Well my dear loves,
Its 330 am I am I definately having surgery week insomnia. I have had a very hard emotional week and had some horrible things haooen, but after talking to Marisa and Tracy and my husband and family I am trying to just forget everything or I am going to go into this surgery with the wrong mind frame. I have told you all so many times that I do not post at times as I would never want to burden you or drain you with my continuing battle to get better and live the life I deserve. You all understand me and its so much easier to talk to you, but if ever its too much just let me know and know I try and reciprocate to all of you as I care for you like family, like sisters, and friends forever. Just a small recap as I am trying to put it out of my mind, but it all started yesterday morning when I was trying to pick up some packages next door and as I was carrying them my tube syopper came out and stool was running down my pants, legs, shoes, short....infront of the office people and then some workers who were cleaning our parlingg lot from all the winter debris. It was humiliating and I just quick went upstairs, drooped off my puppy, got my leys, and got in my car smelling of stool and went to my parents to clean up and get back my breath and stop crying. I then had a decent day/evening and had my toes done dor surgery (always makes me feel better) and spent the evening with my friend and her mom who got me a gift for surgery and we watched a chick flick. I was feeling great and I got home and I was checking fb and I got the worst email I could have ever received from someone I will remain anonymous. I cant recap it all as I do not want to cry and panic again, but in a nutshell it siad that she cannot believe I am not just getting a bag (even though I will be marked for an ileo if there are any complications and you all know I have been ok with this if it comes to that)....it went on to say that I am mutilating my body my trying to keep my appearance and that with all the complications I have had, and all the medical issues I have sufferef I shoudl have learned by now. That I leave the hospital too soon (pretty sure I never leave unless I am told I can...do i want to at times, doesnt everyone) and the worst and last lne said if you leep putting your body throughw hat you are yo uwill be dead within a year. I have had every tes, seen seven specialist, had so many tests I cant even count or recall them, dome month of pysical therapy, listened and tried every type of procedure the doctors have toldme to do, brought myself in everytime I though something was wrong, listened to my gut and saved myself along with your help a few times and I have been ok. I am going through another surgery, yes, but I would never put appearance (God you shoudl see my belly...its not a pretty site by all means, but abttle wound to save my life), I am doing what the dotors are suggesting and I am traveling 5 hrs to get the best care I can get for now. The last line....telling me I would be dead withing a year really hurt me so bad that I cried all night and literally had to pull myself off the couch to get myself up, realize the ones who love me and know me know this is not true and clean my house, do laundry and pack for surgery. Anyways.....I just had to tell you as if you ever feel I am draining you or complaining too much or anything....let me know. I love you all so much and as I have said so many times I could not get throught hid without you all....I guess these trials really bring out who really loves you no matter the cutcumstance, no matter the situation and for all of you I feel so blessed. I am scared now more than ever, but working on this ads I have to go in thinking this is it...the last and if I wake up woth a bag i will deal with whatver comes my way as I always have.
Enough about me....Lori- I was having the same symptoms as you and eventhough our tubes are different thats why I was airlifted to cleveland, like rosemary said for fear of perforation. It had been over 30 hrs and you cannot just let this go. You are on my prayer list, my family is praying for you and you are on my mind every day and night as I feel your fear, but you my dear are so strong, beautiful, wonderful, and you are going to be great. Its going to be a battle, but a battle you are going to win. Some day soon all of this will be behind us and we will meet up, laugh, eat, drink (if you do) and embrace in the eonderful friendships we have attained throught his miracle of a website. You are going to do wonderfully, buy ig you are still not having output I would call immediately as I was obstructed and perforation of the small bowel, which is so fragile for you, is omething you cant put off. I love you and keep us posted.
Hodaya- I am so happy you are trying the Miralax, but like Peltz said there is something defonatelt wrong with yout outlet funvtion o the rectum. I had rectal inertia and it was not fiagnosed by every doctor....and you have tried biofeedback and everything you can sweetie. I will pray for you that like Janie and others it has been a miracle, but do not wait.....do not wait to long to get the help you need whether it be an ileo or not. Rosemary is a perfect example of hoe life can be fulfilling as ever with a properly constructed stoma and she has helped me with my fears so much. I love you honey and pray for you as you know everyday, call me anytime....i love hearing that sweet voice.
For those of you that have called this week I am SO SO sorry I have not been answering very well as like I said I have had a lot going on and I never want to burden any of you.......and i am horrible with leaving it in my car or somewhere i do not hear it ring when i am at my parents and again I have been trying to sleep like you all suggested.
Sarah (Peltz) I think you need to vent more often. You are such a help to so many just like Rosemary and other on here, but you too have day and you ppor thing have so much going on. I was talking to my mom about you just yesterday as when I have a bad day I think of so many of you and yesterday it was you. Your poor body is going though hell and you are definately on my heart and in my prayers as infection is and has been ruling your life for some months now and your tiny body cshhot handle much more....they need to do something. I know you have a Hickman, but have you ever thought of a port? I know thry are not as easy for what you have going on, but im my almost 7 yrs in oncology nursing there was much less infection with the portacath. I pray for you as I fear sepsis is going to take over your fragile body honey and I cant even think of that happening to you as it can be very very serious.
Tracy- Let meknow how your blood work turns out...sorry my mind is gone, but when is your surgery consult???? I think you are an amazing soul and your text messages got me through today with Marisa as well and I thank you so much. I just want you better.....I cannot stand you all goung through so much and if I had the power I would take away all your pain and suffering, but for now we all just have to believe God will wrap his arms around us and take us all in a protect us!
Gilda- Thinking of you sweeet thing. I know its only been a week, but listen to that body and do not lwt any pain go on for to ling no matter how short of time it has been....a little worried about you. Love you as always. keep me posted.
Janie- I was so sad I missed your call, but I love love love you accent :) I just have not wanted to burden you with all of my issues, but you cal meant more than you will ever know. I am glad you are doing well still and I pray pray pray that Miralax continues to give you a tolerable life....not perfect, but so much better. I love you.
Jenise-I am so happy that you are finally having so much less pain and I pray for you everyday,, thank you for always thinking of me. My eyes are finally heavy so I will close out
Judy, Amanda, and everone else I did not get to I love you and am always thinking of you....ALWAYS. I hope I reciprocate the love you all give to me and if I am not please let me know and I will try to be better as I Am NOT the only one suffering on this forum and I want more than anything for all of you to be out of pain and to live, laugh, love and never live your lives around poo!!!!!!
I will check in tomorrow when I get some time. I leave very early and have testing all day Thursday, but will have my computer with me. I will give you all my room number and feel free to call seriously...i do not sleep well in hospitals. You can text me, i will try and have my mo update or hubby and you all have ny number and if not....616-446-4914. My email is [email protected] for those that do not have fb. I will do my best to keep you a updated as possible. Love to you all....its now 420 am...gotta sleep a litttle.
Lizzie