Wife not interested PART 2

davidg: the "us" part was not directed to your wife, look at what i wrote, i plainly stated that my answer was to you personaly and to mjuke. no remark was made to your wife.

so are you saying, then if you could never have sex, your wife would leave you? your answer sounded confusing to me.

my real point, was in the bounds of marriage, if sex can't be performed by one or the other partner, regardless of the reason, it shouldn't nulify the terms and bounds of the marriage. unless i am really missing something here
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as far as our friend, english rodger, i think we have all been here for him, both in this new thread and his previous one on the subject. i think my advice about seeking counseling is valid and sound, if that is what it takes to make things right and save this long marriage.

as a man, i certainly feel his pain, sense of rejection, loneliness, etc. i wouldn't be human if i couldn't relate to him. but if both sides are willing, and it takes both sides, its still a fixable situation in my opinion.

i have been married for nearly 38 1/2 years, and i couldnt comprehend starting all over again, regardless of the reason. i would fight to save my marriage, at all costs, if something seriously went wrong. that's not being judgmental, thats just me being me

i hope from the heart, rodger, of you are reading this and the other posts, that you and your wife find a happy solution to this problem.

david in sc

Oh an David your posts are spot-on...Very very thoughtful posts and heartfelt advice.

It may not just be about the sex. Intimacy, on a decline anyway, ended with my diagnosis. Not only that, but so did physical expressions of affection. No kisses, no hugs, no caresses, nothing. My attempted advances for intimacy were ignored or rebuffed. Kisses and hugs during the day were endured and ended as soon as possible. Valentines Day, with dinner and flowers resulted in nothing.

I quit attempting - to avoid the disappointment.

I haven't had the confrontation - I didn't want to inject the additional conflict into the situation, for fear that it might spill over to the rest of the family.

I don't want to shame or guilt-trip her into doing anything, and I don't want pity.

As for me, a little affection goes a long way, and makes up for a lot of shortcomings in other areas. When you have no affection, it becomes more difficult to overlook otherwise minor irritations or behaviors.

I wonder when my shortcomings will no longer be covered by affection.

davidg said...
Have you expressed these feelings or some of them to her without being confrontational? I think it's possible.

I'm afraid that if anything comes out, everything will come out.

davidg: let's make this clear, i am not all saying that good sex isn't an important factor within marriage. it is of course, but what i am saying, that it would never be the deciding factor for me. i am in love for love's sake, and to me, that is eternal.

if my wife couldn't for any legitimate medical or physical reason, i would be there for her. if things changed for some emotional or mental reason, i would be there for her.

we are in it for the long haul. i have known that since our first date, and the vows we made back in 1974 were for keeps, even though i was 21 and she had just turned 18.

i hope that rodger finds a breakthrough, and a solution, to this heart wrenching and emotional situation. i wish there were some way, for some of the good women of HW PC to reach out and talk to his wife.

david in sc

David, I understand and appreciate that.

I didn't mean for legit medical reasons. After giving birth the first time my wife had some issues that mad sex uncomfortable and it certainly changed our patterns for a few years and no grudges were kept. It certainly wasn't nice to have sex when it wasn't physically enjoyable or caused discomfort and "pain". But here I'm talking about partners tuning out emotionally and ignoring the needs, physical and emotional, of their partners. And I would certainly exhaust the issue through communication before doing anything. But I definitely think it requires absolute communication.

English Roger,
In your profile you said ED was 100%, now no problem. I know when my husband was having ED problems, I never initiated sex because I didn't want to put any additional pressure on him. Possibly you should be the one to initiate. Possibly your erections are different for her now. Maybe your non-actions are hurtful to her as well. Why not just ask her straight out. I'm a big believer of counseling - it certainly can't hurt.

My husband lost his ability to have an erection when I was 56 years old. Never, in my wildest dreams, have I ever thought about going outside of our marriage. Having been married for 40 years to the love of my life would make it impossible to have those thoughts, especially because he has been a wonderful husband, father and friend. He didn't ask for this horrid disease. I would never add the additional pressure and stress to his life by going outside our marriage for sex. I think he would be hurt and devastated thinking that our marriage was shallow all these years. Yes, I do miss sex a great deal, but it's a small price to pay compared to what he has to experience on a daily basis. An erection doesn't make the man.
I know many men walking around with permanent erections all day long that don't impress me.

We had many wonderful years together sexually and enjoyed every moment. Now life is just different. My love for him isn't based on him having an erection, it's based on who he is on the inside, something we will never let Pca take away from us.

Purgatory - you're spot on.

Zimac
Age 60, Dx'd 56 -2008, PSA 6.4
12/2008-open RP, nerve sparing
Path: Gleason - 4+3, clear margins
1/2009 - Bone Mets
7/2009 - Lupron, Zometa
3/11 - Lung Mets confirmed
11/11 - Zytiga, not effective
4/12 - Taxotere, PSA 23
Failed Taxotere
7/23 - starting monoclonal antibody therapy (clinical trial)
7/31/12 PSA - 41.9
8/21/12 PSA 6.3
8/29/12 PSA 7.9
9/18/12 PSA 5.99
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Zimac

What a lovely post i feel very much the same the guilt i would feel

and the hurt it would cause to my wife kids and the guilt i would

feel is just not worth it.We will battle on and try to find a happy

solution thank you for all the posts very very much appreciated.

Rodger.

David,
You are a warm, compassionate, and loving husband. You and your wife are both blessed in ways some people won't ever understand.

I'm fortunate to be married to a man who has the same incredible values you have.

You are an inspiration to many.

Zimac

And we can't talk about politics and religion. What a gyp!!

I have read and followed this thread like the previous one. And I realized something, something my husband and I talked about last night.
When this PCa journey began 10 years ago, I was of course 10 years younger. Sex became infrequent because of the surgery and finally has just not returned. A few years ago if I had read this thread, i would have said I did miss sex. Now I realize I do not. Whether it is because I am finally menopausal or not, I just don't. So in a way now I mirror my husband's noninclinations.
That being said, we couldn't be more close this days, more loving. We have our little nightly routines and have added to that lately - a little dance with a little offkilter humming.
I totally agree with Zimac and Purgatory in what they said. I am in this marriage for the long haul. I look at him every day and am grateful to have him. He does the same. We say we love each other every day.
This is the value to me of HW: to read these threads and realize some things and talk about those things with my husband. It's helped with even more sharing and communication.

I’ve always looked at sex in marriage to be like “dessert.” To have a happy and HEALTHY marriage ya gotta like the main course more.

Who doesn’t like pecan pie fresh out of the oven with some French vanilla ice-cream? Yum Yum… You sure couldn’t survive if that’s all you had to eat.

I bet I can speak for Roger here, and a lot of other people. Love making is as much about “Giving” as it is receiving… if not more. I can feel Rogers pain knowing that his wife doesn’t want what he has to give….

He’s going to have to talk to her and ask why… He’ll need to be prepared to maybe not like the answers. The answers could include things like she’s getting her love and affection from somebody else. (fingers crossed that this isn't an issue)

I personally would rather get it all out in the open than suffer in silence. Been there done that.

(edit to fix at least one typo)

Post Edited (Steve n Dallas) : 10/11/2012 7:08:24 AM (GMT-6)

So davidg, what you're saying is that if your penis falls off you're certain your wife will leave you? That's sad....

Try to picture a constant state of hangover combined with a bad case of diarrahea, running a fever all day long - and you haven't slept in months.

Would you feel like giving your wife what she wants?

I was doing a bit of an over exaggeration...but you you get the general jest of what having no lobido would be like... In other words, there are two people involved here...