Just can't do it

I'm so sorry your wife feels like that about it.. I think you should both consider some therapy to help you come to terms with what is a traumatic change in your lives. A stoma is not 'gross' ! It is something which can save your life and treat all sorts of life threatening and debilitating diseases and conditions... You will feel beautiful again and there are all sorts of underwear garments and clothes which can help you 'hide' it and make you feel more confident. Have a look online and make sure you speak to your doctor for support. Good luck

Dear tai..........so sorry your wife is having such a difficult time with this. I do not want to criticize as everyone handles things and views things differently from one another. I'm sorry you don't have her support as this is not a choice any one person wants to make but when it becomes necessary to save your life, improve the quality of your life, end your suffering it should take on a different perspective for her.

Therapy or counseling for the both of you certainly sounds like the way to go so this situation doesn't drive a wedge into your marriage that will be too difficult to fix the longer it goes.

My husband and I were talking just yesterday about this. I was with 2 girlfriends yesterday and I was trying to offer some advice and help for her brother who just cannot accept and embrace his ileostomy. The other gal was wondering how my husband was doing and acceptance etc of this situation. She doesn't really know my husband and the type of upbeat, positive person he is and how he has always been able to be realistic and evaluate a given situation. This of course has been the saving grace in him being able to adjust and accept this.

For yourself, please make a list of all the positive things that have come about now that you have this. Hopefully whatever negatives you may come up with are far outweighed by the positives.

If your wife is willing - she should spend some time on this forum and get some insight. She is quite insulated only being exposed to it within your own household. I have found from the start of my husband's illness and suffering and eventual surgery that if I didn't have Healing Well I don't know how I honestly would have coped to all of this if I didn't have everyone's experiences to draw upon.

My heart aches when I read some of the more serious problems out there and relate the various situations to him and we are honestly grateful & feel blessed that he has come through this rather easily in comparison. Your wife needs to definitely get a greater understanding so she can better support you. Hopefully counseling or if she can take the time here like I said and maybe get an "AH HA" moment to get her to better understand. Best of luck to you. I hope you can get this to work out.

Have to agree with the others here, her response is not OK, after dealing w/surgery you should not have to deal with this. She can talk to her friends or a therapist or whomever or look at this list etc. if she thinks it's gross, but she shouldn't be saying it to you when it clearly bothers you so much and you are at a time when you need a lot of support. Did she see you when you were sick? Are you a lot better now? Is she grateful for that?

Do you have other people in your life who help you feel good about yourself in light of the surgery? Some therapy can be a good idea too, as others have mentioned -- it's a huge change.

Are you getting some of the benefits of surgery yet? Can you do more things, eat more foods, go more places etc? Is she included in those things? Can you focus a bit more on that?

I am fortunate that my partner has been great. When I was having insecurity, particularly around intimacy, she reminded me of how much our intimacy had been affected by my illness -- the bag is so trivial compared to being exhausted, having to run to the bathroom, having painful skin issues, being on prednisone, etc.

I am also wondering how old you are. I think it can be so much harder for younger people dealing with illness/surgery because most younger people are healthy. By the time you get to my age, most people have seen peers die of illnesses, have various kinds of disfiguring surgery, go through chemo, etc. Just offers some perspective that might be hard for you and your wife if the rest of your peers aren't dealing with serious illness, major surgery, etc.

Hope you can get through this, hope you can accept yourself, no matter what others think. Sorry it's so hard...

My wife was grossed out by my ileostomy when I had it. Fortunately for us, I only needed it for about 10 weeks and, in that time, I myself wasn't exactly feeling too terribly amorous. However, even though she was grossed out by it, she was completely supportive and was actually the one that insisted on changing the appliance when I needed it changed. I'm sorry you're going through this and agree with one of the posters from above.....a little immaturity on the part of your partner.