What! Cancer...I don't think so...

I have read several of the posts on Healing Well, and can relate to several of the posts.  I am a novice at posting, but my issue is I am having a hard time believing that I had Prostate Cancer.   I had no difficultly before I had surgery, except the clicks and the pinches of the biopsy process.  My Gleason score was 3 +3.  My doctor recommended a book “Prostate and Cancer” which I read cover to cover.   I have had reasonable good health my entire life.   We, my wife, my doctor and I (based on a lot of education) decided that since we did not have a “crystal ball” that surgery was the best course of action.  You all know the post surgical results, from caths, to drips, to milking the cow, and something I have not had to deal with yet and that is sexual functionality.  I would like to know if there are others out there that have experienced this sense of, I guess you might call it “denial” of your condition.

 

Thanks in advance!

I can relate to your feelings. I couldn't believe it either. When my uro told me my PSA was elevated, I was so clueless on the subject that I actually said to him 'is that a bad thing'? How stupid was that? After the biopsy showed PCa, it was as if I was dreaming and it didn't feel real for many months because I felt so healthy otherwise. Eventually, the reality of the situation settles in. You are doing the right thing, first of all by being here. There are many, many knowledgable, caring, and supportive people here whom are willing to answer any of your questions as you proceed on this road ahead of you. Also, read books, especially Dr. Patrick Walsh's "A Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer". You have time to research the subject and to eventually come to grips with it. Find the absolute best doctor to treat you, no matter what method you use. My uro had done only 20 daVinci robotic surgeries, so I had to say 'thanks, but bye, bye'.

Best wishes,

john

I have had cancer 3 times before my PC dx, so I was not shocked, I was deeply disapointed. I was prepared a year in advance for the dx, as it took 3 biopsies to find mine. I had read the Walsh book at least a year in advanced, cover by cover. When it did sit down with my Uro after my dx, I was calm and we discussed what the numbers meant, and the basics of each available treatment. It was almost too calm.

When I left his office, it was late, it was dark out, and when I sat down in my car. It was only then it hit me between the eyes, and I cried for several minutes before I was able to leave the parking lot. By the time I drove the 20 minutes home, I had composed myself, and was ready to deal with it.

It hits everybody different. I just couldn't believe I was going to be dealing with another major cancer in my life. All I will say, is that I very much understimated the nastiness of PC, and how unpredictible it is, and just how many things can go wrong with treatments.

David in SC

Welcome to the forum.

I think denial is a pretty common reaction. I was too young, never even a sensation that anything was wrong, and then a random test added to annual blood work blows the world apart.

Friends loaded me up with Walsh's book and some others, and I read them cover-to-cover, thinking "all this can't be happening to me?"

With the numbers the doctors gave me, and the really bleak prognosis, I did the multiple opinions, thought out the impact, chose surgery, and then the path was ugly, so off to radiation.

Through all of this I continued to think that I would be in the 98% number that gets thrown around by the doctors (98% become continent, 98% ...) I did deny that I could be in the 2%, but hey, I'm there now.

I expected to be up and around in hours, but it was days. Back to work in days, but it was weeks. Back to normal in .... Well, that won't happen, so we redefine normal to fit where we are now.

sm416 numbers and dates

My age: 58
Initial PSA: 2.7 JUNE 2009
PSA: 3.3 treated with cipro reduced to 2.9
PSA: 5.7 March 2010 treated with Cipro
PSA: 5.7 May 2010 scheduled biopsy
33% of 1 of 12 biopsy points (left side near bladder)
August 9th Prostectomy with 3D Robotic Surgery
August 16 Staples and cath removed
August 24 still limited to no driving and no lifting
August 30 allowed to drive
Sept 7 return to work.
No known previous history of prostate cancer.

sm416,

No denial for me. While I certainly was not happy about my PC dx, I can't say I was surprised. I have been told for years by my family physician that almost all men will have some form of PC if they live long enough. How much and how agressive are the main questions. Once diagnosed, I tried to learn all I could about my options and finally chose the treatment that I felt the most comforable with given my own set of circumstances (the accounts and opinions expressed on this site factored heavily in helping me make up my mind).

At this point, I have done all I can do and I am optomistic about a good outcome. One positive by-product for me is that I don't "sweat the small stuff" too much anymore. I'm finally learning to slow down and enjoy every day.

Don't look back. Give yourself some more time to heal. Just because they cut smaller holes in you doesn't change your surgery from major to minor. I'm guessing that things are going to look a lot better in several more months. Someone above gave you some good advice....start accepting and getting used to a new "normal".

Best wishes down the road,

Joe

sm416:
- there are times of denial in which it seems like ..." are we done yet with this?...." " .. I don't want to play this game anymore.." ... but as with prostate cancer and surgery / treatment ... there are no do-overs nor haven't-done- anythings ...

- I think the key thing is "getting on with your life" and doing your best to not let this beast called Prostate Cancer win... try to make what you did before surgery / treatment - the same as now -

- Denial is just one part of the five stages of grief ( as we all know) - the others being: Anger / Bargaining / Depression / Acceptance -
-grief certainly is not a linear process and I have found over the years that it jumps around and sometimes comes out of nowhere - and there you are, wondering what-the-heck-happened ...

- wishing you all the best in your post surgery journey - this is a great place for information and support - and a good place to vent when needed ...

hugs
BRONSON

Post Edited (tatt2man) : 9/6/2010 3:54:11 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you, all, for your positive posts. I think that I have classified my "denial" wrong. I often think about this cancer thing as nothing to worry about and have tried not to make it a big thing. I told family and a limited number of close friends about it. I think I was more worried about my wife and what she would have to go through. I know what it is like to wait during an operation (I have done that a couple of times with her). I recieved good news as to the pathology report all "negative surgical margins" and nothing found in the lymph nodes that were removed. You know I was in the Navy during the 'Nam conflict, but I really don't think of myself as a veteran, that is how I feel about the cancer. The book I read had a russian quote "Even though your boat has a hole in it, just keep rowing and bailing." or something like that. I am not ignoring the hole but I am rowing, and bailing a little.

sm416; I can identify with your feelings. At one point, I almost had myself convinced that my dr was going to call any moment with the news that there had been a mistake, and I was fine. Even after my RRP, I kept thinking, maybe this was all just a big screwup, and I really don't have cancer after all. When it took a longer than expected, and longer than normal time to get my path report, that just fueled my denial.

Well, I obtained copies of all my pathology reports, and have scrutinized them for any shred of data that was inconsistent with my identity. nada, zip,..... it was me, and it was there, and it was real......and really really scary.

If you could post your staging and gleason score, that would tell most of us a lot about where you are.

I am pT2c N0 Mx, with a Gleason of 4+5=9 That's the ugly part. The good part is that I had negative nodes, and capsule contained cancer. Six week psa was non-detect. Now, I worry about micro mets. I'm also wrestling with whether to start Lupron hormone therapy for two years.

But, right now, I feel really good physically. I spent all weekend working in my garden, driving my tractor, and working in my shop. 10 to 12 hours a day in the heat, and there is probably not a 15 minute period of time when I don't think about the meaning of a Gleason 9, and it scares me. <sigh>

Red Nighthawk,

Thank you for the acknowledgement. Not a lot of people at the time of that conflict wanted to thank those who served in the military. So many were not able to see that someone would have appreciated their service and the sacifice of their live.

Blessings to you.

sm.

there are actually quite a few of us Viet-nam vets scattered among the brethren here. Guess our general age frame puts many of us in the same war. glad you are a fellow vet too.

david

Goodlife,

I have been remiss in answering your question. I was stationed on the USS Ranger out of Alameda Ca. (More like Subic Bay). 1973-1975. Apologize for the slow response.

Steve