Wife Not Interested

This thread is from last August. -- PeterDisAbelard

It has been over 2 years since i had my prostatectomy and finally getting to the useful erection stage.But much to my disappointment my wife has lost interested in sex she said she still loves me very much
but she has just got used to the way things have been over the last 2.5 years.I know there is no one else
as we are so close in ever other way and are always together.Any one else had this problem i feel very down
at the moment.
Frustrated Rodger. [img]/community/emoticons/mad.gif[/img]

Post Edited By Moderator (PeterDisAbelard) : 4/23/2013 9:13:13 AM (GMT-6)

Roger, I can sense your frustration all the way over here!

Let me see if I can provide some female insight. Sex can be very different for women than it is for men. I believe your wife when she says she still loves you...as a woman, I can relate to her feelings of love for you even though there may be no physical demonstration of that love. After 2.5 years, it might be that your wife is just not feeling desirable...while the lack of intercourse was no one's fault, it may have just flipped a switch in her subconscious making her feel that the reason you weren't able to "get it up" had to do with her not being desirable enough to trigger a response in you.

It's often hard to accept that life has changed so much after prostate cancer surgery...my husband and I are in the same boat as you and your wife and are struggling with finding ways to rekindle the old spark. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he wants me, but it's just not the same...sometimes the thought of sex is just a reminder of what we went through 4.5 years ago when John was diagnosed.

Perhaps a different approach would help: you know, the old "wine and dine her", take her out dancing (which can be very sexy), a romantic weekend getaway, anything to let her know that she can still get your motor running.

I'm sure that what I'm saying here isn't of much help to you but I just wanted to let you know that there are many couples out there facing similar problems...another aspect of PCa that stinks.

Hugs.

My wife told me many years ago, when we were still in our late thirties or early forties, that she could live without sex. I have read enough that is not unusual amoung women. I have some male friends that have told me that their wives also have stopped their relationships.

Some how we continued to have relationships but not as often as I would like. But we still work it out, even now as I am not able to get an erection, I make sure she is satisfied, though I may or may not get there.

It is a difficult topic to discuss, my wife knows my frustration, but have been able to work around it. Keep the faith and try to develop some conversation and private time to re-establish some close physical time together!

Best of luck,

Keep the faith

NEO

That's rough and in my opinion requires some serious discussions amongst the two of you and perhaps some sessions with a counsellor.

Frankly as a male I find it selfish. I know that women and men often have different needs/requiirements, but i would be a hypocrite if I didn't consider it selfish for a partner to hold out on th eother and ignore his/her needs just because they weren't in the mood. I'm obviously talking about an extended/permanent period as all us married folks know that there ar eat least 2-3 times a week when both minds/desires don't meet. That's fine, but to force a partner to give up that aspect of a relationship is simply not fair and, again, in my opinion selfish.

It's also a recipe for disaster because sex is a huge part of a relationship.

My wife lost interest in sex after menopause, a year or 2 before my surgery, so when I had nerve bundles removed, the ED was not really an issue. Our relationship is as strong or stronger than it was the day we married. I know some of her friends are jealous that are relationship is so loving. The relationship is so strong on so many levels that the sex act is not missed because the hugging, kissing, and closeness are all still there. I understand that not all women are my wife, and all men are not me. Like everything else in a marriage, it's simply one more issue that must be worked out. Good luck. Talk about it until you've talked it to death, then let the relationship move closer.

Sephie, thank you! You pegged it.

Date nights are wonderful! It's not the same life for certain, but it surely helps fill a hugely missed void.

Being creative can resolve much.

While reading this thread I found myself getting pissed off and then sad. I was pissed to hear all women get clumped together under the umbrella of sex not being important. And then it was brought up that not ALL women can do without, but seems like most feel it is very common for women to give up sex. Almost sounds as of some of you are under the impression that sex on general is not important to women. Wow.... That is not the case with me. Sad, because sex is such a HUGE part of the enjoyment of life that it is hard to hear people just give up such a large part of themselves!

So, what is the answer to the question. Whew, If I had that answer I could be a millionaire. I can only speak as a married women who is dealing with sexual issues due to PCa. I honestly believe that there is a difference between intimacy and sex. They are not one in the same for me. There are nights when I am completely happy with intimacy, emotional closeness. Then there are other times when I crave the. Physical intimacy. You can have each separately or together. But if you have had both in your relationship it is most difficult if one gets taken away. I know, mentally, that michaels body just does not respond the way it used to, or the way we would like it to and there are times that my feelings are hurt and I take that personally. May even be easier to not have sex or attempt sex at all than to feel so hurt. But Michael and I are lucky. We have a very strong emotional bond/intimacy we keep trying and will continue to try because it is important to is BOTH. Of one of is gave up I am pretty sure we would persist. Small subtle things to rekindle the spark. Things to take the pressure off, try to make it less stressful and more fun

Don't give up.

Susan R.... THANK YOU!

At 50 years old, and newly married, I don't want to ever be clumped together with the group of those looking for an excuse.

Thanks again!

Neo...wasnt addressing it to you but the Original poster...I see nothing wrong with therapy if needed. after a long time without sex...maybe its more in the head than physical is all I was saying. One partner needing sex and the other not interested is a quick formula for divorce or infidelity...so why not a little therapy with the 2 of you...you never know it just might work.

James..I agree 100% about the viagra thing....no doubt that has probably caused a lot of marriage issues these days.

Hey English Roger,
I can almost feel the pain in your post. I imagine your voice quivering and it breaks my heart to hear it.
I think this situation is much more common than you can imagine. It's just that some people keep certain things inside their own 4 walls. So sad... So sad...
Jeff

Lump me in with the group of the disappointed. My diagnosis was the turning point, even before I had my surgery. Not just intimacy, but even any expression of affection. A kiss is just a peck, a hug, perfunctory, with no perceived warmth or passion.
I have chosen to not make an issue or argument, as I don't want stress her health. Indeed, I have ended attempts at affection to avoid disappointment.

Life in the household is otherwise normal and harmonious.

Needless to say, I am repressing a lot of emotion.

Interesting thread.  I am young and very nervous about my early stage ED after surgery.  My wife and I had a regular but not wild sex life prior to surgery. Once a week and more on vacations.  Always meant more to me than her.  When I was diagnosed we upped our intimacy hoping it would help post op.  I was very unrealistic post op thinking I would be one of those "eary risers".  Four months out I don't have usable erections.  It has depressed me but my wife just doesn't get the stress. She thinks I will be OK but as other stated above - if I couldn't perform again she could deal with it.  My anxiety over this issue is actually causing tension since she resents the mental energy I am giving to solving the ED.  I don't think that she really wants me to try injections which I am due to start next week.

I must admit that I will be bummed if I finally solve the ED thing and my wife then decides she not interested.  I don't see that happening but I will say that life can change after two years.  Sex in our married life always had momentum - the more we had it the more we enjoyed it.  The less we  had it the less we missed it.  I think that the 2.5 year void is a loss of momentum.  I think that with patience that the relationship could be revived.  I do think that ED, the shots, pills, dissappointments, all can take its toll but at age 59 sex should not be over unless both want it too.   I also agree - when one in the relationship is hot to trot then he/she will eventually find an outlet.   Good luck (to all ofus).

I don’t want to say the wrong thing and offend anyone, but this is a difficult subject at the best of times for many, so please nobody take offence.
Statistically a certain percentage of relationships will go wrong. Thus some guys/gals here will be in relationships that won’t last, and there will be all manner of reasons that they will fail. PCa and ED and low libido etc may have nothing to do with why a relationship fails, is failing.
And I’m not completely sure how to advise someone how to fix a problem, all I think I can do initially is make some suggestions about how to do your best to avoid problems.
Also, as I am someone who has had very little if any ED, I admit that I can’t and don’t fully understand and appreciate how it is for those suffering the frustrations and complications of ED etc. However, what is very important to bear in mind in relation to how it was for me is that I sure came out of surgery expecting to have ED and thus did the things I did in advance of knowing that I did not have 100% ED.

So what did I do after surgery? Well I decided to make sure my wife and I were as intimate as possible as often as possible, so that almost before the catheter we had “sex”, but that “sex” that didn’t involve an erection, or even a penis, or me reaching orgasm, but did involve my wife feeling what I will euphemistically describe as “content”. And that has been the way we have continued, but our sex life was never based around erections and intercourse, nor about the notion that anything other than a certain number of times per week was/is a problem . My erection turned up for use a few weeks after surgery, but it was never possible to use it the same way so we amended our sex life so that while it works most of the time there are fewer erections and less intercourse. And while HW is perhaps not the place to go into explicit details about the alternatives to intercourse, remember that the “use it or lose” expression should just as readily be applied to vaginas as penises.

Now, it may be the usual HW thing where only those for whom the problems is a major issue are posting, so I won’t draw too many conclusions. Maybe I’m lucky that my wife and I can clearly discuss sex without any bother and have never had trouble exploring “alternatives”, and it will be difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe we’re lucky to live in Holland where doctors have no bother talking to patients and their partners about sex, and we were told to keep at it. (The specialist cancer hospital where I have been treated is clearly aware that sex gets complicated with and after cancer, as it has its own specialist sex therapist, and even before surgery we were told we could contact them.) I’m certainly not an ideal husband, but I know that hand holding while walking or watching TV, or cuddling by the kitchen sink or other “softly softly” approach can work wonders.