my wife's court - and he said that her mother was being very un-Christian.  To which my MIL said he wasn't onjective as he has been my friend for years.

So now we have a very disfunctional family life, that I still feel the casuse of, regardless of the forgeiveness the minister has bestowed on me.  My wife cannot stop crying and she has become paralyzed in thid dituation - I have volunterred to take care of myself, as best I can without her around and send he back to California.

My MIL bought two plane tickets one for her and one for my wife to leave me. 

The worst part is she really did something very mean.  She said she would help take care of our pets, and she let our very prized and loved singing canary die from thirst and hunger - because he was my speacial pet - but my wife gave me the canary (actually we both celebratedf birthdays with him), so she knows now how mean she can be, but this revelation at age 50 is too much for her to bear with all the other stuff going on.

I try not to listen to my MIL, but I cant help hear my wife's pain in this situation.  There is now nothing any of us can say, as our cards are on the table, other than I will do anything my wife wants me to do to try to make her happy.  I think that is almost an impossible task right now as she is grieving the loss of her view of her mother as a kind loving woman.

Right now, Peter, my frind, said to step back and let the two of them work it out - but it is my instinct to step in and help.  Being mobility disabled now makes me feel more disabled in all things I do.

Sorry for the not fun news.

bob  

Posted 7/14/2009 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
Bob - good advice from your friend. This is now between your wife and her mother. The ball truly is in your wife's hands. I am hoping for your sake your wife chooses her spouse over her mother. And before you start to feel guilty for your wife being in this position, of having to make such a tough choice, don't be. YOU have nothing to feel guilty of. Your MIL however does. She never let go of her daughter. The minute she became engaged to you, your MIL should have backed off. The sheer second your wife said "I do", she should have backed way, way off. Giving her daughter the space and freedom to begin a new life. I'm guessing she's never allowed her daughter to stray far. Let me also guess - they've talked on the phone each single day of your wife's life, correct? My own mother wanted that when I got married. First she wanted a key to our home and to come and go whenever she wanted, with the thinly disguised offer to water plants while we were on vacation. Yeah right. Later after I had children she expected to speak to me every morning at 9:30, for an hour, to catch up and hear all about what was going on at that time. She wanted to know every single aspect of my life - down to very private details. I said no. No I will not talk to you everyday. No I will not divulge intimate details.

To this day my mother and I are not close. I know she's complained to friends about me. So what. I don't care. I had to cut my mom out of my life to begin a new one. And to have some sort of sanity in my home!

I am hoping your wife finally sees that this is not the way to live your adult life without a daily or ongoing parental influence. It's just not normal or healthy for parents to exact this amount of control in their adult aged daughter's marriage. Or even single life.

Thanks for the update Bob.

If she chooses you over her mother (which I think has to happen), please do not feel guilty. Feel relief. Look forward, never back. Your MIL is the one with the major problem here.

Interesting there's a father in the mix here. I just assumed he was deceased. No wonder he never speaks. He probably tried decades ago and gave up.
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