Being Intimate With Your Ostomy

I'm going to be honest: my love life has significantly decreased in the year I've had mine. Typically I'm a very sexual man. However, issues with my bag and my developed negative self-image over it has certainly put a restraint on my love life. How do you folks make your love life still have the sparks and intensity? Any recommendations?

My girlfriend doesn't mind since she just completed nursing school, so it's the least of what she witnesses. But to me, it just hasn't been the same.

I was somewhat reticent at first as well. With time, I managed to become accustomed to the bag and accept it. I also wear a waistband and no partner has ever made it an issue. The issue was more mine than my partners'.

I agree here about emptying the bag first and wearing the belt to keep it hidden. Yes I am a female, but deal with the same worries as my husband doesn't like it.

So I made covers to wear over the bag. Then I wear a lace material like a belt. He said it really helps. So for you, the belt would help a lot.

If someone is put off by it after having it covered, then they aren't worth the time.

I either use a waist band (maternity band) or the Stealth Belt for intimacy. Since I can rotate my pouch (Coloplast Sensura Click), it's never "in the way" and keeps flat, since it's not being folded over.

Some people will switch (assuming you have a two piece) to a smaller pouch before intimate encounters, but I don't see it offering much more benefit to how I do it already.

Do your best to say fit and women shouldn't be bothered by the belt or band.

Hello all, I am a new member and I am glad I found this forum as it's comforting knowing there are people out there having the same questions and worries. Talking of worries, here is my biggest one at present.
I had an illiostomy since 2009, but this year I decided to make it permanent and remove the rectum as it never settled and is bleeding on and off. J-pouch, although an option is not for me. So I need to schedule the surgery. I've been putting it off for years and with good reason-having a child. Now my daughter is 3.5 year old and I don't intend to have any more because of other complications during pregnancy. So now I ran out of excuses to put it off. I was advised to have the rectum out as soon as possible by a consultant to eliminate risk of cancer and I understand the urgency. But, I am scared my sex live will never be the same. I'll be in permanent pain from what I've read on forums. Both my husband and I are very sexual people and I am dreading it. My husband has been very supportive and having an illiostomy hasn't been a problem (for him, I have body image issues, but we all do), but having issues with sex is terrible. As someone in the forum already pointed out our partners haven't signed up for that.
I haven't had the surgery yet, is there anything that can be done to mitigate this. Do you all ladies find sex painful? Any workarounds you've adopted? Any positions that work better?
The consultant also mentioned numbing sensation and difficulties reaching orgasms? Anyone experienced that? I feel really depressed. Any words of wisdom? Thanks

Pembedata, welcome! Please keep in mind that people are much more likely to post on forums when they're having a problem than when things are going well, so you get a skewed picture. Rectum removal can change the angle of the vagina a bit, and there can be complications, but by no mean is "permanent pain" the typical outcome.

Thanks ladies, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my message. You are right, people tend to post on forums when they are either very happy or very unhappy with the outcome.
I will start a new thread as suggested earlier and hopefully get an idea of different experiences. I really hope that it'll all settle but if there is anything I could do in way of psychological prep (if that is at all possible) or to learn from others experience and move forward faster and hopefully with less pain, I'll feel better within myself. Thanks again.

It's only been 3 months and you already sound like you're getting your life back. The rest will come with it. Your girlfriend sounds wonderful and supportive, and that's the most important thing. What is it exactly that's bothering you about the bag? Is it just the psychological aspect of it being there, or is there a feeling or a noise or something?

Yes, spontaneity is gone because you do need to take time to empty before starting. But other than that things should work as before, except you're healthy so maybe you'll enjoy it more! Definitely look into getting a pouch cover. There are many online sites for such things. Having a soft non-medical-looking cover may help with both physical and psychological comfort. I'm surprised the velcro opened on you and leaked; that has never happened to me. Again, having the cover will give you some extra protection for that.

I was using a cover until I switched to the Coloplast Mio pouches. The Mio has a "sex mode" (they don't call it that, but that's what it is) where you can velcro it so it's half the usual size. Keeps it out of the way!

Two suggestions for the flapping. Both require a two-piece appliance if you're not already using one. The first is to order some mini pouches that you can swap on there when you are being intimate. You can even go for non-drainable closed mini-pouches so then you don't even have to worry about any Velcro issues. The second suggestion is a Stealth Belt or something similar. I have not used one of these but people on this board seem to love the Stealth Belt. Google it to find out more.

"Sounds like you and I are in very similar situations. My fiancé claims to not mind, but I do and I think she does too"

When someone you love and trust says this to you, believe them otherwise it's obvious you don't trust them to tell you the truth. In this case, it's probably a 'it's not you, it's me' problem, ie it's the way you perceive they should be thinking when in actual fact they're probably not thinking the way you think they are thinking anyway (can you read minds?).

Never in Personal Ads have I ever read "must have sense of humour, love cats and poop via rectum and anus". How you poop is simply not a criteria most people base a relationship on. Some people wear glasses to correct an eyesight problem, some people wear braces to correct teeth problems. We wear a bag to correct a bowel problem. In all honesty, the fact that you're now healthy enough to live life and enjoy it usually more than makes up for you having a bag and your partner, if they are truly in love with you will appreciate that fact.

Think of it this way. What if the situation was reversed and it was your partner who had the ostomy? If you truly loved them, would it turn you off or would you accept that it helps make them healthier and find ways to embrace it and live with it? If it's the latter, why would your partner be thinking any different?

If a partner truly does have a problem with your bag, then I would suggest that there are bigger problems in your relationship than you having an ostomy and they are just using it as an excuse to avoid talking about the real problems you are having.