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Posted 9/21/2010 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
I would like everyone to know something about me. I don't get mad I get even. Pistols at 3 PM here in Florida with the sun at my back. You are responsible for you own travel expenses here and back.

nono
Posted 9/21/2010 8:21 PM (GMT 0)

NEIrish writes:   When should the question of depression be medically addressed after PCa treatment? My "Quiet Man" is getting quieter...

Hi NEIrish,

I am going through something similar, but Ron has escaped through sports - mostly watching football games.  Do you know how many days a week football is on television?  I do.  I have brought the Grandchildren to visit, and he enjoys that but gets tired quite quickly.  We also rent videos on the weekend.  Ron is experiencing sadness fot three reason:

1.  The pain in his most fragile area that just won't go away.

2.  The need for pads/Depends after 4 weeks.

3.  Feeling so tired when he previously was active.

We are still postponing intimacy, although we hug and kiss.  But I feel great sadness for my husband.  I love that he has survived cancer, but I wish we could go somewhere.  He says he is fine with the way it is now until he feels better.  We have a huge family gathering on Sunday, but he prefers not to attend this year because of his problem.  For now, I can handle it.  He will see his doctor again in about 2 weeks, and we'll see what will be done about his pain.

So that's where we are.

BTW, the second thread I posted on was about Wives Depression.  Those ladies aren't here now, although I do email two of them.

Peace,

Aimzee

 

Posted 9/21/2010 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Aimzee,

For Ron -

tell him that I go buy pads at Walgreens so often I know the manager by name, and he gives me the sale price always since I'm such a good customer. That may be the only positive thing about still using them 11 months later, but hey, we do look for the silver lining. At least the depends pants are a thing of the past, and I get to hold the 2% brigade flag (the doc said 98% are fine in a month ... stand-up comic, that one).

I found that forcing myself to walk at least an hour every day, and when possible twice, helped a lot. Once the pain and fatigue of radiation set in (and the weather got so hot) I backed off, and can see the impact it had (negative). Am just now having to force myself to get started again. And I can see some positive results. (OK, I'm leaking a little more, but that is because of the walking vs. kegels muscle balance, history tells me it will balance out in a week or two).

Thinking to myself - 4 weeks out - that was a 52-pack of pads every 6 days. Now one lasts at least 3 weeks - I'm saving money !! smilewinkgrin

Posted 9/22/2010 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
You brought up a good point, 142.   I hope Ron will start to do more walking.  He is fighting the pain and wants to stop the leakage.  He needs to practice the Kegals.  I'll mention it to him.  Thank you!

Aimzee

Posted 9/23/2010 1:16 AM (GMT 0)

Aimzee:  Thanks for your personal report on Ron, and the observations on his sadness.  I completely understand, and have only deep sympathy for you both.  I hadn't seen your post on Wives Depression, and I'm hoping I won't need to go into "back issues" at this point, at least for my sake.  I've seen depression first hand in friends and family and know I have a ways to go.  I can definitely report sadness, frustration, anger, irritation etc., but never for too long, never in an overwhelming way. I had only one time when I had tears in my eyes for three seconds, telling a dear friend in the very beginning pre-surgery that I just cannot imagine life without him. 

But my husband...well.  I'd bought some surprise gift certs for massages at local spa - he'd never gone for one and loves his back rubs from me.  He won't go for fear one of the very few leakage problems coming from unexpected sneezes causes a tiny spurt (which hasn't happened in over a week and half now).  He smiles less, laughs little, shows little or no joy in things he usually does, including close family visits.  At 11 wks. post op he is still coping with ED (waiting for a 3 month scrip of Viagra to be filled by Medco) as best he can, but I know this hits him hard when getting frisky shows little progress with the ED.  He's also still internally achy - says the whole area still feels wrong. BM's work, but the sensation is he's not "emptied out".  Even eating feels different after a big meal is working it's way through his body.  He's still easily fatigued.  I've asked him to verbalize how he feels, and he does his best.  Basically, he's "sad" and "pretty pissed off".  Says we were the golden couple and things like this weren't supposed to happen.  "Not us", he says.  He will read over my shouder as far as HW is concerned when there is a specific, physical problem that impacts him but beyond that isn't interested.  There are many times when we both truthfully say we know we're much better off than so many others, but there is still that sadness...  Despite our reading, we were unprepared for the reality of the treatment and it's lingering after effects.  I'm debating attending local PCa survivor meetings if I can get him to go.  Some local hospitals host one a month.  We'll see.

Long letter, but it feels good to get it off my chest.  Unless poeple have walked in our shoes, you just cannot know what this is like for the guys.  From the diagnosis to the treatment and beyond, it's like nothing else out there.  I hate it. 

Posted 9/23/2010 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
Irish,

A trick with the 90-day plans is to always ask the doc for a single prescription for 1 month along with the refillable 90-day one.

Fill the single one at a local pharmacy, and send off the 90-day. The insurance company may see the first fill and wait 15-20 days to send the 90-day, but you have whatever meds you need day 1.

The mail-order companies will suggest you do this if you bring up the subject.

It is a system I despise, but have learned the ropes.

Go to the meetings. More than one if they are staggered through the month. You will be in a room of folks who have been there. No surprises, and no pretenses. I am involved with several.

I'm 11 MONTHS out - if "the way things were before" is an objective, he needs to accept that there is a "new" normal. I've got one, he has one. Each one has individual "rules". We didn't ask for it. It is different. Why us? Won't be getting an answer for that one in this life.

After surgery, I spent 39 days of being required to drink 500ml of water to put in a 200ml bladder, de-pantsed, shot with radiation, and leaking daily in front of techs and nurses. I go buy pads in a store where I stand in line with people who look at me cross-wise. Won't tell you some of the rebuttals I have  devil . I check out at a clerk who should be in Playboy and don't even "notice".

We don't get over it, we adjust.

 

Posted 9/23/2010 10:38 AM (GMT 0)
Irish, I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this.  Yes, it sounds like your husband is depressed.  I know Ron wouldn't go to any meetings; however, his good friend lives next door and went through all of this.  So, it's like a support system for him.

Even though he is not up to the big family gathering on Sunday, I was pleased today that he took our 3 year-old Grandson to Preschool today.  He was so happy to be with his Papa, and I know it made Ron feel better.  This little one wanted to see his boo-boos again, and is so concerned.

He would like to know how long the fatigue lasts.  I think the sadness is part of it all.  We haven't addressed the ED issue yet, but will in two weeks. 

I hope your husband can open up to his doctor.  I know you will do whatever it is to try to make life as normal as possible.  You and he are in my thoughts and prayers.

142, you crack me up! tongue

Aimzee

Posted 9/26/2010 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
 NEIrish, Hope life has taken a small step forward for you.  I am just a simple person who might be a bit more sensitive than most guys.    I was wondering Mr. NEIrish has lost some of his confidence.  If you can bear with me I’ll relay you a short story about my Mum who had shingles and physically devastated her.  My brother and his wife took care of her after she got out of the hospital.   When she wanted to go back to her home she called me to come and stay for awhile.     I went to visit her in the recovery stage the shingle were on the right side of her face and head.   I witness what appeared to be excruciating pain.   I was with her, rubbing her back and quietly telling her to breathe slow and easy, just to help calm her.   Before the shingles she’d walked for 60 minutes briskly 2-3 miles, that I had a hard time keeping with her (82 yrs old).  She lost all confidence when she went through recovery that she felt she could not do anything for fear of the pain attacks.   I thought of the things that liked to do (walking being outdoors, reading, going to a park ) .  I asked her one morning   if she would like to go for a short walk, it as a pleasant   sunny day, and she would say no.    I would suggest the sun the air might make her feel better.   She was afraid of having an attack of pain, I would said you might not, even if it only to the end of the drive or the end of the street.   She agreed, as we walked we talked about how nice the day was, she indicated that the sun hurt her eyes even with sunglasses.   I gave her my “life is good” hat to act as a visor (she still has   it and still wares it).   The next day we did the same thing and asked if she felt like going further and she said that she would try.   We found that she bit off more than she could do.   But the lesson was she was learning new limitations.   Each day after that we would walk, and each day we had the reward of being together.   She is back to walking about 45 minutes (not as fast but still walking at 85).   Gentle coaching was helpful for her.   I had thoughts when I was going through my recovery how the things had changed for me, hearing "no you can't do this or that" (which was excellent advice given to me by my wife and yes I obeyed).   I was not used to have things done for me, to me, because I most always did most everything (not necessary a control freak).    I am the kind of person that tries to help and make everyone happy (impossible but I am still trying).   That was something I could not do, so I thought of my Mum and what we did, I had to find my new limitations.   Giving advice does not always work, and I am sure you are the best support and the best coach that your husband can have.   But maybe if there is something he used to do that he liked maybe he and you could start small.    Please let him know that I am thinking of him, and know that he can still do most anything that he puts his heart into.   I really believe that.    I, too, acutally had fears of leaking on a massage table, but I didn’t.   I know that it may mean little. I would much rather pee slow, wear a pad than to have cancer. (Post note: first time that I have admitted that I actually had cancer, hope I don’t now!) Steve f
Posted 9/26/2010 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
PISSING/DEPRESSION/PADS, YIKES WHAT A MOTLEY CREW.

GOING TO LAST BREWER HOME GAME OF YEAR TODAY. GO BADGERS AND PACKERS AFTER THAT.

Posted 9/26/2010 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Replying to one more post then going with NEI for a walk. Thank you to those who listened sympathetically to my rant. I deeply appreciate it. I'm also past it. Whew. But the main reason is due to my husband's better days. Today is the first Sunday since the early July surgery he felt he could sit comfortably in a pew again. Nearly 12 weeks before being able to sit for any length on a hard seat - where was that written in the prostate lit?

We're both doing better. Me - strictly because he seems to be. May it continue so for everyone here. Go Badgers, whoever they may be...? :-)
Posted 9/26/2010 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
smilewinkgrin  Glad to hear today was a better day...hope that they get even better.

Steve f

Posted 9/27/2010 3:49 AM (GMT 0)

This is confusing... NEI is your husband's name?  Sometimes I call you Irish.  LOL1  Things like your husband going to church, and Ron taking our Grandson to Preschool are steps in the right direction.  May they continue!

It is true, our husband's moods can definitely affect us!  We have shared a lot.  It's perfectly fine to rant - and to prasie!

Best wishes,

Aimzee

Posted 9/27/2010 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Aimzee: New England Irish is my husband. I share his name, plus have 25% Celtic ancestors in my bloodline too. I fervently hope my rants are over - I was so miserably concerned for him. He does seem to be better, and I continue to promote conversation if he starts the Sean Thornton act (John Wayne's character in "The Quiet Man"). I've known of only 2 people who have had PCa, and one "never felt like a real man" again and drank himself to death. It adds to my worries re: depression symptoms...

142: I don't think either one of us has accepted a "new reality" yet, other than the very real fact of a dry orgasm. He's going to be 12 wks. post surg tomorrow, and we're still hoping for a return to our former lives, in and out of the bedroom. Is that foolish?

sm416: Your first post-surg psa will also allow you to admit "I had cancer, but they took it out." Have you gone for that yet? Thank you for your concern.
Posted 9/27/2010 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
NEIrish,

I think I will find something out on Wednesday.  I had some blood work done for my other meds, they took three vials.  I am hopeful of a goose egg.  I'll let you know.

Steve F (from the Maine area - grandson of Celtic generation)

Posted 9/28/2010 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
NEIrish, I posted something over at AUGUST SURGERIES.  It skirts around some of your feelings.  Maybe I shouldn't post there, but Ed popped in - so I just added my concern.    Ron is watching more and more sports, and I watched "Dancing With the Stars" last night. turn Not good, huh?

sm416, I wish you the best with your PSA testing!

Aimzee

 

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