A question for ladies only, (or guys too but this is emotionally really sensitive)

As you know my permanent ileostomy was made necessary by severe pelvic injuries I sustained in 2006 pelvic reconstructive surgery for internal prolapses I did not have. 7 procedures were done when I only really needed 2. Main gist was that my sigmoid colon was not prolapsing internally as had been misread in the preop scan, surgeons saw in surgery it was not redundant (per expert review) and defendant surgeons proceeded to remove it anyway, did it wrong (per expert review) and then did no f/u to complications thus leading me on my 13 month chase cross country for help. ANd I was lucky to get the help finally with the lysis of small bowel adhesions and the ileostomy as colon and rectum had been permanently damaged. For this I will always be grateful for as long as I live.

I did not consent to 7 procedures in the original 2006 surgery and obviously would not have as nobody would for benign issues. Despite having had a hysterectomy in 1995 I did not have a vaginal vault prolapse, did not have a bladder prolapse, and did not need both ovaries out (just right one for benign ovarian cyst.) All I really needed was internally prolapsed SMALL bowel pushed back up into pelvis and space closed through which it prolapsed and a rectocele fixed. All could have been done vaginally on case review.

I am lucky to be alive and as long as I stay free of adhesive reobstruction and all stays well with my ileostomy stoma I will be very lucky as I have been so far for 4 years. I have accepted being unable to eat many of the foods I used to like to eat and my nutrition is fine anyway. I am one who can't eat anything I want like many ostomates can but that is even OK with me. I have traveled extensively, have more planned, enjoy walking and ballroom dance.

BUT because of the vaginal lift and the bladder lift both of which I did not need, this created real issues vaginally to the point where penetration is simply impossible. I certainly realize that sex is at the bottom of the importance list when ones life is at stake and having my ileostomy continue to function is indeed the main thing. BUT I cannot help but feel cheated out of yet one more bodily function (ability to have sex) in addition to losing the use of my colon and rectum.

If I were just an ileostomate and did not have this other pelvic damage, sex would certainly still be possible. BUT my damages are beyond just having a bag.

What I am looking for are ideas on how to accept this additional loss that will never be able to be returned to me. Ideas on acceptance welcomed. Again, glad to be alive, but it seems like enough is enough with the losses (which on case review) proved all to be needless at the hands of my original doctors doing additional unneeded procedures for dollars most unconsented. I'm at the point of so what if I win the suit, my body is basically lost and my life will forever be somewhat at stake with the threat of reobstruction. Am just getting kind of tapped out on the acceptance thing. Rosemary

Rosemary, you have been through a lot. This is so hard.....

But here's my suggestion: change your definition of sex. I don't want to get too personal, and I don't know whether you have a partner, but you said penetration was impossible, which is not the same thing as saying that sex is impossible. Anything that feels good sexually is sex. So what you've lost is one kind of sex, but not all of sex -- just like you've lost some foods, but not all of eating. Explore other things that feel good or might feel good, maybe some you've never tried before....

Our culture is very strong on positing intercourse as the only kind of sex that counts, but sexuality is so much broader than that (and intercourse isn't what feels best for a whole lot of women who don't even have health issues).

Which is not to take away from what a huge loss this is...... and losses do need to be grieved.

My two cents.

Thanks all for responses that make total sense. I am seeing a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder counselor but we have not yet gotten to this subject. My mom just died so we are dealing with that and with my whole fear of readhering issue, like as in don't waste the time you've been given worrying about what may or may not happen and just be glad you have not readheered and it is now four years out from getting fixed up the best that could be done.

I do have a special male friend to be close to once in awhile, we live far apart geographically. He is fine with what I can, cannot do, or want to do or do not want to do. It is I who is all hung up about what I wrote about. I do think you are right that society conditions us to think we are all supposed to be able to have vaginal penetration and leap about like 25 year old divas. Lots of media hype, I do agree.

Thanks Serenitiee. I will email you. I did not know that clicking on a poster's name can show the email (if they provide it.) Thanks, our paths are similar, yet different. I think what really pisses me off is that I did not even have the condition that I was operated on for! Takes it all into a different more unfair realm, but it is as it is as my atty says and he is so right. I just have to really tap into that with whole-hearted acceptance and dwell on the positives that I was soooo lucky to find through my own endurance. But, So hard when others I know personally are whole, well, and all their gears are clicking. BUT, it is as it is.

Thanks all, love you all, Rosemary

Thanks Summer. Rosemary