Hypocondriac or Symptomatic

Hello everyone. I guess I am what you would call a lurker. I found this site after going through robotic surgery in August. I have really appreciated the men ( and women) sharing their most intimate of stories with us that really needed to hear it. To all of you thank you. A little about me. I'm married to a wonderful woman for 15yrs. I have three beautiful daughters all under 8. I'm 44. I've never been sick. I've always been athletic, played football, trained in mixed martial arts. I'm 6'4" my weight usually remained stable around 240 (summer)to 250lbs (winter). I gotta admit. I always thought I was a pretty tough guy, not afraid of anything or anybody. I went in for my job's annual physical (I missed last year's physical due to a broken ankle sustained during a training incident). During the DRE the doc told me he felt a small lump on my prostate and I should get it looked at. I brushed it off. When I received my physical results the nurse had attached a large handwritten note insisting I follow up on the lump. At the time my PSA was 0.9. (I didn't know what PSA was or meant at the time). I saw a urologist who felt the same small lump and had me take a biopsy. 3 of 12 cores came back positive. Until the doctor told me never in a million years did I even consider that fact that I could possibly have prostate cancer. I had no symptoms. When the doc said I had prostate cancer I felt a cold chill rip through my entire body. I was shocked, stunned. I felt raw fear like I've never felt before but because my wife was right there ( and crying) I held it together and asked how long I had to live. My world was turned completely upside down, I figured I had months to live. Doc explained otherwise.  I had RP in August 08. Post Op patology report was clean, contained, negative margins. My first post-op PSA test in December was <0.1. My best friend's father died of prostate cancer two years ago and I saw him near the end, it wasn't pretty. He had the radiation seeds no surgery 6 years ago. Different symptoms my friend told me his father experienced I believe I am experiencing also. My friend's father cancer had spread to his throat and it was hard for him to swallow. I think I feel something in my throat and upper chest. I read about the hip and spinal bone pain once the cancer spreads now I think I have a pain in my lower middle back right where the spine meets the pelvis. My upper thigh looks a little swollen on the left side and the left side hip joint has been feeling a little sore sometimes. Every now and then I think I feel a slight throb on my righ hip. Since this dx I have gained 20 lbs due to cancelling my exercise program. Head wasn't in it, afraid exercise would help the cancer to grow. Every little thing I feel I try to guess if it's muscle or bone pain. I have recently began running and traininng again as I am geting too fat.  My lower back feels funny sometimes after I've been sitting down for a while.  My spine feels funny sometimes. I know this was a long post but it's driving me crazy. Am I a hypocondriac or experiencing symptoms. My doc said it's all in my head due to my low psa. Do you think I'll live to see my 70's.

G:

Oh believe me...I get it.

Between my biopsy and my surgery I had ALL kinds of "phantom" pains, leading me to believe that the hand grenade had already gone off. Then after my surgery and pathology came back clean (along with the normal healing pains/time) it all went away. I then had three <0.01 PSA's over a year and I started making headway with leaking and ED. Then, at my one year mark my PSA comes in AT 0.01 (not less than like before). My three doctors (all urologists/surgeons that I see for different reasons all said not to worry, that it was likely lab slop or that the techs simply left the < symbol off the report (he said "it happens a lot")). Then...all of a sudden the pains re-surface. Now I am pretty darned sure that at a PSA of 0.01 it's pretty much impossible that I have prostate cancer capable of producing any symptoms or pain, but isn't the mind incredibly powerful?

Sometimes I wish I got hypnotized right after the surgery to forget the whole thing and simply roll the dice in this crap game.

Jersey,
First of all, brother, welcome to our brotherhood. Glad you been lurking, glad you decided to join. As usual, we are sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.

What I detect, and it is most normal, is a continuation of the fear/anxiety that is expected with any cancer dx, let alone PCa. You are a young (for PC) happily married father of 3 in great physical shape. And then blam, you get hit with this thing. It's not something you just get over with simple mind power, and we sure wouldn't want you to dig a hole and go into denial about it.

The good news is right in front of you. Low PSA to start with, a Gleason 6 before and after surgery, good pathology report, and a great post surgery PSA test. For someone with PC that just had surgery, you are doing pretty darn good.

I drive my wife crazy with my speculations about new pains and aches and weird feelings. But fortunately, in my case, she's a very experienced nurse, and hears stuff from her patient's all day. She listens well, and then determines if my imagination is getting in the way. Thankful for that voice of reason.

Plus, you are still recovering from a major operation, doesn't matter if it were robotic or open like mine, that alone puts the body and mind under a lot of stress. Some feel that a full recoup doesn't take place till about the one year mark, of course that would be different for each person depending on their overall health and situation.

What you need to do, and I am learning this too ,is to get back to the land of the living. Enjoy your lovely wife and family, your girls. Do the things you like doing pre-surgery and pre-PC. Not always easy to do, I know, but you have to keep trying. I wish I had our age difference, it might have made my recovery a bit easier along the way.

You are doing well brother, it sucks that you got hit out of the clear blue with PCa, but you did, and you have been dealing with it the best you can. To answer your last question about making it to 70, no way to give an answer, out of our hand and out of your hands. You might get hit by a bus in a week, or you may get shot by a jealous husband when your turn 90.

And if, and certainly don't know, you weren't leading the healthiest of lifestyle, then do like I am doing, make some healthy changes in your life, so that you will love longer and healthier.

Glad you are here, hope we can help, we will all be pulling for you.

David in SC

I thank everyone who posted a reply. Just to clarify a few items. I don't obsess about it. I'm a pretty normal guy. After my dx I brought a few books and read everything I could find about this thing on the web, the good the bad and the ugly. When I'm sitting around by myself with nothing to do I think about all the different things I have read about this beast. I start to wonder if it's still inside lurking. It's crazy because I'm a take problems head on kind of guy. With this thing, there's nothing to do but wait around and hope for the best. It just goes against my nature, it's frustrating. The phantom symptoms are not constant. I only feel them when I sit around and think about them.  So maybe it's in my head. This is my first time posting to any forum although I have been a frequent visitor to many. Reading all of your journeys really helped me. This is not something I can talk about to anyone. I'm ashamed to admit it but I don't like revealing my fears to anyone. I when to one support group meeting and hung in the back. All the men there were way older than me and had mostly all had either radiation or seeds. I couldn't relate to them. I can only talk to one friend about this (friend who father had prostate cancer) and he gets the abreviated version. All of my friends see me as this strong "man's man." If not for reading your journeys I may have literally gone crazy. I just want to live to be there to teach and protect my three daughters and to grow old with my beautiful wife of 15 yrs. Thanks again.

Hi Jersey-
Welcome to HW! I believe HW to be the best site for patients and families dealing with PC. I am truly sorry you have to be here, and I get your obsessive personality. I was also completely obsessive when my father was diagnosed.
I think it is how many of us deal with PC, instead of melting down, we react. I had folders put together for all my father's dr's that contained all his reports, was familiar with all the latest studies and knew all the top doctors. Did it help? Absolutely. Was it a little unhealthy? Maybe. It was how I dealt with cancer. Things changed for me and I was able to reach a point, where I knew I had done all the research I could. I will continue to stay on top of current research, but unfortunately, I realize I personally will never find the cure for cancer. I hope that you will also reach the point, where you sleep easy knowing you have done everything in your power. We all know we can never turn out back on cancer again, but I hope you also know how curable this disease is, especially with your numbers. Honestly, I think your PSA is the lowest pre-op PSA of a cancer patient I have seen. You have every reason to believe you are cured and will die at a ripe old age. If I were you, I wouldn't be hoping for 25+ years, I would be hoping for another 44. Hang in there and keep positive friend.

Hey vs1vs2 we have more in common than you think. I've been in Law Enforcement since right out of college, a little over 22 years. I was gonna stay in my job a little while longer, now I'm just waiting to get my 25 so I can retire and enjoy the rest of my life. You're right this forum is a great resource and a good way to vent all my pent up thoughts on PC. I wonder how many other guys are in their 40's here. 

LV-TX, I have learned PC is still regarded as a "senior's" disease. The problem is the research I'm reading about now is on guys treated 10 or more years ago. I  know PC is now dx earlier due to PSA testing and DRE and treatment of PC is started at earlier stages than it was ten or more years ago. I have learned it is curable. As far as I'm concerned, I'm holding on to the fact that my PC was caught early, it was taken out before it had time to spread, and I am "cured." I won't feel cured until it's 30 years from now and I'm living with no biological reoccurrences, no PSA rising. I have learned I can live with this PC monkey riding my back, I've no choice, I just want to be around for a while enjoying the same quality of life I'm accustomed to. I think some of my problems, my phantom symptoms, stem from my being the heaviest I've ever been in my life (269). I think the extra weight is part of my problems. I have to get back down to 235-240lbs.

G'day JerseyG,

I completely understand the feeling of "why me, why so young" and the frustration at finding no statistics for younger PCa patients. Even though I found none, there are very many successful stories on this board of young guys with very good outcomes. Just that there is a tendency for those with good outcomes to drift off the board. That's why I came out of a long hibernation and "lurking" to give my 2c worth again. I learned that it is possible to have aggressive, fast-growing cancer as a person in their 40s and that if I hadn't found it then I may not have made it much past 50. I also learned that you can beat it and life can go on again something like normal and that it is possible to have had PCa and still expect to live a normal, long life. Against all the reasons not to get PCa in your 40s, there are definately advantages: healing and recovery time and I think outcomes in terms of continence and potency.

You can see my story in the signature. Immediately dry and ED never a problem. Of course, I could have put the idea of being a victim of PCa behind me and moved on. But after the shock of the diagnosis, the stress and obsession leading up to surgery and the recovery, I remain proudly a PC brother and it remains a life-changing experience and it has redefined me. I take every opportunity to speak about my experience, especially to friends of friends diagnosed at an early age. I said I would never forget what I learned about priorities and life itself from having this disease. I have to work hard to remind myself sometimes, but it is definately still there.

One experience as a younger patient: after the diagnosis I embarked on a magical mystery tour of all the best treatment centers in Germany to find the surgeon I wanted to operate on me. In one city where the surgeon was quite well renowned, I sat in the waiting room while his nurse announced to all the other patients " how nice it is to have someone young". I could have happily throttled her.

Stay positive. Work actively for the best success possible and know that this is not a death sentence and there can be positive outcomes.

AndrewJ, I appreciate your post. For some reason I never thought "why me" My thought process is more of "it had to be someone, why not me." This is the same thought I have when I buy my weekly lottery ticket.  I wish it wasn't me but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Maybe it was my love of well cooked red meat and milk, I don't know, just dealing with the reality now.  You might have something there about younger age being a positive factor in healing, recovery, incontinence, and potency. I had no problems there. I just have to get over my hypocondriac problems. I'm not use to unconciously paying so much attention to every little sensation of my entire body, every throb, ache, creak, or anything other absolute normalcy.  To you Sandstorm, I hope to be continuing this post at 75 brother. Let's both go on a diet. I did read obesity can be a contributing factor.

JerseyG-I added my e-mail to my profile. E-mail if you get a chance.
Tim

gpg, thanks for the uplift. I hope your situation works out as well. Is it possible for you to have another surgery to remove the remaining prostate tissue?