good morning all- this is my first post. quick details: 10/16/10 aka You have a tumor Day. stage 2 rectal tumor, 28 treatments of chemo/rad, removal of my entire rectum eight weeks post rad/chemo, ileo loop-got used to it-second round of chemo ended 9/21/11 got the all clear CT 10/10/11. went back to the gym, felt great, got as strong as i could because i knew the take down was coming-which it did on 2/10/12.
so now, moving forward (because we really have no choice in the matter, do we?) i used to be like clockwork, 8:30 am was my time, we all have a time, some of us just took it for granted. now i notice-20 days post surgery- that i have no time. some days i can read 'war and peace', my legs go numb and my body continues to empty out oblivious to the fact there is nothing coming in, but other days i eat normally, have no urgency, no gas, no bloating, then in the evening i kiss my hubby good-bye for the next couple of hours as i choose yet another book that weighs less than ten pounds because that is the weight restriction my doctor gave me for the next few months, and retire to the bathroom, sit straight, grit my teeth at the burning, and have even considered taking my lap top with me just to pass the time...so to speak.
wanna hear the crazy part? as much as i cried and hated my bag for the first five months, i got used to it. i was used to eating anything i wanted because it went through me so fast that i went for high nutrition without any thought to calories. when i went back to the gym, many of my gym-mates had no idea what i had been going through and commented on how great i looked. i soaked it up- it was great to hear that as opposed to all the well intended pity and sympathy i had received for too long. but that's not the crazy part...this is: i have moments when i would go back to the bag and learn to make that my new normal. crazy right, i know. i keep reminding myself that it took time to get used to the bag. i have read where people that lose an arm or leg still feel the arm or leg, well, i stop myself short of patting my side to check my bag...sheesh...this is the strangest adventure i've ever been on.
eating is hit or miss. what sits well with me one day doesn't another. i can go to the bathroom one time in 12 hours or 12 times in one hour. not taking anything for pain or metamucil or immodium. just thought at first that i should be able to control my own body on my own. i have always done lots of kegals and i have always been a walker. i think both have helped, but being such a fan of routine, i just wish my body would listen to my brain and do as i say!! okay- tantrum #80796876765 done with, i will get past this, just don't know when. am i rushing things? i try to take a walk at least twice a day that does not end at the bathroom. on a lighter note, since spending so much time in the 'loo' i have cajoled, nagged, whined my way into getting my husband to repair all manner of little things we had been letting go, ie- regrouting the tile, clean the vents, repaint the bathroom, caulking around the window-etc. he's such a good guy. i'm blessed, i know i am.
so is this my new normal? when does it level out? am i really looking at another year before i am 'normal'? if no one is able to help with this...well have you read any good books lately?