Lizzie...
Granted a lot of us did have a pretty nasty little disease post ileo. However, I believe the only difference from our situations and yours is that we had a diagnosis. We had medication options and optimism from our medical teams. It sounds like you have had a constant battle with an unknown culprit and have recieved few answers. Of course you're living in an emotional limbo!
You have suffered for years with some form of bowel irritation and I'm sure great discomfort. When you close your eyes and imagine what that had felt like all those years, what do you think? What does your heart tell you? Are you stressed and overwhelmed b/c nothing seems to be working and you are still suffering? Having failed medical attempts is very difficult to accept and it does horrible things to your heart and soul.
Now, close your eyes and what do you feel? Is that discomfort gone? What positives do you feel physically and emotionally? What has given you those positives? Your ileo? Possibly so.
Your identity is an extremely important and cherished entity of each one of us. We are constantly learning and changing every second of every day. However, every once in awhile we are faced with situations that require changing that we do not agree with or accept. My advice to you is to focus on what makes you feel good. Do you feel better when you have your hair and make-up done? Do it every morning. Is there is a certain outfit or form of dressing that makes you feel good about yourself? Wear them as often as possible. Do you enjoy nature and soak up the sun? Take 30 minutes each day and just live in that moment...let your hair down and just be. I always suggest wearing your favorite most sentamental jewelry while doing housework. There were days during my recovery that I wore pj's and slippers, but had my hair and make-up done like I was going on a date. : ) What your likes and favorite things? Focus on them.
Do not allow yourself the opportunity to dwell and focus on and feel the negatives. The more you see and understand the positives, the more you'll begin to believe them and before you know it, you'll be living with just the positives. I know the negatives to having and ileo. I know the daily responsibilities and fears of having a wafer pop, but I choose to focus on the positives. I'm not sick. I have control now. My body is much happier and my quality of life is just magical.
I agree that seeing a counselor or psychologist would be the best thing for you right now. Medications can take 4-8 weeks before seeing a drastic change in one's emotions. And the physical pains you're feeling may have a lot to do with your stress, as one's physical wellbeing is greatly affected by their emotional health. However, the medication is only a helping hand in the stress/emotional management. The rest of the work must be done by you. : ) That's not fair is it? However, it's like the discussion on Chassity's post...I stated that the next step from this point is peach and acceptance. I feel that you can and will achieve that step just as soon as you work on loving you, all of you. Get to know you again and I cannot stress how important it is to follow your heart. Allow your heart to make some decisions regarding your feelings and I guarantee you'll start seeing a brighter side to every day.
