Wife Not Interested

I have my story to tell. I'm a woman & I'm 59. My late husband had diabetes & was impotant. We lived with the situation for more than 15 years. After he died I decided that life was for living & have a super new man in my life. 6 months after we got together he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It looked as if my sex life was destined to be frustrated again.

After the long break of 15 years, I had got used to things. When I wanted sex I discovered that it was painful.

A patient man can work wonders & with the help of some vaginal cream all was well. When the cancer problem came up my mind switched into the same mode that it had with the diabetes problem.

My partner had brachytherapy. All though things are not as good as we would like, we are not teenagers & feel lucky to have our love.

Cuddles, tickles, small treats, all help to bring the magic back.

Rodger - YEA.... sounds like you had a wonderful conversation that was long over due.

Now its time for you to return the favor and treat like the Queen that she is.

Rodger, thank you for coming back and sharing the rest of the story. It proves that sexual intimacy and desire is multi-faceted, complex and very personal for the individual, and for the couple as well. Emerging shell-shocked from any life situation can certainly reorder personalities and comfort levels. I'm glad you were able to 'hear' her, and look how much better the end result is than if you had jumped to conclusions about age, lack of commitment, etc.

You two are so lucky to have each other!!

Juliet

Roger, my experience has been pretty consistent from before RALP to now, almost 8 months out.  I am fortunate in that my ED is probably considered minimal.  I can achieve about 80% naturally and 100% with 1/2 a viagra tablet.  My wife and I have always been on different pages when it comes to sex.  She could probably go months at a time without and I would be very happy at twice a week.   In our 20 plus years of marriage we have come to a compromise where we "schedule" it once a week.  Nothing is etched in stone, but at least it eliminates any frustration that may build.  Sometimes if she's not in the mood, I'll settle for another "treat" in lieu of intercourse.  It's a trade off where I'll give her a deep tissue massage and she'll give me a "massage".  This might not be romantic and might not appeal to some folks but it works for us.   I know that she loves me and I love her with all my heart (I even consider her my best friend) so I don't worry that her lack of interest is due to lack of love.  It's just that we're made differently. 

The other thing that works is "taking matters into my own hands".  If the feeling moves me, I do what I gotta do.  I consider this therapy to help blood flow

I know you've heard it many times before that marriage is work and compromise.  My suggestion to you is to talk it out until you find that compromise.

Good luck Roger,

Cepas

Wow Roger!
Thanks for being so frank and well done to both of you for being brave and tackling the elephant in the room.
Alf

A slightly different slant on this, if I may - I've had the same problem but for different reasons. In my case 'er indoors had the early menopause and started to lose interest in sex several years before I found out I had PCa. She'd still make the effort, but of course things could never be as spontaneous as we both used to like. Then, before I was diagnosed, I already had some degree of ED so I myself sometimes had no interest either. Once the diagnosis was made and I started Zoladex the ED became almost total , so now she gets left entirely in peace, lol !

I understand her reasons entirely and I don't complain -I couldn't do anything at the moment anyway - I'm just glad to have someone that still loves me and is here to support me as I start my real treatment. The only time it becomes at all awkward is when we are discussing treatment(s) with doctors and they say "this treatment may cause impotence" - she doesn't actually come out and say "so what ?" but her expression makes her thoughts obvious. I've had some very odd looks from doctors.......

John the CAMRA man

Rodger

A great thread - very gutsy of you my brother.

The conversation with your wife - that had to be the best thing for you two.

Too often we stupid males - ok this stupid male - forgets what my lady is going through. Thanks for reminding me

I do suggest you go back and take to heart what our sisters provided here, there just is no way we males can really understand what they are going through - and the things that they want.

You by brother have learned or been reminded of a a vital lesson, and thanks to you so have I.
But i know one thing i love and owe her so very much.

My suggestion - FLIRT!!

1. Flirting - Yes that is a good thing. It has been scientifically proven after dozens of rigid studies 8 times a day is the daily minimum requirement. However science has been unable to determine the specific times of day - though through diligent study the flirting must be spread out over the day. (ok I made up the scientifically proven part)

2. Flowers! - Yes! Frequently! When you go to the grocery store to get whatever pick up a nice assortment of flowers, bring then home and present to your lady - and flirt.

3. Tell her she has a nice a*s - Not really sure why this line works so well especially as I use it at least once a day . When I tell her, my lady still manages a blush and a "Ohhh Husband" as she struts about with a big smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes. (see how this works into the daily minimum requirement of flirting?)

4. When you go out anyplace - Hold her hand. ( again works into the daily minimum requirement of flirting)

5. Last thing before you two go to sleep - tell her that you love her , hug and kiss her. (yup works into the daily minimum requirement of flirting)

6. First thing in the morning when you are both awake - tell her that you love her, hug and kiss her. (yes - flirting - notice a trend here?)

7. Before you leave the house for anything - Give her a kiss and a hug and tell her you love her (ayup - flirting! we are on a roll!)

8. First thing when you return to the house - think about it - Right! Give her a kiss and a hug and tell her you love her (more flirting!)

Go for it brother! Bring a smile to your wife's face and a sparkle to her eyes.

Oh and the all important do or die - Toilet seat UP first. DOWN when done. Violation of this negates all the day(s) flirting.

HUGS!

Bud

(inappropriate remark removed - not consistent with the purpose of the forum - 142)

Post Edited By Moderator (142) : 8/29/2012 6:00:28 PM (GMT-6)

I fail to see any point in John R's post.  Why would someone take a thoughtful thread and insert a comment like that?

I forgot.....
As for the topic, I think this is a perfect place for this topic. I, for one, understand that I am posting on the internet, I am not ashamed of what I have posted, or what I will post in the future. My name is not hidden, I use it in my login name, and my email is listed on the profile. My husband is absolutely aware that I post here. When we were first diagnosed, I wish I would have been able to read about these personal topics and not just the technical medical stuff. That stuff ends up being fairly easy, it is all the extra life changing stuff that one doesnt expect and the DRs wont talk about, that need to be discussed. I think this is a fantastic site, and some of the best people share the deepest parts of their lives so that others can learn and feel comfortable. I have the utmost respect for each and every one of you!

It is my honor to share our life with you and that you share yours with me!
hugs,
Susan

Having an intimate relationship as you get older is not just a post PCa issue.  It is an issue that every loving couple faces.  It is complicated by the treatment for prostate cancer. I do not think there is an answer that will apply to every couple here. 

I have been lucky and what works for me might not work for you.  I am 71 years old and last Sunday my wife had her 70th birthday.  We celebrated by getting naked and pulling out the old bimix needle. ( I know you didn't want to hear that )  She and I have conciously tried to stay fit and tell each other how sexy we are.  We know we do not have the bodies we did 30 years ago, but they are all we have and we try to enjoy each other.

I know that is not always easy.  I have seen the death of relationships many times among our friends.  If it is important enough to you and your wife and you both try hard enough, it can happen. However, if one partner gives up it is time for a change. 

english roger....great to see you found the issue. I think we all will learn something from your experience....I know I will. Have a nice safe trip to thailand...nice country...I went there for a month when I was in the Army and we got a 4 day pass to Bangkok...what a blast that was. The food was awesome and I wont mention the other stuff we did...LOL ...but that was fun too.