depression question

How do you guys handle the great depression of losing the prospect of attracting another physically fit person into your intimacies? I don't buy the theory that people look past those things. I was not in a relationship before my colostomy and find the prospects of finding someone to be daunting.

I am not single, but I don't think I would have an issue with my ileo, if I were to date. I am comfortable with my situation and like Cecilia said, there are people who will love YOU for who YOU are!

I do have an uncle (through marriage) who also has an ileo...since he was 17...he dated, married, had kids, divorced and married again...his current wife and I laugh about how he told her and how it was a non-issue! Moral of the story, there are wonderful people out there who accept others for who they are...

Honestly, YOU will have more of a prob with it then your partner. I didn't/wouldn't believe it either after I had my procto, but it's true. Every girl I've met has been pretty wonderful....I'm still single, but believe me it's not because of the bag, in my case it's more about ideals/politics. Just be yourself, if you're liked, it'll be for you, not your bod!

Matt

Ditto for me --- hubby and I were dating when I had my surgery many years ago. I even tried to end our relationship thinking I didn't want to hold him to it based on my medical situation. But, he was adamant at the time that it didn't matter to him and he was thankful that I would soon be healthy and we would be able to go places and do things together that we never had been able to do. He was right. We dated a LONG time, like 8 years before we got married. So he had plenty of time to back out of it!!! Been married 17 1/2 years now. It's just part of me and him too!

Having an ileo was more of an issue for me than him, believe me. He forgets about it... I can remember one time years ago, we were goofing around outside and he slung me up on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! I panicked but everything was just fine. Just goes to show ya how resilient that little stoma is!!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everything will just happen and fall into place in time. I know it is probably easy for me to say, but you will see.

D22-how long have you had your bag?

Maddening in what way? What was the reason for getting your colostomy? Do you go out much, just in general? Just curious, but don't feel like you have to answer my nosey questions....If it is too personal.

But just remember, you are truly healthy now and actually able to lead a pretty normal life.  It is just up to you to grasp that ideal and move on. 

I would venture to say that NONE of us on this board would have seriously "chosen" an ostomy to have for the rest of our lives, HOWEVER, the flipside of that might have meant that our quality of life would suck or we might have even died without have the surgery and ostomy.  So, tell me, what did you do with yourself Pre-ostomy that you cannot do now?  I'm not sure when you had your surgery so I don't know if you are dealing with post surgery pain, so it's hard to know how you are feeling physically.  My ostomy seriously doesn't keep me from doing anything that I want to do...  And once you become active in doing the stuff in your life that you enjoy, you will honestly forget you have the bag.  Yea, I agree, emptying it is not the most pleasant thing, but it doesn't take very long and it's better than sitting on the loo reading the newspaper, waiting!!

How can we help you?  Do you have any questions that we can help you with?  Please feel free to be specific ... we all will do our best to help ya out.

im sorry you are having such a rough time. Personally, it took me a few weeks to reallly get a handle on having the bag, but it was such a big improvement over my previous life i was all for it!
Like peggy said, i didnt spend my childhood going, "when i grow up i wanna poop in a bag!" BUT its much better than dying or living chained to the bathroom.
I think she is right that you need somethign to do to keep your mind off it. A good bit of the time i forget i even have it. For the first 6 months or so i messed with it constantly though, always checking to make sure it was not full and still attached right, lol.
Do you have a support group you could go to? That would help you some i am sure. Also, just keep posting here with any problems and concerns you have, this place helped me alot! All these people are great and i couldnt have gotten through it without them.
How about something like an antianxiety medicine?

hope you get to feelign better soon

D22,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time accepting your ostomy. Do you feel comfortable talking with one of your doctors about it? There are a variety of low dose anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines that you can take to help get you through this.

Many of us suffered for years with an Irritable Bowel Disease, like Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, or colonic intertia, and surgery gave us a better quality of life that we didn't have before. Had I been given an ostomy right after I got sick, I don't think I would have suffered enough to appreciate feeling this good, so I probably would have had a much harder time accepting it, too.

The good news is you're alive and cancer free, so that's a good place to start in trying to think positively about this.

This quality of life for a single man is nearly intolerable. I'm sure it may or not be for others. But for me that's the situation.

What do people do about the herniated area by the stoma? What's the best thing for a man to wear if he ever dreams of being intimate again?

Dear D22,

I certainly can understand your reservations about intimacy. For some of us it takes longer. Although far from perfect, I felt very comfortable about how my body looked. I was slim, dressed to accentuate it and was never afraid of intimacy with the right person. I loved to dance, wearing the normal leotards and I lived to swim. I have had Crohn's disease since I was 16 but I got anal cancer like you, 2 years ago and that's when I had to have a colostomy. It's been a very hard road to stay on, but it is getting better. I immediately developed a hernia in which two surgeons do not want to fix fearing it will just come up again. I felt VERY uncomfortable with this as it is visible under virtually ALL the clothes I had. I had to completely change my way of dress. I do feel a bit frumpy and I don't dance (at least when people are looking!) or swim anymore. Just can't find anything to hide it. Anyway, I found that talking to people here helps. I did see a therapist, and I took Ativan for a little over a year to help with the anxiety. I have been intimate since. The trick is to realize you will get back to normal. It's just a different kind of normal. Oh. And the biggest thing. Have a sense of humor. If I didn't laugh, I would be crying!

Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication. It was prescribed both by my oncologist and surgeon. Gosh, if there is something over the counter that works the same way, I want to know about it! D22, feel free to email me anytime...

i dont know of anything over the counter. Sometimes if you take extra vitamin c it can help with your mood, and i think vitamin D can also. but they arent meant to calm you really. Ativan is nice, lol i took it for a while.
As for what to wear during "fun times" you could get a belly band and just put that on, some people have used ace bandages, some men just leave their shirts on. Or just tape it up on itself so it isnt hanging down, thats the only part that bothers me abotu having it during that time was it hanging down, when i figured out how to fix that it was fine.