A New Day/Week --Some New Meds--And A Different Outlook and Game Plan

First, I want to thank each and everyone of you for your never ending support. I read each of your responses to my "Vent" thread in detail and took great solace from your comforting words.

Been doing a lot of thinking (this time constructive) since my vent. Met with my PCP, had a great discussion and started on some new meds for the nerves and sleep. Most of all I spent some quality time talking with my PCP, my wife and my son. I may not have all of the answers, but I feel confident I am on the right track.

You see I am a giver by nature. My positive attitude and outlook is and has always been present and real for me. I tend to have an affinity for wanting to help and sometime take others problems on as my own to solve.

As most of you know (I have said it often) my wife has cancer and has been dealing with it for the last 5 years. When I was diagnosed last June she was just three days in the hospital, in ICU and on a ventilator, for a stay that lasted 9 weeks. Many days were 50/50 according to the doctor. So by day I was at the hospital and by night I was doing research on how I was going to attack my problem. It was a busy 9 weeks. By the time Lynn was released I had a plan in place and appointments scheduled. Almost all of it was centered around the fact that I needed to get it taken care of so I could get back to my job of caring for Lynn. We have since had many discussions about how she felt left out of this process and carried a little guilt for not being there to support me.

There are many positive factors that have come with my association with cancer while living with her's for the last 5 years. Many of those positive factors helped me in dealing, coping and planning treatment for mine.

BUT, THEREIN LIES A GREAT PROBLEM FOR ME.

I HAVE TENDED TO MINIMALIZE AND TRIVIALIZE MY OWN CANCER. I have never given mine the level in personal importance and credence that it deserves. I tend to go from day to day thinking about the needs of Lynn, my son and everyone else and push my cancer to the curb.

I have not paid attention to my own treatments, the possible side effects, the long term effects from treatment and the mental side of treatment. Been kinda burying it under the surface without really thinking about it.

I think it finally came to the surface and reared it's head. I am sure that a lot of this was brought on by the fatigue and exhaustion that I seemed to be encountering recently.

So I plan to put this all right and get on the right path. The new meds are helping me sleep and I am feeling rested. The anti stress meds seem to make things a little more palatable and easier to deal with and I am allowing myself to have cancer and place the importance on dealing with it that it deserves.

I have told Lynn and my son that at least 2 days a week I will announce that this is a "SONNY HAS CANCER DAY". For that day I will not worry about the needs of others. I won't worry about making the morning coffee, bringing the paper and morning breakfast to the bed for Lynn or expending energy on things that my son deems important for me to attend to. I won't worry about what the meal plans are for the day or whether the dog gets his walks.

This will be my day of doing the things I need to do for me. I will tend to my physical and mental needs. I won't shut myself off from the family, I could never truly shut down and not think about them anyway. I will just let them fend for themselves for just a little while on this day. Besides, they need the exercise too.

I never went through any of the so-called stages of finding out you have cancer. Just didn't have the time and then again I tended to compare it to Lynn's, which was as I know now, not a fair comparison for me.

I will still view every day as "A Bonus". I may cherish it a little more. I am still looking forward to traveling and taking the trips in the RV. But I will approach all of this with the knowledge that it is okay for me to know that I also have cancer and it is alright for me to take care of me once in a while.

This may not seem like rocket science for many of you, but it is a revelation for me. I have cancer and it's okay for me to know it and deal with it. Without realizing it many of you said as much in your posts. It took reading many of them over and over for the message to come through. So thank you so much for your words, wisdom, caring and taking the time to send me the message. I GET IT and now I can deal with it.

Thank you my friends,

Sonny

Mel, I asked my PCP about the fatigue and she felt that it could indeed be a cumulative effect over time. Especially when added to the insomnia problem I have anyway. And oh yeah, great, I am getting ready to start another round of radiation in a few weeks. Hopefully, this one on my leg won't be as long or draining as the SRT.

I will surly let you know when our travels take us up your way. Look forward to meeting you.

Sonny

Sonny3,

There is much wisdom in your post.  Thanks.

Zen9

Good post Sonny. I like to refer to myself as a "late bloomer" as that always sounds better than saying I am a slow learner. But everyday life teaches me something new and it sometimes takes me awhile to grasp it. Hope your fatigue fades with time, but when tired take a good nap, or a power nap. Thanks for keeping us posted on your progress and most of all thanks for sharing.
Michael

Sonny,

You mentioned you were on sleep meds and anti-stress meds ... I am not sure what you are taking; however, mine leave me feeling tired ... relaxed, but tired.  They could be partially responsible for your fatigue.

Stress can hurt you alot (including fatique), and heavens knows you have had a massive amount of stress over the last couple of years... both emotional and physical (sliced and diced and irradiated).  If your plan of having two Sonny days a week does not help ... you might want to consider some professional help.  I know that in my case it helped me (my health), my marriage, my business, etc.  The coping skills that my psychologist gave me worked, and it was nice to have someone help me sort out my problems and my focus, ..... you can't always do it alone. 

Good luck and best wishes.  

Michael, David, RCS and Jeff,

Thank you for your words of support. Not sure if my plan is the right one or the complete one, but for now at least it's a plan. Tried it out on Sunday and so far so good. Been forcing myself to try to call it quits a little earlier in the evening and give myself a little more time to get a good nights sleep. Seems to be making a little difference. But as David said, I do seem to hit that wall about mid-afternoon and once there it is a little hard to shake even with a good 1-2 hour nap.

Hey, it's another Bonus Day today and I am sure that I will find something in the day that makes it better than yesterday, yet not quite as good as it will be tomorrow.

Sonny

Sonny,

A good example is me and naps. By nature, I never every nap, hated them as a kid, and just dont sleep by day as an adult, have enough trouble sleeping at night. When my faitugue wall hits these days, despite my best efforts, I find myself passed out sometimes, even at my keyboard, or watching a movie, etc. Wife came home today, had to use the key to get in the house, which I dont usually lock when I am home, and found me passed out cold on the sofa! Must have passed out for about 1 1/2 hours and didnt realize it. Needless to say, I didn't have any dinner ready, so it was a good excuse to eat out. You are doing well with your new plan, I am still very happy to hear about you dealing with you.

David in SC

Sonny, thanks for your great and thoughtful post. It really helps to see right thinking emerge to turn those natural momentary downers once again into positive attitudes and plans that make sense. I know I, and I'm sure more of us, draw great inspiration from you and some of the others here who have it so much tougher with this beast. Keep up the positive energy! Best wishes to you and the whole family.

Sonny-
I have come to realize one of two things will happen when I read your posts-- I will laugh or I will cry. I thank you for both. I appreciate you being so present and candid in your journey and for sharing it with all of us. With that being said, I love that you have your "Sonny has Cancer days". You need to fill your cup before you can share with others, but I also know that you have your "Sonny and Lynn are not going to talk about cancer days" both days are good for the mind, body and soul. May all your days be good ones.

Sonny,

I am getting used to those afternoon naps myself. Had one today, well, not quite afternoon, more like 11:45.

Isn't Margaritaville somewhere on the Fla. coast? It used to be wherever we tied the boat up just after we checked in with the harbormaster. Probably still somewhere nearby!

Hang in there!

Sonny great post I didn't have acancer day just a nap about a hour for a month or so 6 months from rad getting my strength back everyday its getting better and better I'm hoping I can get back to normal as I ca get
DEERHUNTER