Finding the perfect someone with an ostomy?

Oh My God! This guy was totally NOT worth your while if he took off like a shot over an ostomy. I mean he could have at least hung with you and finished the date and been polite. TRUST ME, anyone worth it who likes you WILL NOT CARE that you have an ostomy. Since getting my ostomy I have actually made friends with some guys and they do not treat me any different than if I did not have one. YOU will meet the right person yet. Being "not perfect" is the true test of who is worth it and who is not. Besides, is he perfect? NOOOOOO!

Good luck and take heart. I am the one with the ileostomy stoma that decided to go on strike and is not working. So trust me, as long as your ostomy is working you are all good. I just hope they can find what is wrong with mine or I am a goner.

Rosemary

Wow totally not worth your time. Don't let something like that get you down. If they care about you for you, they will stick around. Stay in the game and eventually a real gentelman will come around and treat you right.

That must have been so hurtful; I can't even imagine. I was diagnosed with UC at 22, and for about 6 months I practically put myself in quarantine because prednisone made me look like, what I perceived to be, a monster. That drug made my face blow up like a balloon while the rest of me was 85 pounds due to muscle atrophy. It made me break out in such bad acne that my entire face was covered. Prior to that I had absolutely no problem getting a date. I remember one time telling a guy friend about how I looked over the phone, but he couldn't believe for one minute that a medication could change me that drastically. Said friend had been trying to get together for a while as more than friends, but I hadn't been interested (I was pretty good at pegging the jerks). Well, after we got together, he basically laughed out loud and treated me different until I went back to looking like my old self. Then the joke was, for sure, on him.

This is a time that should mean a lot as you will really get to see the men who are worth anything down the road. I know it sounds cliche, but there is a lot of truth to it as well. That being said, DO wait until you have been with the guy for a bit before saying something. Try to conceal the pouch as best you can, using some of the techniques we mention on here, until you are comfortable with where the relationship is enough to share. There are levels of self disclosure, and actually, you don't owe it to anyone to share private business until you are comfortable enough to do so. I don't talk about my butt to random people, so why would I tell just anyone about my stoma.

By the time you do tell, the guy will have developed feelings for you already, and if he truly does care for you, one inch of your body is not going to mean anything to him. Sometimes people run because they don't understand. I think of all of the good friends who talked me out of getting a pouch because they wouldn't have wanted one. These are my very good friends, and the situation was somewhat awkward for them because they just couldn't relate. So, there are always two sides to these situations.

One more tidbit: stop looking and keep busy! I met my husband at a time when I wanted nothing to do with a boyfriend. We still joke about it today about how he knew I was the one and I couldn't care less, LOL.

I enjoyed reading all your comments on this....you guys are always so good with advice.
Hang in there girl. Good men are hard to find but they are out there. I'm 59 and went through a terrible divorce after 23 years of marriage (cheater) and I was 52 at the time and said....where do I go to meet anyone at my age? Who would want me, I'm a grandmother and I have a 16 year old still at home. I am a Christian and so I didn't want to go meet a loser at a bar. I joined ChristianMingle.com and met the wonderful man I'm married to now (its been 5 years). I was perfectly normal when I met him and then a year later I got terribly ill and he rushed me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with cancer (Leukemia) and had to have blood tranfusions I almost died because my hemoglobin was so low. They started chemo two weeks later. I was off work for 6 months----no sex allowed either. I was terribly sick during this time, strung out on large doses of steroids and chemo, in the hospital every month from the chemo. At the same time I was rushed to the hospital my son (who was 19 then) had a brain tumor and was scheduled for brain surgery in another hospital in L.A., I was in San Diego Hospital....he was admitted for the surgery while I was fighting for my life in another hospital, we were 200 miles apart and my husband drove back and forth to both hospitals to be with me and also with my son (who is his new step-son). My son's surgery was successful and the tumor was benign and he has not had any seizures in the last 3 years. I on the other hand got real sick a year after being diagnosed with cancer, I was put in the hospital with severe divirticulitus for 5 days. I changed my eating patterns and was a good girl and then 5 months later I was in terrible pain and once again my husband rushed me to the hospital and I was in emergency surgery immediatly. My Colon had ruptured open (the top part of the Colon). They removed 2/3 of my Colon and I woke up to an Eliostomy bag and a Colon drain on the other side. My Gastorenteroligist and Surgeon both believe the Colon burst because of all the chemo and steroids my body went through that it damaged it because I've never been sick with this before. Six months later I went in to have the take down and instead of 2-3 hours it was 6 1/2 hours long, 3 surgeons and the surgery was not successful. They had to remove "all" of my Colon and put a bag back on me and stitch up the colon drain incision since that was no longer needed. I was devestated!! 6 months later (Dec. 29th) I had surgery again (3rd one in a year) and this time the Surgeon was able to connect my rectum area directly to my lower intestine. I live without a Colon and lots of bulking stuff I have to take but I am soooooo thankful to be alive and to have a wonderful man who took his vows seriously (for better or worse). He has taken good care of me and my son. I didn't feel very sexy or romantic when I had the bag and I discussed this with my doctor and was seeing a counselor at the same time. My husband has a very weak stomach and so I was concerned how he would feel looking at me with this poop thing hanging on me. I had many accidents in bed, at work, at a restaurant, other places with my bag and my husband was always there telling me it was OK. He told me that I was still attractive and sexy to him and that the inside beauty far outweighs what is going on outside. He's so sweet but it is a mind thing and was very hard. Now things are better, no more bags but I still have my challenges with running to the bathroom and occasional accidents with the diahrea. There are good guys out there. Hang in there girl. I feel for you because you are my son's age (he will be 23 next month).
By the way...my Leukemia is in a somewhat remission state right now. All my blood levels are good but I have to have them checked every 3 months because Leukemia never goes away he said, so there's no "real" remission like other cancers. I live each day with a purpose and enjoy my life with my wonderful new husband. There is lots of hope out there....hang in there.
Blessings,
Linda

Hi Linda, your story is very touching, glad your on the mend, Rachel.

There are a lot of good responses here. One thing that might be helpful that others haven't mentioned: When you're new to "putting yourself out there" it can be hard to read your own feelings. It's so exciting when someone seems so nice and you're connecting and there's a bit of a spark. It's easy to get wrapped up in your own hopes (He could be the one! I could finally have a boyfriend! etc.) and to forget that this isn't someone you really know that well.

What happened with you is that it turned out that the guy was not as nice as he seemed. People put their best foot forward at first, so this is a pretty common occurrence. It's very disappointing to let yourself get some hopes up and then find out that this person isn't as perfect as you hoped.... but it's not about you. You didn't do anything wrong.

It probably would help you feel more confident to learn to hide the bag better. Otherwise, as the others said, just keep putting yourself out there, treat others well and insist on being treated well.

And hey, you may have dodged a bullet on this one..... because I'm sure that guy's reaction to the ostomy bag is just one example of a broader undesirable quality .... always better when you figure out such things sooner rather than later.

Thank you all for the words of advice and the wonderful stories that someone is out there that can love us even with a bag.

Cece, I have to say, when I saw your picture on the photobucket, I was like WOW! This lady looks like a model. You look so great. One would never know you have been through all you have. Soooo glad you got a great husband that lived up to his vows.

Yep, lots of dating stories. I think we all have to hold the perspective that we are lucky to still be here then everything else is just icing on the cake. Easier said than done for sure. We have a depth to us that many people do not, though we did not get it in the way we wanted obviously! But really puts other people and their reactions in perspective.

Rosemary

Dreamer, I don't have an ostomy or even an illness (my daughter has UC) but I often post about my brother who had a near fatal stroke at 24 and came within minutes of dying. He had two emergency brain surgeries, radiotherapy, initially was paralyzed, lost his vision was told by his doc that he would never get up off the hospital bed he was lying on if he managed to live. He had been pretty much perfectly healthy (had mild UC) before then.
His girlfriend at the time broke it off with him as she could not handle the stress. She married someone else a year or so later. I post his example when I see posts like yours because it has been a huge lesson and example to me about the importance of attitude, confidence and determination. I know it sounds cheesy but he was adamant as he watched his friends move out, go to grad school, get promotions, enter serious relationships, get married etc that he would not be left on the sidelines. He spent his first few weeks in hospital focusing on his fingers and toes and willing them to move until they finally did. He then had about four years of physiotherapy and serious pain continued to focus on his recovery while going back to work full time, doing an MBA on the side, dating, getting a great job, traveling, getting married.
He is now recovered but has no feeling on one side of his body. He works in a cut throat corporate environment and is an executive but he tells me that still almost every week someone asks him why he types with one hand and he tells them about his stroke (his choice, he's been in a couple of commercials for the heart and stoke foundation because he wants young people like him to know they are not the only ones this happens to under the age of 70!)
So, my point is, if you are determined and you project confidence about yourself, your body, your abilities then others will not feel that there's anything "wrong" with you. My brother did see a psychiatrist and I think it's a good idea for almost everyone but it helped him focus on his goals and how to achieve them and to deal with his depression.
There are always going to be people who aren't up for any extra "issues" or whatever but no ones life is going to be perfect. Focus on yourself and what you want to achieve (you are very young) and take strength from what you have overcome. Someone deserving of you will come along.

There are many heartless jerks out there. I've been with my fiance since I was 15 (going on 14 years together) so he's been there for it all. We split up a few times and I dated 3 guys. One had NO clue what an ostomy was, had to show/teach him. All were understanding and were accepting of it. There are good guys out there. Keep your head held high, karma sucks. There are guys that will see past the ostomy and see the beauty in you.