(No Subject)

this may not even be the correct forum to post in but just wishing so much to find some hopeful advice or information so i apologize if so.

My story as I am guessing it happened in steps and I'm not sure all of them are related.

When a young child (I am 40 now) I had hernia due to a certain injury. I had scars after than ran along my rectum and under the privates all the way up to the penis head. Not sure it is related since this is a common surgery but mentioning in case.

Years later, about 8 years ago, i was traveling and got a really bad case of food poisoning or the like. During the many times to the bathroom puking and sitting on the toilet for two days in the hotel, i began to feel pain down there. Afterwards i started feeling weak in my contractions and started having light dribble after urinating that still happens and i have to shake it off and milk the last bit out. Not horrible (yet) but it happened. I can't squeeze so tight as before.

As far as the rectal area went it has never felt good again. There is a weakness in the resting pose that always feels like its pushing out and causes pressure up to my head. I even get dizzy now whenever i go from squatting to standing say when looking at bookshelves. At first it felt bad but didn't necessarily look bad aesthetically. When i tried doctors they just kind of passed me off although i never saw a specialist in that area.

Over the years, it's gotten worse. I'm either constipated or liquidated. I even had another bout of sickness from food and it all happened again. Now, it's just miserable and even looks much worse to the eye. It actually looks like there is three anal openings. There is one small sort of exposed pocket below and above the opening. They don't go all the way in but i can put the tip of my index finger sort of in them and can feel the tear. I can't help but wonder if the previous operation where they made the cut tore from pressure or if it's unrelated.

All I know is I can't get myself to do much of anything except sit and feel it. Swimming, Hot Tubs, Baths, all feel uncomfortable now. Sitting, standing, lying down, same. Any lifting of heavy objects is rough due to the pressure. Exercise is really hard, yoga now hard too. I tried to blow up a balloon once and that felt really bad too from the pressure. Even getting in and out of my car is annoying. I can still hold in waste just not as strong and occasionally there is some small soiling. In general the daily feeling has eliminated so much from my mind. Just feeling it all day has knocked out a lot of inspiration. I can barely do my photography art anymore from depression and I can't seem to get into anything new as I feel like just disappearing mostly. I was finally barely accepting it and starting to move on when i had another bout of food sickness and it's now even worse again. Now i'm just wanting to cry all day.

Has anyone heard of anything that might help? I'd even go for a full bag situation myself to not have this feeling all day and get back to feeling in life again. Sorry to be so wordy but i felt i should explain best i could.

Thanks
rich
40, Los Angeles