How can I best support?

You all have helped calm my nerves quite a bit. My husband's first appointment with a uro is Tuesday. I'll know more by then, but let me ask you what was it that your partner did to help you the most. I know everyone is different, but what helped you/is helping you to get through it easier? Thanks!

To save her a million questions from people who didn't read her previous thread, it is here:

www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=2723859&g=2723940#m2723940

DJtimewilltell,

There isn't really much specific you can do to help him at this point. He'll be more nervous than he lets on. Keep him busy. Keep him company. Having someone around for whom one can pretend to be calm does help.

Later, once you know what you guys are up against, there may be specific things you can help with.

Thanks for posting that link!

I'm more into being calm most of the time, but would still let him know periodically how concerned you are. Really hard not to at times. That's not a real answer, because it is so individual. Where we are in our journey, he seems to need me to handle the medical stuff; but at the beginning of our journey, he did most of the "strength" thing. We still had kids at home and I had lots of responsibilities family wise.

Hugs and kisses. Thats what counts.

When I was dxd, my wife had just undergone a double masectomy for her second bout of breast cancer and was about to start chemo and radiation. Guess who supported whom? It was clear that she needed my support more than I needed hers. I was strengthened in direct relation to what I was doing for her. I think there is a lesson there.

My wife was there with me to be a second set of ears. When you are being talked to by a doctor about cancer you have, you are so upset, you don't always hear everything he says. My wife listened, took notes and sometimes made a video with her phone what was said.
When we discussed surgery with my uro, my wife was the one who asked my uro, "If it were you, what would you do?" That question got us the name of the surgeon we eventually used.

Right now, when I am on my pity pot, she keeps telling me to be greatful I have had a successful surgery.

This all made me feel that we were in this together.

Good luck Tuesday.

Bill from Florida

I go to all of his appointments, take notes, hug, and cry with him. I will say this about this journey: we have learned to really communicate. Not saying it is smooth all the time, we are only human, but we are stronger for this awful thing. Wish we could have achieved this another way but it's true.
Just be there for him with a hug, a kiss, a pep talk, or a good cry.

I have not been to one yet myself, but understand there are groups called GFMPH (Good For Men's Prostate Health) where members of this forum meet for example at WorriedGuy's compound in Rochester NY last few days of September that includes breakout sessions for spouses.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=GFMPH

If you put GFMPH in search engine on this forum, there are several threads. Here's one

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=2715340

IMO, talking to someone is person and making those relationships would best answer your question.

My spouse and I plan to attend Rochester this Sept, Orlando next April (Sonny3 hosting) and hopefully the cruise out of New Orleans first week of December.

InTheShop: Andrew...you sound just like my husband!!! That really helps! Thanks

dj, i'm going thu pretty much the same thing now elevated psa and asymmetrical prostate I didn't think it was a big deal until the visit to the urologist (I've always been in great shape and very active so i thought my internist was just being overcautious) so the wait to see him wasn't bad but after he talked to me and ordered more tests is when I got concerned and started researching and found this site it really helped to be informed and to know others have gone thru the same thing. but to answer your question I've tried to not talk about it with my wife for now but it's huge that she is with me at every appt. I don't think I could do it alone. so just being with him is more than you can know. good-luck

You already received a lot of great suggestions!

My husband is not one to talk about his feelings regarding the beast much. So, I became entrenched in researching. He wanted to hear all about whatever I had learned, so I knew it was okay to talk about that.

For my concerns and fears, I turned to my best girlfriend. She listened and being a cancer survivor herself, it really helps me. She can relate and understands from my husband's perspective. I know how scared it makes me feel, so I can't begin to imagine how scared it makes him feel.

With time, my husband did finally begin to share his fears and concerns with me.

about two weeks ago, he opened up to total strangers who became immediate friends at GFMPH in Baton Rouge! So, he is a wonderful work in progress on all fronts.

I go to all of his appointments with recorder in hand, and a list of questions that I text to myself, as I think of them.

I also went with him every day to radiation, just to be moral support. I built lots of puzzles at M.D. Anderson while he was going through radiation. And much like prostate cancer, the puzzles invariably had at least one piece missing to complete the whole picture.

I ended up donating several puzzles to MDA, so the other ladies sitting in the waiting room could walk away with a completed puzzle when their husband completed treatment.

But, I digress... Just stand beside him and let him know that you are there whether he wants to talk about it or just to sit in silence together.

Quite possibly the most meaningful compliment I will ever receive in my life, is when my husband tells me that he could have never gotten this far without me.

Just take baby steps and lean on your other best friend when you need to.
Or, you can email any of us and lean on us too. :)

my husband had a robotic prostatectomy courtesy of MD Anderson in their affiliate hospital in Metairie, LA on 12-12-12. he just started hormone therapy yesterday. it will be followed by radiation late summer. this journey has been taxing. i have found that in our case it is best if i dont talk about it so much. just be there. i go to every single appt. even when he says 'you dont have to' i go... i am the talker in the family the researcher... the one who looks up everything online. i look it up tell him about it and he doesnt have to look it up himself. just be there. be the rock.
i did a ton of research found the the best pads, found the best diet. as of mid may 2012 he is back to good except for ED. he is just beginning to get natural erections to some degree. we do alot of pump therapy and periodic viagra. getting there for sure. now that we have started the Lupron that is on hold but we are hopeful that the nerves are waking up nonetheless. feel free to email me anytime. i no more about this disease than i ever wanted to know and more than most average individuals. welcome to the site, sorry you are here. it will be fine, God willing. I was scared to death at first. now it is a way of life. You guys will be fine.


age: 56
PSA 5.7
G7 -- 4+3
Robotic Prostatectomy with node dissection that tested clear of cancer and nerve sparing - 12-12-12
Gleason upgraded to 8
Clean Margins, 13 nodes taken one node showed 5% abnormal cells.
psa at 6 weeks post op .1
psa at 9 weeks post op .1
psa at 11 weeks post op .1
psa at 15 weeks post op .2
started Lupron May 9, 2013
headed for radiation