Do you live alone and deal with PCa by yourself?

As promised in another thread, I am opening a discussion here on the special situation of men with PCa who are pretty much on their own, more or less living alone, in dealing and living with it, with no wife, partner, children, etc., there to help them. Those of us who are truly on our own.

I don't recall a similar thread on this topic, so maybe it's a good one for discussion. However, I'm not really sure just how much activity such a thread as this is going to generate, as I get the definite impression that most of the regulars here are married, with their spouses at their sides, fully supporting them, and with no reason to participate.

But I also know that there are at least a few of us "alone guys" here, so maybe this thread can offer a chance for us "alone guys" to vent a little bit about our "special situation."

My own participation in this kind of HW PC Alone Guys Auxiliary, as it were, started, as I've mentioned in other threads, in April 2011, when my own dear wife of 39 years, Marilyn, died suddenly at home of a cardiac arrest. Nothing could be done for her. The EMS team arrived a few minutes after the call to 911, but it was too late. She was gone. A nightmarish experience, the very worst one of my life.

Then a couple of months later I began experiencing BPH symptoms, which eventually led to a TURP in July 2011, and then a PCa diagnosis in December of that year. IMRT followed in Spring-Summer 2012.

So the PCa experience from the beginning for me was a solitary one, as my wife had already passed months earlier. It's true that I have had my two fine sons who have been there every step of the way on my PCa trip so far, so technically I have not been completely alone, but not having Marilyn with me at the treatments, appointments, etc., has made it clear to me that, ultimately, I really am alone in this.

So what are some of the "alone guy issues" that have stood out to me personally so far? Things like:

O knowing that I have to make every decision on my own, do all the research myself re my treatment, etc.
O take care of all the paperwork (insurance, etc.) myself
O handle all communications with relatives and others myself
O shop for whatever I need myself
O wondering what, if anything, to do for a social life again, if any
O all the other issues of living alone, in general

And last but not least:

O dealing with the memories of her (especially late at night) (painful)

So what's it like for you, you other guys, who are living and facing this thing on your own? Is there something that you are thinking of that you would like to mention and add to this conversation? Something to know that you think might be of value to others? What's it like for you?

But really this topic isn't restricted to just us guys in this category. The rest of you, please weigh in with any thoughts you may have, married or partnered or not, or advice you think you can give, on how to face the beast alone.

I hope a good discussion and some good ideas come from this.

Here - no wife/ex, no kids.

If it gets done it is because I do it. Been that way all along.

142 said...
Here - no wife/ex, no kids.

If it gets done it is because I do it. Been that way all along.

Ditto... No big deal either.

Have a sister that's been there for the we won't work on you unless you bring someone to drive you home.

hi 81,
Just wanted to say that my dad is married, but mom refuses to talk about his disease. She lives in sort-of denial. She says " I don´t want to make him upset" but then refuses to talk to me about it, which makes me think she does not want to make herself upset. He does everything by himself that is related to his disease. She has no clear understanding, despite being intelligent and educated, what his disease means. At times I think it is not so bad, and he is OK as he can talk about it with me, but on the other days I sense that he would want to share at least something with her, but he cannot. Oh well. There are cases like this, too.

Regarding social life, please do what you have always wanted to do, opportunities are countless. The best way to meet people is through your own passion. My own passion is singing, and wherever I am, I join choirs. There are people in there that are very old, have been there for decades, and are laughing, joking together, going on trips together, all while doing something they love.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, even when you could do it alone. I realize you do not want to burden your children, on the other hand, there is some danger in them totally underestimating (or overestimating) your real needs if visitation or communication is not regular. Find your support network - that includes your children, but is larger. Take them out for lunch. Sort of like business networking, but for personal purpose. They should be people who you could count on for different things. This is almost essential if you are living alone. And of course, with HW, you are really never alone. :)

Such excellent advice!

Well, of course, this is HW PC, where excellent advice is the standard!

compiler - you're entirely right about the unpredictability of life. Anytime any of us drives a car somewhere, or takes a plan ride, anything can happen. All we can do is live our lives the way we think we should, and accept as best we can what fate deals us.

SpecialLady - Excellent, thoughtful suggestions. Yes, I have considered a number of the very things you talked about, even approached doing a few of them, so don't worry, I have things in mind to do if I feel the need to pursue them.

bigal - you said "... Marilyn sounds like she was a wonderful person and I'm sure you miss her beyond what any of us can comprehend." Amen, amen to that! When she died three years ago I was completely unsure how I was going to be able to go on, she had become such an inseparable part of my life. Our sons were very helpful to me then, but had their own grief issues, as they had just lost their mom. At her funeral and beyond I was given all kinds of well-meaning advice by many well-intentioned people on how to handle it. The best and most lasting advice I ever got looking back now was simply: "You never get over it but it does get better." A simple phrase, but I have found that it turned out to be very true. I also found your idea about making contacts available among men and women who have had cancer or are now in the cancer experience to be very intriguing, and one that would indeed work for a lot of people. As for me, I'm just letting things unfold as they are going to do now, and if something more happens in my life at this point, then so be it!

But there is certainly a constant here that was mentioned: this forum is a most excellent resource for advice and support, and participating in it is such a benefit to all of us!

Yes, most excellent advice so far, exactly what I expected from all of you!

81,

I reckon it would be difficult to walk this journey without my wife of 36 years. Not having her with me would be devastating. She does not talk much about it and in the beginning was a bit distant. Things have changed since she now accompanies me to our local PCa support group. Having had a chat with the other wives (or significant other) has made a big difference.

Blessings to you 81; I'll put a gold star next to your name on my daily prayer list. Take care!
.

Hi 81,
I really don't know how someone goes through this alone. As you make all the tough decisions on your own and take care of your own care and appointments, please know that even though not physically there for you, there are so many of us pulling for every member here on healingwell. My husband who was diagnosed on April 1 with PCa says all the time how he doesn't think he could do this on his own. It is a lot. A lot to take in at appointments and treatments. I do feel for you. I am sorry that you lost your wife so suddenly. Please reach out to someone for help physically when needed. I am not sure where you are, but find a cancer center and ask for what you need. I will keep pulling for you.
Deanna

You can count me in also on the "Alone" group. I thank the powers in the sky for HW. I was a little lucky at DX though. I had just become a "Full Timer" , bought and moved in to a coach. Was basically starting my life over and thought I should get my physical done before departure. BAM! Got the DX. Was planning on going through surgery alone with the help of visiting nurses. But my Ex would not let me. She talked me in to putting the coach in storage and moving in as a guest in to her house, where she took care of me until I could move back in the coach.

Thank goodness for HW also. With the help and support of HW, I basically handled everything else on my own. 3 years later, I have gone through several girl friends and consider myself lucky to have had chances at a relationship. I have also had a few possibles turn and run as soon as I informed them of my situation with PCa. Man, does that sting! I get so mad when I hear of those in long term relationships getting dumped at DX. What a horrible time to find out your partner's selfishness. But maybe better to find out and get on with life. Maybe...

I have to admit, it sucks for me being alone. All my life, I looked forward to having the perfect wife and family. Well, I am still looking for her. And now with surgery SE's, it's just a little harder.

So let's see if I can find something positive about being alone on this journey and hopefully some of the "alone" guys can relate.
1. I don't have to justify my treatment (or lack of) decisions.
2. I am free to date if I want to.
3. I don't have anyone depending on me for financial support.
4. I don't really have to be concerned about the well being of someone if things go bad for me.
5. I don't have to feel bad about making someone else sad about my situation.
6.