The Unmentioned Risk

Doctors often discuss at least some of the risks of the PC treatment protocal(s) they want you to consider, but the risk that your wife or girlfriend will lose sexual (or even total) interest in you after treatment is usually never mentioned.

Comments?

Zen9  

A Fair and Great Post Geezer !......................Kev

I've been keeping a short list I intend to someday post titled "Things They Didn't Tell Me Before Surgery", which idea was started by seeing several who had no idea they would have dry orgasm's. I may do that this weekend, if the rain is settled in for the next couple days.

Posting as a wife: at our initial consultation with the urologist/surgeon, he spoke about the side effects of both surgery and radiation. He told us about ED and dry orgasms - in fact, what he said was something along the lines of "we refer to it as the dry heave of urology". He said there's no way to tell how affected John's "ability to perform" would be impacted as each man is so different and, the doctor would not know if he would be able to spare some or all of the nerve bundles. Perhaps we were luckier than most in that we have a frank and honest doctor who spends time with John at each follow-up visit discussing ED issues and how we're both coping with it.

To Zen I would say that if a wife or girlfriend loses interest in her man because he "cannot get it up" (pardon the gutter talk), then the relationship wasn't too solid to begin with. Frankly, the post surgical experience has taught us that there is more to sexual loving than intercourse.

Zen, I don't know what your treatment choice was but, based on your post, am guessing it was surgery. If I am correct, sounds like you may be regretting your decision and that would be truly sad. If I am incorrect in my assumption, I apologize.

as we just spoke to surgeon yesterday so I put little informaiton here if this helps. The surgeon we met talked in some deepth about the side effect from surgery: leak, ed (include dry orgasms, and even shortage), and what to do to regain the function. if we have question, he was willing answer all that. No man or woman likes to have these problem but if you want get rid of cancle, and to live 20 or 30 years longer, you got to pick the most important battle.

I was scared xxxxless when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in shock for about 3 days and then got hooked on internet searches for pc. As I have said before, I went to every site and ultimately landed on this one. I learned quickly about cancer, incontinence and ED. I told my doctor my goal was to be cancer first, contient second and then work on the ED. Post surgery, everything is good except for ED. In the old days, I could easily get an erection. Now it is difficult for me to think sexual thoughts and try to get aroused. Do I wish I was perfect on all ends - sure I do but I (we) have cancer not some happy disease that goes away with a pill. What I am trying to say, not everybody recovers perfectly, not everyone is cancer free, yet we are still living. Of course we could do more homework, some doctor's could be more forthright and take time with their patients but we do not live in a perect world. Please take as my opinion because sometimes I think we forget where we've been and where we are now......

Zen, please post your stats.

I'm the one who introduced the "diagnosis" of anger and so I should get the flack for it.

I guess it was the brevity and pointedness of the post that triggered me. I should also say that I struggle against anger nearly every day but with the help of therapy, I mostly don't give in. If what happened was projection, then I apologize -- If it was "it takes one to know one" then let me again promote the value of therapy.

Geezer
Let's here it for therapy! I've often said that every doc should hand each guy a card with a therapist's number on it when the patient is given the diagnosis. Cancer is a complicated disease which triggers complicated feelings. It is a complex response that involves anger, grief (lots), isolation, vulnerability, fear, depression, denial, anxiety and a host of other feelings. It is often overwhelming. I would encourage anyone to START with therapy when beginning this process. It is not a sign of weakness, it is simply taking care of yourself and helping those around you be keeping us all aware of feelings. Thanks for bringing it up. All too often, men look at seeing a counselor as a sign of weakness. I think it takes an enormous amount of strength to deal with all this.
Thanks for the reminder.
Paul

Give the guy a break, why would you change the thrust of the post to something else. Its a legitimate post for discussion till yall sidetracked it. jeeze !!!

I would like to weigh in on this as well.

Personally my doctor and HIS STAFF discussed just about everything we are talking about here. Of course my research and the info I learned here at HW prepared me for the questions I needed answers to, especially the ones I hadn't even thought of.

I capitalized his staff for a reason. They have a person dedicated to the Penile Rehab program for instruction, follow-up and to answer any questions the patient may have before or after surgery.

The have a relationship counselor to discuss the more intimate details in a comfortable and relaxed setting with both the patient and their partner. These discussions take place before the surgery and are available after as well.

My wife and I had a few weeks to talk this over and begin the open dialog that is so important after the treatment.

And YES, I was one of the more fortunate ones to have such a great support staff. I realize that there are many more men that approach treatment without this.

But here is the real meat for discussion I would like to throw out.

James mentioned posting a list about the "Things They Didn't Tell Me". It could also be "The Things I Didn't Know to Ask".

Jones and Bartlett Publishers seems to have a corner on the market for the "100 Questions and Answers about (fill in the blank with the medical issue)" books. They are written by doctors for the most part and some have, albeit limited, information provided by real patients. Did the doctor who wrote the 100 Q & A about PCa ever have it personally? Did they ever go through the experiences themselves? I would bet not.

We all have a book inside of us about or journeys. Be they short such as mine or for many years and through many trials and tribulations like others here.

Why don't we as a collective body submit our ideas about the things we didn't know, weren't told and didn't know to ask. Why don't we as a collective body submit our personal experiences. Why don't we as a collective and cooperative unit write our own book.

If each of us only touches one or two that will travel the PCa path, the results could be far reaching.

HW is a self supporting and personal site by Peter. The proceeds from such an undertaking could provide the financial support the site needs. If it is truly successful the proceeds could provide support for other PCa activities; yearly gatherings of survivors, education, support, research, the list is endless.

So my brothers, I throw this idea out there for discussion.

Many times through my wife's battle with cancer we have talked about writing such a book just to help others that need to know that life with cancer is different, it requires some changes, and it is not without it's tragedies.

But It is Life Nonetheless. It is to be lived, relished and enjoyed. "EVERY DAY IS A BONUS" and it is up to each of us to find the beauty and enjoyment in every day, even it is only one very small piece at a time.

Sonny

I may be stating the obvious here, but it's always a good idea to include your significant other in any discussions that you have with the urologist pre-surgery. That way, you can talk as a couple about what the doctor is saying, and there are fewer surprises.

There are also some good books that you can read before or after the surgery, such as "Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy" and "Intimacy With Impotence: The Couple's Guide To Better Sex After Prostate Disease".