Intimacy

I'm sure there are threads about this in the past but I've spent hours looking through old posts and have yet to come across one so I thought I'd start a new post - I hope that's okay with everyone.

I am a new ostomate: partial colectomy and reversible ileostomy placed in September of this year. I'm getting to a point in my recovery where I'd like to make my life as normal as possible. But here is my problem: a "bag" has always been my worst fear, absolute nightmare, and I had no choice in the matter (emergency surgery - woke up with it) so there's a lot of depression and anxiety surrounding it. Also, I feel very self conscious about any noise or smells it may make and feel I need to STOP the intimacy before it gets too far to ensure everything is empty and clean and regulated.... .and that's just not the most normal thing in the world.

My partner is very supportive and it doesn't bother her at all. I just have a horrible self image tied to it and it makes me feel anything less than attractive. I want to be close to her and regain that level of intimacy but it's been almost impossible for me and I just don't feel like she should have to be suffering too.

How did you get past the uncomfortable feelings surrounding intimacy when your ostomy was new to you? Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated!

My partner has seen me completely naked and has remarked just the same as your husband. She's truly amazing about it. The problem is all me and I know it's mostly mental.... that's one reason I posted here hoping someone could give me some "how to" tricks when it comes to that.

I have looked into pouch covers and I do know when I have the tan pouches versus the see through ones I feel MUCH better - it's more hidden I guess. I've also looked into intimacy covers.... but I'm not working right now and my partner just lost her job so we're not in any space to be spending extra money that's not needed. I've also looked into some of the ostomysecrets undergarments.

I know I'll find something that works at some point. The special, romantic evening sounds like a good idea - doing everything BUT focusing on it. I'm sure once I can get over my walls the second time won't be so rough!

Thank you for your kind ideas :)

I agree with flchurchlady. However I am a male so getting sexy lingerie was not an option for me. However my girlfriend does not mind at all. I wear a hollister belt and I will tuck the bag into that and sometimes I will put on a smaller bag like lingerie suggested. Also I have just ordered what is called a stealth belt that I have High hopes for (I will let you know what I think of it when I get it). Either way you decide to go I assure you your partner will not mind it at all. After I got "most" not all my confidence back I hardly even know it is there during sex and either does my partner.

I second summerstorms suggestion, but I am a guy. If I don't feel that comfortable I will wear a "wife beater" or whatever they are called. They are kinda like tank tops. Besides a lot of women look sexy in them imo.
I am a male though and I do exactly what outpatient does. Tuck the pouch in the belt that way it's not moving around.
I like the tan ones too. The only hard part is trying to line it up with your stoma. My ostomy nurse suggested to me today the 2 peice system. The wafter goes on first and you can see where you are putting it and then the pouch over that. I'm sure if you and your partner decide to get intimate you can switch it out for a smaller pouch real quick.

The belly bands are also at Target for about $15.