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Wife not interested PART 2

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Posted 10/10/2012 10:46 AM (GMT 0)
Well we are back from our holiday end up going to Bali hotel resort on the beach very romantic.

Room service and food great nothing to complain about even had massages on the beach.

The scenery and the people were lovely really went on some great tours and had many romantic

dinners.But there is always a but nothing happened i never pushed the issue as you feel as you

are forcing some one to do something they really don't want to do i was just hoping she would want

me as a husband and show some love but no she showed no interest.Don't get me wrong apart from

from the non sex she is a great wife looks after me and the house faultlessly and the kids great mother. 

As for the holiday i was enjoying myself when all i was thinking maybe tonight she might show me she wants me

but no it was into bed and asleep.I lay there thinking this is not a marriage suppose to be and it really

hurts to feel your wife does not want you now expect for a friend i feel all i am now is a house mate.

It was never like this before i was DX with PC we had a great sex life but now it hurts so much to know your

wife doesn't want you sexually any more is it us as a couple or has love just gone is it the PC .

Why i'm posting this is to find out if other wives lost interest after their husband was DX with PC

one of our members from the local support group said his wife lost interest as she was afraid having

sex she was afraid she might catch cancer.

Rodger mad             

Posted 10/10/2012 11:17 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds like it's time to have another talk... Only this time it's your turn to express how you feel.

Nothing worse than lying in bed with your spouse and feeling like the loneliest man on the planet.
Posted 10/10/2012 12:25 PM (GMT 0)
Are you sure that she's NOT interested or is she just in fear of her expectations being too much for your performance limitations?

And I'm not sure how serious to take your situation when I hear this sort of statement.

Why i'm posting this is to find out if other wives lost interest after their husband was DX with PC

one of our members from the local support group said his wife lost interest as she was afraid having

sex she was afraid she might catch cancer.

Posted 10/10/2012 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
  golfnooch

You hit my feelings exactly that's how i feel one loses interest so we automatically are supposed

to do the same.I expected my wife to help in my rehabilitation with my ED problem as a loving

wife.I read some post at HW where the wives are so supportive i get very envious as i have to do

it myself.If having PC isn't bad enough dealing with it alone is so heart breaking when you have

a partner laying right next to you who could be so much help in trying to regain a erection again

so disappointed when i need her the much she doesn't seem to understand how important and

hurtful her non actions are. 

Rodger.

Posted 10/10/2012 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
Rodger, my heart truly goes out to you. I can understand the hurt, the isolation, the rejection, etc. I am a very normal guy, so I know how I would feel if I were in your situation.

Sounds like time for a professional counseler. That way, both sides, in a neutral environment, can express from the heart. Less likely for a fight to break out, and with the right counseler, all truths and feelings could be laid on the table.

If you feel your marriage is of the quality that it is worth saving, this would be a good step. If she refused to go, that would tell you something. Not being judgemental.

If she will not change or go to counseling, then only you will have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that you describe so sadly. Would you be happier in a sexless marriage, or would you be happier on your own, with the hopes of finding another sexual partner. Not telling you what to do or think, just talking out loud to you.

Wishing only the best things for you,

David
Posted 10/10/2012 2:23 PM (GMT 0)
Besides what I already shared in your other thread, the only thing I am willing to share in hopes of helping you Rodger is the following. When I was married to my first wife, there were times I was in the mood and she wasn't. And like you, I did not want to force anything when she felt that way. But there were many times, my wife offered to take care of me without expecting reciprocation during those times. We were both fine with that during those times. It is my opinion, that your wife should of at least have offered what I describe.

ps. David posted while I was and I agree with his post wholeheartedly. good post
Posted 10/10/2012 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
Star, thanks, and I agree with your post 100%

For many years, as my wife's sexual needs have decreased (mostly due to menopause), she has always been a good sport with my needs. We too, have a similar arrangement, though my interest has declined over time, she will always make time to satisify me in any number of ways, even if she isn't interested for her own needs.

Of course, I don't take advantage of that, she is often too tired from work, and I would never force her to participate. And there are times, that I am too sore with pain, even if she is willing.

In our relationship, we both know and understand each others needs, and we work as a team on that. Of course, our best times are when we are both interested at the same time. But, she understands that guys have extra needs, and again, she doesn't mind participating either in a quicky or some other sexual activity that doesn't require a full blown sexual intercourse session.

I appreciate that, and again, we do things as best friends and as a team. When I had my prostate surgery, it was suppose to be wide margins and full ED. In the end, right nerves were left damaged but intact, and I never had a day of ED, and still don't. Lucky. That's all I will say.

I still think my idea of somekind of counseling would be a good next step. And I do understand how crushed I would feel, if I traded places with him. Makes me thankful for what I do have.

David
Posted 10/10/2012 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
English Rodger
I am sure your story resonates with many men here. Thank you for raising the issue.
Sex is not just sex. After RP it is support. And it is intimacy - one of the biggest ingredients in a successful marriage.

Please work on this before disappointment turns into resentment.
You are brave to post this. I feel for you.

(I am also sure you would get some responses privately if you listed a throwaway email address.)
Jeff
Posted 10/10/2012 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
Glad to hear someone in the same boat as me! My wife said the same thing prior to my RRP..."I did not marry you for your D__K" ... its been 2 years and starting to get things back now without using injections, but she is not interested at all..we have had sex maybe 4 times in past 2 years...So i agree its tough to have a partner that you love decide for you that sex is no longer important to the marriage. But what are you going to do????
Posted 10/10/2012 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
get her some toys, introduce something new, cross some lines and break some taboos. Try to re-energize that aspect of your relationship.

These are the things we did during my rehab phase and we had a lot of fun with it. In fact, in many ways it allowed us to mature that aspect of our relationship.

I would never deny my wife any sexual urges/needs she has even if I wasn't in the mood. I bet most of us guys feel the same way.

Frankly I feel it's selfish for spouses to ignore the sexual needs of their partner. And although my wife and I have no issues with enjoying sex together, there are no doubt times when I feel like it and she doesn't. Sure we don't do it always when she's not in the mood, but after 20 years of marriage there have certainly been many times when we have had sex when she didn't feel like it and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just not that big a deal and asking for a "sexual favor" is nothing to be ashamed of.
Posted 10/10/2012 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
Unbelievable- these are loving wives?

If you can't find love at home, find it somewhere else.
Posted 10/10/2012 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
mjuke,

did you mean that in the literal sense? if so, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?

there's a big difference between being loved and having sex. there are all kinds of medical reasons where one or the other partner can't have sex or can no longer enjoy having sex. i would like to think a relationship is built on a whole lot more than just physical sex. i am an old school guy, and love is a forever thing for me, you know, the "in sickness, as in health" kind of person.

even if my wife and i could never have sex, for whatever reason, it would not change how i feel about her. nor would it ever make me think of straying in the marriage, or ending it over lack of sex. perhaps i read too much in your post, not sure.

david
Posted 10/10/2012 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
I'm in a similar situations although it is for a different reason. My wife suffers from a skin condition that causes her a lot of pain when having intercourse but she still goes along with my needs but not as frequently as we used to. However, her pain takes all the romance and fun out of it.
Posted 10/10/2012 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
David-

There was no mention of medical issues in the thread- these women have simply lost interest in having sex with their mates- sex is a huge part of love between a man and a woman- lots of ways to express that love even when intercourse is impossible- these men have basically been abandonded by their wives.
I would not put up with it.
Posted 10/10/2012 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
Mjluke:

You are entitled to your opinion.

When we got married we promised to be faithful. We didn't promise to be faithful only under certain conditions.

Each to his own, I guess.

This might be the most poignant, honest thread I have ever seen on HW!

Mel

Posted 10/10/2012 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
i don't think anyone is faithful. Are you faithful if you think of someone else? Desire someone else?

I'm with Mjluke. If a wife stops "servicing" her husband he's going to have to find it somewhere else. Same if a husband stops "servicing" his wife. In my opinion, at my age of course, sex is at least 70% of a relationship. that's also why we freak out when we discover we might lose sexual function. we worry it will severely impact our relatonship.

And yes, there is a difference between making love and just having sex. But I'd argue that they are equally important.
Posted 10/10/2012 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Great thread! how about someone starting a survey question in regards to this topic and see the opinions/percentages......
Posted 10/10/2012 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Compiler:

Read Rogers opening post- you can feel the loneliness and desperation in his words- being faithful means a lot more than just being there- in my opinion-
Posted 10/10/2012 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
davidg and mjuke, if you two both really feel the way you express, over the absolute value of sex within a marriage, i feel sorry for both of you.

of course, you are both entitled to feel and believe as you please.

if you are both married, and i know davidg is, would you like your wife to read your post and feelings on the subject?

david in sc
Posted 10/10/2012 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
not only does my wife know how I feel, she feels the same way. We are not all alike, David, that's what's great. I've been married 20 years and been living with my wife since I was a freshman in college and plan on growing old with her health permitting. But we like sex, don't have to associate it with "love", and both consider it extremely important in a relationship. No need to feel sorry for either of us, that would be pretty judgmental.
Posted 10/10/2012 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
David:

Don't feel sorry for me- its Roger you should feel sorry for- and you should hope that his wife reads the thread-
Posted 10/10/2012 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
A woman's sexual needs are different from a man's, that's a given. A woman's needs are more complex. Age and biology also seem to have a greater impact upon a woman's sexual desire than on a man. But here circumstances are different. A man who has undergone RP has for the most part lost his "manhood," and the healing process is more than just his body mending, it involves an emotional and psychological element as well. This is where a loving wife is important. Can she not allow a little leeway to her husband who has gone through so much physical, emotional, and psychological trauma? Can she not soothe and comfort her man who has lost so much of his manhood? Is there no sympathy? The terms selfish and ego-centric readily come to mind.
Posted 10/10/2012 10:01 PM (GMT 0)
On the Fence-

You have said it all my friend-
Posted 10/10/2012 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
onthefence: While I agree with most of your posting, I think that your second sentence is wrong and unhelpful. It is a truism that sex is less complicated for men than for women, but it's not true. For women, for the most part, sex is sex and love is love and the two can be separated. It is men for whom the concepts are all tangled up together so that when we lose our ability to have sex we feel cut off forever from romantic love. We feel unmanly, unlovable and alone despite our wives efforts to tell us that sex doesn't matter and that they still love us. They are not being selfish or ego-centric; they just don't understand why being told that love is more important than sex makes us feel old and alone and unloved.
Posted 10/10/2012 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
I know that if my wife had surgery on her, let's say, "shoulder", and massage therapy was a big part of the recovery, I would massage her shoulder until my hands felt like they were going to fall off. That is love.

In Part 1 of this thread about a month ago you said you spoke to her about this issue and expressed how important is was to you. I thought it was resolved. I do know that on top of your recovery, you are hurting and that is sad. Are you so good at hiding disappointment that she does not see it?

Either she is totally oblivious or does not care. I do not know which is worse....

Have you tried scheduling a weekly sex date night? Yes, the spontaneity will be gone, but so will the excuses for both of you not following through.
Jeff
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