Todd,
Your intentions may be good, only you know them, but I found your post very offensive and degrading to me. Grant it, you are entitled to your opinions and views and I would never deny anyone their right of expression in free speech.
For starters, what was the cause of your original pain? What was the root? Was it in your mind, or physially something wrong in your body? That answer makes a big difference in your thinking and response.
I only had one doctor, and one doctor alone that using your words, "botched" things up. That was my radiaton oncologist. She should have never let me have the radiation on an empty bladder. When I started reporting physical burning pain on the 4th of 20th treatments, she should have stopped the treatments, investigated the reason for the pain, and then re-considered the method being used. I do not defend her, nor have I. She is being sued for medical malpractice, along with the radiation clinic. The wheels of justice for the victim run slow in the state of SC, and they passed unfair tort laws to make it hard for a victim to sue in this state, so its been slow going. My current legal team is expecting a settlement by spring of 2012 if all goes well.
So what other doctor's have botched things? My uro/surgeon was a saint with me and all the side issues. I have been dealing with a very aggressive PC strand from the start. He did a good surgery, but there was one positive margin, but I also had a lot of PNI going on. I saw him over 50 times post surgery. It was not his fault that my bladder neck kept scarring closed, that was an issue in my body. He helped me, he kept me out of as much pain as possible. He was, and still is, a very caring and compassionate doctor. So what did he botch?
My current oncologist is very sharp, and has my best interest in mind, and he is working extra hard to keep my pain undercontrol at all times. He calls me by phone often on his own, always answers e-mails quickly. Is it his fault that the SRT failed and I am now in the world of advanced PC with an agressive cancer?
I hate it when people generalize when they don't know or have the facts of a case at hand.
Then the rest of your post was really offensive. Do I like being on pain meds? Of course not, they don't make me feel high or good, at best, they cut the bulk of the pain on most days. There are days that I am just suffering in deep pain despite the meds. You are talking to a guy that hasn't even had a sip of beer in almost 40 years, and I do not use any drugs for recreational purposes. I only take what I need, literally as directed by my doctor. So that was an unkind accusation on your part.
My pain has been officially diagnosed as "Cancer Pain" - specifically severe and permament nerve damage caused by faulty radiation administration. It's not ever going to heal or get better. Has nothing to do with my mind or my thinking, its a hard core physical and medical fact. I challenge you or any other critic to live with this for a week, let alone for as long as I have. Doctor said it was some of the most severe nerve damage he had witnessed.
Death wish or martyrdom? Almost laughed at that, Todd. And that nonsense about
whispering things to me or fear? Perhaps in reality, you are expressing your own fears and troubles?
I have no fear with the PC in my life, none, zero. I resigned my heart and mind to it sometime ago. I am not afraid to die of PC or anything else. When it's my appointed time, I will die, regardless of any attitude or mind games. I am a realist. Yes, I could still get hit by a truck, struck my lightning, or have a sudden heart attack and die, but then again, if none of those absurds things happen, I may likley die of this cancer. You may not be in your life and with your case, but I am ok with that. We have little to do with how and when we die as a general rule. I am at complete peace with this thought, it's out of my hands. I don't sweat PSA tests, procedures, operations, etc.
I have been through living hell now the past 3 plus years, I have experienced the full spectrum of horrific side effects, pains and sufferings. All things considered, I think I have handled myself pretty well. My PC deck of cards has handed me out one crappy hand after the next after the next. I take it in stride, survive that hand, and move on to the next. Perhaps there is something you could learn from my experiences.
I am not in the blame game, like I have seen some here do (not saying you in particular, Todd, a general statement). When I was in the prime of my working career (prior to my dx), I got paid to think, and solve, and fix what needed fixing without blame, so I guess it rubs off in my personal life that way. I evaluate a new situation very fast, study the options, make my decisions, then execute them, then move on. This is what I have done at each juncture in this messed up PC journey.
And your final point, you have been led astray? By whom, Todd. All my doctors have kept me very well informed at every point in my journey, nothing was ever held back from me.
Somehow, I feel your post to me is more a reflection of how you feel about
your self, more than it is about
me.
I am ok, Todd. Other than the pain, which is legitimately being mostly controlled by meds, and the fact that my cancer is progressing faster and faster, I am doing fine. I am living my life the best I can under the circumstances. I am neither sad or happy, I tend to run neutral emotionally about
most things, but that is just how I am in real life. I never get real excited, or disapointed. I don't feel depressed or fearful for the future. My faith keeps all matters in check in my life, and that's good enough for me.
David in SC
(Todd chose to delete his lengthy post to me, the above is my response to his post, I feel my answers were appropriate to what was written to me)
Post Edited (Purgatory) : 12/28/2011 3:27:51 PM (GMT-7)