Wife needs help

With my surgery quickly approaching in september,my wife is having a hard time dealing with it. She has admitted that with each day she is having a harder time sleeping and having anxiety.I'm curious to know how the spouses on this forum have dealt with this issue.

Thanks David, yes this is my first surgery. I am dealing with this better then the wife is. I confronted her today when I got home from work.I have noticed that she hasn't been going to bed till right before I get up to go to work.She is afraid of the "what ifs". I tell her I have two options,one is to just give up on life second is to attack this "mother" with everything and then live life to its fullest.

Hey metalman,

My wife was very worried going into my surgery. I discussed all the negative things that could result (incontinence, ED, unsuccessful surgery, positive margins, etc.). So far, I'm doing good.

Hope you do, too.

Good Luck.

Mike

Hello , This is Libby here , Bobs wife. I have to say that I too found it very difficult to cope with the surgery getting closer, knowing what to say and what not to say, Bob retreated somewhat and became much quieter , so I knew he was worrying too. We are a very positive couple and tried hard to say focussed and positive , but it is hard.

Lots of scary thought go through your head and I had dreams about being on my own and looking for Bob, so I got worried about going to sleep and dreaming it again so tried to stay awake, so silly looking back but at the time it made sense. Please talk to her , tell her your worries and concerns, share everything you can, hold one another to cry and to laugh, talk till you think there is nothing left to say and then curl up together and just hold each other.

I am a counsellor and yet I have to say we were offered no support , no backup and no help by anyone in the NHS, or No Help Service as I call it , so be there for each other and if your wife needs anyone else to talk to please feel free to ask for our phone number and i will with pleasure speak to her.

We are often afraid of what we think might happen, but if we have help and someone to talk things over with we are able to deal with it much better.

You are not alone, there are fabulous people on this site that can help and share their experiences with you , just ask , we are all in the same situation, and need to stick together .
Take vare , be strong and stay positive.
Libby xx

cmetalman,

I don't have a wife / significant other, so can't offer direct advice. I would strongly suggest that you check for a local support group. My USToo chapter meets at a local hospital once a month. For each meeting, we have a presentation, then a break-out where the guys and girls separate so that we can talk about those more "delicate" subjects. Most of the guys in my group come with their wives, and sometimes the kids.

Go to USToo.org and use the tabs to find a local chapter. Not all areas have them. An alternate route is to contact a nearby major hospital and ask if they have a Cancer Care Co-ordinator or similar role. That person should be able to help you find at least a general cancer support group.

Some states have local support organizations as well, but you have to track them down.

I understand the "not sleeping" issue. That was me. I can't think of a single night between diagnosis and surgery that I slept more than three hours.

My husband just came home from surgery yesterday.  For the last year I have been the one doing all of the reading about prostate cancer.  I guess because I like to read.  But I have found that doing the research and being on this forum has empowered me to deal with this situation.  In fact, I am the only one who logs into this forum and posts questions and reads other peoples posts.  Then I pass on what I learn to him. 

For me the real fear has not been the surgery, but what if his pathology report comes back worse than what we expected.  What if he needs additional treatment?  What if the cancer comes back?  I wish that going through the surgery would be enough to end this bad dream, but it is going to be on our minds for a long time with continued PSA checks. 

My husband has not wanted to share the cancer diagnosis with many people.  Only his parents and my parents and about three other friends know.  So I have to go around with a smile on my face when I am with all our other friends and act as though nothing is wrong.  I really don't want to hear everyone's opinions on it, especially when they have not dealt with cancer, so in that way I am glad that not many know, but it's hard living with a dark secret. 

The only thing I can recommend is that she take an active role in gaining knowledge about the disease.  For me knowledge is the key.

 

cmetalman, today is one year since my husband had robotic surgery to remove his prostate cancer.  I know how overwhelming your diagnosis is to both you and your wife.  Like our friend, Fish,  I was the one that did all the research for us.  The more knowledge one has, the better prepared we were.  Anxiety is to be expected, but your wife should seek help from her family doctor about the sleeping issue.  After your surgery, there will be many caregiving needs and your wife needs to be strong.  Being rundown may cause her problems.

It is hard to take a positive approach when you're not sure what will take place.  I went with my husband to each doctor's visit.  There should be one meeting about a week before surgery.  Maybe your wife could list her questions for the doctor.  You haven't provided any explanation of your numbers, but with early diagnosis recovery is excellent.  You can beat this thing, and sharing the journey together will make it easier!  There is good advice on this thread.  I hope they can be helpful to both you and your wife.

One suggestion... go out on a real date prior to your surgery! 

Wishing you both the best,

Aimzee

Cmetalman,

I can relate to your wife’s pain as I am sure all the other wives/lovers/mothers/sisters can.  Our journeys are very different to yours but certainly no less painful.

In our case we didn’t see the diagnosis coming and it hit us like a bus.  For me the shock was incredible as was the overwhelming feeling of panic with sleepless nights and there were times when I felt like the top of my head would blow off with the stress of it all! 

For me one of the hardest periods was the time between us making the treatment decision and the actual treatment.  Your wife will be worrying about the ‘what ifs’ and still dealing with the shock of the diagnosis.  As you need to lean on your wife during this time, she needs to lean on you too.  She could be feeling you have more than enough on your plate already so doesn’t want to burden you with her own worries so you must let her know that you are there for her too. 

None of us expected our men to get this but it is a reality and you and your wife need to work together to beat it and support each other through the journey.

For most of us ladies talking and crying is the best medicine and a hug works wonders too.  Sit her down and let her tell you about her feelings and fears, talk until she can talk no more and make sure she knows she can talk to you anytime she needs to. 

Perhaps also help her reach out to someone else, your GP, a counsellor, the church.  My husband is my best friend, my lover, we talk easily and share no secrets but when I hit my lowest point and felt I didn’t want to burden him with my own angst, I reached out to Macmillan (a cancer charity here in the UK) and an angel who, as a specialist urology nurse as well as a cancer counsellor, was and still is of enormous support to me.

This is such an overwhelming time for you both.

Sending you both a huge hug from over the pond and wishing you all the best with your journey and surgery.

Susan
xx

Cmetal, even though my husband's diagnosis and surgery were 3.5 years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Those here who know our story know that my husband - John - was very calm when he heard he had prostate cancer. I, on the other hand, was a basket case. I knew nothing about the disease, nothing about it's treatment or prognosis, and nothing about what to expect down the road. All I heard was the word "cancer" and my world changed instantly.

Shortly after diagnosis, the urologist ordered a CT scan followed immediately with a consultation to discuss the results of the biopsy, the CT scan, and treatment options. He (the urologist) encouraged John to bring the wife as, in his words, "women listen differently than men." I remember the night before when John and I were talking about the next day and the "what ifs." John told me he was more worried about how I would take the news if it turned out to be "bad." Of course, I started to cry because I was so worried and scared.

Well, the next day comes and we go off to have the CT scan. From there, we went to the urologist's office to meet with him. This was not the first time I'd met him since John had a biopsy for elevated PSA about 4 years earlier (which came back negative). The doctor spent 45 minutes with both of us, walking through the 4 stages of cancer, outlining what the biopsy told us, providing us with the clinical stage of John's cancer (T1c), and proceeded to go through the treatment options. I have to tell you that I came out of that meeting feeling like I'd lost 20 pounds of weight - all from my shoulders.

John chose surgery - robotic - and we had to wait 7 weeks before the surgery could be done (this is SOP after a biopsy). We used this time to learn and prepare. The day of the surgery was hard and long, but John came through with flying colors and I survived it just fine (with the support of my sister-in-law and a good friend who spent the day in the hospital with me).

Susan's post nails it. The time between diagnosis and treatment was tough for me. I didn't find Healing Well until after we had the pathology report when I came here for advice and support. If possible, have your wife speak to the doctor about her concerns (I did, and John's urologist was terrific in dealing with my concerns and fears).

No doubt about it that waiting is the hardest part. Have your wife stop by HW - there are plenty of wives here who can help her through this next phase.

Good luck with your surgery in September. We'll be here for you and your wife whenever you need us.

Thanks for eveyone's support and kind words. I had my wife read many of these post last night, It seemed to help somewhat. She does have two sisters and a brother who haven't been told yet. I have discussed this with her and she will be talking to them soon. I am hoping telling them will give her the mental support she needs.

cmetalman - good luck with this!

As others have said, communications is extremely important. I agree with those who have said it's better to communicate first, and only medicate if communication fails to improve things.

Some suggestions:

- Invite your wife to go with you to the doctor's apts with you so she can hear the info first hand, and ask questions.
- There are cancer support groups for spouses/partners of the patients. Look for one of those. Or bring her with you to a prostate cancer group.
- Invite her to post here about her concerns and questions. Many wives do. I think the process of engaging with a community of fellow sufferers and spouses is itself a very healing experience. It underscores the "you are not alone" message.

It's important for her to understand that with a gleason 6 with low PSA and apparently confined to the prostate, your chances are excellent. But it may be a lot easier for her to embrace that if she hears it from the doctor and others than if she hears it from you alone -- particularly if she thinks you might be inclined to downplay the seriousness of things.

At a more subtle level, it's worth noting that often in couples, one partner takes a role that the other doesn't take. For example, if "Spouse A" is all stoic about it, e.g. "I just gotta do what I gotta do" then "Spouse B" winds up expressing the anxiety for the both of them. Conversely, if "Spouse A" is paralyzed with anxiety or depression, then "Spouse B" often winds up being the driver in the couple, keeping hope up, pushing onward with the fact-finding, decision-making, and treatment. It's quite a common phenomenon. It might help a lot for the two of you to go see a couples counselor who has experience with serious illness and begin to explore what each of you are focusing on, and conversely what each of you may be downplaying in your own experience of this illness. This could be a rewarding experience in many ways.

best wishes; soon you will be past the surgery and the path report and things will probably get a lot easier.

cmetalman,

Lots of excellent posts here!

Like your wife, I too have extreme anxiety about all of this. I use my sleepless nights and anxiety as my fuel to research everything I can possible know about this beast called prostate cancer. Knowledge is my power and I want to do everything in my power to support my husband.

My husband and I are just beginning this journey and it has been a rough roller coaster ride, but I have been to every appointment with him and we talk about all the options.

I, too think about all the "what ifs" and how our situation is in fact a life changer...but at the end of the day, whatever the end result may be, as long as he still has life and is still my husband and my best friend, I have faith that all the other things will work themselves out.

Good luck!

Aimzee,

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

We are once again in a holding pattern with what appears to be an over inflated ego on his medical team.
Who knows perhaps he is right and the other two are wrong. These are the things that drive me crazy. :)