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How to handle relatives who thrive on medical dramas?

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Posted 10/25/2014 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
As I've posted, after an downgrade in Gleason to a little bit of 7, I'm probably going for robotic surgery in February. There has been something I've been struggling with and perhaps some of you will have advice. Maybe some of you have had a similar experience.

The issue is my mother. While she will have genuine concern and worry for me, she will also make this "her issue" and use it to garner sympathy from any relative/acquaintance with a telephone. She will also make my situation a big issue in the small church she attends. Any personal medical-related problem that someone confides to her becomes broadcast news - she's told me intimate details many things regarding other people's issues that I have no right to hear. In other words, my mother thrives on the drama of other people's medical issues.

So to make a long story short, I don't want to tell her about the surgery until the operation is done. When I wake up I only want to see my immediate family and perhaps my brother. I don't want to wake up to a "family reunion". I also probably can't tell my sister as she also can't keep such things secret.

The thing is that my mother will be terribly hurt that she was not included regarding my situation. Any of you go through something similar?
Posted 10/25/2014 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Have you ever had a long heart to heart talk with good ol mom? Unless someone gets in her face she might not ever quit.
Posted 10/25/2014 2:33 PM (GMT 0)

Steve n Dallas said...
Have you ever had a long heart to heart talk with good ol mom? Unless someone gets in her face she might not ever quit.

I've told her when she is telling personal details of other people's issues that I have no right to hear such things. She tells me that she is only telling me "in confidence because she knows I won't say anything" and not to tell anyone else. However, that's what she says to everyone. I've had serious discussions about her not respecting other people's privacy. She cannot see it and becomes extremely upset - usually the waterworks get started. She does not have that much going on in her life and the urge to be the short-term center of attention is stronger than she is. Unfortunately at 82 she is not going to change.
Posted 10/25/2014 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
It is quite common for people to do this as it gives them some measure of control. Being an insider.

I am totally a victim of this. It seems every woman remotely related to our circle is aware of every detail.

Probably we are all vistims to this.

Pretty much SOP dont think there is a solution but to channel it out of your brain.

Its kinda annoying with this disease because most everyone knows it has serious side effects that are super intimate.
Posted 10/25/2014 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
Well, your mother sounds a lot like my mother. I hate to say it but I am almost glad mom passed away from cancer before I was DX. I was the baby in the family and she would have taken it all on herself.

I agree with your plan but the only thing I can add is, What if mom finds out from someone else? How will she react?

I would keep her in the loop but with as little info as possible. Maybe you could have the family reunion at home after you come home from the hospital.

Bill from Florida cool
Posted 10/25/2014 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
The mother son relationship is a complicated one, tho probably not any more so than any relationship.
Except the mother/father son/daughter on. That is so tightly bound in blood and spirit, as to make it a particularly difficult one. The spirit aspect must be the dominate one tho as it is the one that binds strongest. I have come to believe actually it is the only one that counts. Blood is thicker than water it is said, but water gives true life and does not coagulate and become a blocking element. Use the spirit in yourself and give her unconditional love. We must love others as we find them. With patience and time, they may discover that truth themselves. But if not, you must be strong enough in spirit to let it not change who you are. Be yourself. Its difficult but "nobody said life was easy", in spite of the quotation marks. I know exactly what you are dealing with and I suspect we all have stories similar to yours with family members. Its a tough nut to crack. I have found " good old talks " do little when dealing with this type of personality, but it won't make it any worse and could solve the problem. Bottom line, dismiss manipulating emotional outbursts…to yourself…and gently.
Posted 10/25/2014 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
If you are trying to keep your surgery a close-kept secret for any important reason -- public knowledge might harm your business being a common example -- then you can't tell your mom because she can't keep a secret. If, on the other hand, you are OK with people knowing the bare facts of the matter -- that you are having a very common surgery for prostate cancer and you and your doctors expect a full recovery -- but you don't want it blown out of proportion, then you can safely tell her those bare facts.

Friends, family members, and the people at her church will recognize the drama queen aspect and allow for it. You won't wake up to a candlelight vigil in your hospital room. You'll just get a lot of cards.
Posted 10/25/2014 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Logo´s advice is a pretty good one. You will not be able to change her, so it all boils down to you accepting her as she is. You may be at a time in life where this behavior particularly bothers you, but your "rebellion" may create only more issues. And in the end you may even get blamed for it, which you do not need as you are recoverying from surgery. You have to handle it the right way. So say to her with confidence but calmly what you want. You do not even have to explain why, as it may open up new discussions. Sorry that you have to go through this, but world and relationships are comlex and we just gotta do the best we can.
Posted 10/25/2014 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
I send out medical updates via email to a group of family and close friends. I do this about 3 times a year, generally when an event occurs (like a good PSA result... or the opposite).

I do not get too specific as the recipients vary in their knowledge of PC. I do not dramatize it and I try to keep it positive and low key. By doing this, there are no rumors or behind-the-back issues.

I like it this way

Mel
Posted 10/26/2014 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
My mom died two weeks before my biopsy. I'm not happy that I lost her, but I'm glad she never knew and she never got to be the drama queen there, which she would have been.

I met with someone this past week to talk about ED recovery. He works in the same building with my wife, but had told no one at work about his diagnosis. Only his wife, his doc, and our local support group know about his diagnosis. I'm not telling my wife about him at his request, even though I know they know each other.

I've been fairly open with friends, family, Internet, etc. I try to help people in our local support group when I can.

But, ultimately, we all need to decide this on our own. Good luck with your choice. It's your life and you need to do what's best for you and your family. If you need some privacy, please give that to yourself. This stuff is hard enough on its own.
Posted 10/26/2014 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
Tough when it is your mother. . . To nip this in the bud, we set up a caringbridge.org account and simply told our close friends and family that we were limiting TALKING about the medical details. If they wanted, they could log in to Nick's account where we would regularly post updates (which we do). Our family knows our rule: no more than 10% of ANY conversation may be about health-related issues. We enforce it--mostly laughingly and move on.

Like most of us, your mom is doing the best she can. And you are right, she is not going to change. Give her the broad strokes--don't feed her fire with details. Assuming she doesn't do an internet search, you may be able to walk the line between the truth and privacy.

Good luck.
Posted 10/26/2014 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Be grateful she loves you and cares so much a lot of us battling alone would swap with you.
tony w nono
Posted 10/26/2014 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
My Uro told me about one of his patients or someone else's patient (no names of course) who did not tell his wife that he was going to have a RRP (Da Vinci). The patient told his wife that he and his brother were going fishing for a few days. Two days after the operation he went home and surprised his wife! The poor woman ...
Posted 10/26/2014 3:14 PM (GMT 0)

tony w said...
Be grateful she loves you and cares so much a lot of us battling alone would swap with you.
tony w nono

I am grateful for the part that comes from genuine love and caring from my mother. I understand where you are coming from but remember I'm just asking for advice, I'm not saying that I wish she were not here. Just because someone loves you does not mean that you automatically accept all their actions or shouldn't ask for advice on how to handle a situation. My mother, despite her best efforts, has a way of bringing me down when I'm in a vulnerable situation. Part of it is that she belongs to a very fundamentalist church and these types of situations appear to be an opportunity to send subtle and not so subtle messages that I "need to find my way back to the Lord" and perhaps even that my illness is even a message from the Lord. (I do have a strong sense of spirituality but I see things much differently than what I consider the narrow focus of her church.) Then as I mentioned, nothing she learns will be private. I've heard from my mother about every family member, friend or people I don't even know regarding their bowel problems, miscarriage, incontinence, impotence and you name it. I'm a very private person and there are people who go to her church that I've know since being a teenager.

That all being said I have decided that I will have to tell her about my upcoming surgery and will just have to try to limit how much personal information I share.
Posted 10/26/2014 5:12 PM (GMT 0)

You said...
I've heard from my mother about every family member, friend or people I don't even know regarding their bowel problems, miscarriage, incontinence, impotence and you name it.

And each time you probably spent about seven seconds thinking "Well, that sounds disagreeable, I hope they do OK," and that was it. That is what all those family members, friends and people you don't know will do when she tells them about you.
Posted 10/26/2014 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Lessen they are the same personality type as said mother. Having said that, the intent is still true. It really gets back to the kindergarten advice… "sticks and stones" Our reaction to non-physical, even mean spirited, conscious or unconscious assaults is usually more harmful that the original assault. Some would argue this applies to even physical assaults. We all know what happened to the prime originator of that advice, which is why most of us are reticent to go that route.
Posted 10/27/2014 1:15 AM (GMT 0)

PeterDisAbelard. said...


And each time you probably spent about seven seconds thinking "Well, that sounds disagreeable, I hope they do OK," and that was it. That is what all those family members, friends and people you don't know will do when she tells them about you.

That hits the nail on the head with surgical precision.
Posted 10/27/2014 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
I did not tell my Mom. And I am glad!!! I'm five years out and she still does not know.
Why tell here? What's the point? She is in Florida and I am in NY. Is there any way she could help me at all? No. Would her phone calls be a comfort to me in any way? No.
If she knew, would she worry? Of course.
Would she keep my secret? Absolutely not. She would only tell one person: her sister, who would tell her son, who would tell the guy at the club house who would tell...
Nope! I did not go there.

All that hiding actually helped my recovery. It forced me to "be normal" quickly.
Tempting as it was, I could not play the cancer card and that made a big difference in my outlook.

Once the genie is out of the bottle you cannot get it back in.

Jeff
Posted 10/27/2014 2:12 AM (GMT 0)

Tim G said...

PeterDisAbelard. said...


And each time you probably spent about seven seconds thinking "Well, that sounds disagreeable, I hope they do OK," and that was it. That is what all those family members, friends and people you don't know will do when she tells them about you.

That hits the nail on the head with surgical precision.

Because I had the same mother, down to the religious belittling and superiority, I beg to differ. It doesn't matter what other people do with information that has been dumped on them, or how long they ponder it. What matters is that information that is private and which you don't want passed around is out there. Your rights to privacy top other people's length of ponderance. We don't have to divulge things which we might find humiliating.
Prostate Cancer is just ripe for juicy tidbits being salaciously whispered about, since it goes to the heart of a man's self-worth, with impotence, incontinence, diapers, shrinkage, de-masculation, and demeaning procedures. Nobody has a right to this information. If you don't want it to be out there, keep your mother out of the loop. She and her church ladies don't have the right to you. Please don't let her ruin your recover with her demands, because she doesn't care about you despite her intrusive questions. She is about her.
The book I mentioned is a real help in helping you deal with narcissistic mothers and others whose main aim is to make themselves the topic of conversation.
Posted 10/27/2014 2:49 AM (GMT 0)
My mom figured out something was wrong before I told her. She is also "small town Southern", and knows what is repeated once in confidence over morning coffee is in the newspaper that night. Since my job demands on total anonymity, she sat on it. A sibling, on the other hand, nearly cost me my job. Well, better said I still have "a job", but it ain't the same life.

I had just two visitors, and they brought the only plant and card I got in the four hospital days. The security was perfect. Even the office didn't realize I was anything more than "on PTO". Then bad things happened - news got around our barriers via sibling.

Loose lips sink ships -

If your situation can't tolerate publicity, don't tell her, and when she complains, explain what her stories will cost you.
Otherwise, you're stuck with the pitiful eyes of the town folks, and the "well, at least it's the GOOD cancer" crap. That ended after I handed a couple of them their arses on a plate, and word got around that it was a poor line to use on me.
Posted 10/27/2014 3:29 AM (GMT 0)
Beejane, I can tell that you understand this in a way that perhaps some others can't. Some of these patterns have been developed since early childhood and are a little harder to deal with than they may appear on the surface. I will take a look for that book. I do get what some of the others are saying as well and perhaps I will have to try to focus on the things I can control.
Posted 10/27/2014 3:56 AM (GMT 0)

Beejane said...
Medical issues allow some people whose lives are barren to garner attention and admiration for their long suffering witness.

Ain't that the truth, and many of these pitiable people are attracted to Internet Medical Forums to desperately grab for attention; in other words, illness gives their lives a purpose it did not have before: I am now somebody, not a nobody, because I have this illness.
Posted 10/27/2014 4:21 AM (GMT 0)

Dreamerboy said...


So to make a long story short, I don't want to tell her about the surgery until the operation is done. When I wake up I only want to see my immediate family and perhaps my brother. I don't want to wake up to a "family reunion". I also probably can't tell my sister as she also can't keep such things secret.

Any of you go through something similar?

Reading your original post suggests that you have lots of "wants .." how significant others should behave given your present situation.

Having PCa is a chance to let go of these "wants" and let life unfold.

All the best with the robotic surgery in Feb.
.
Posted 10/27/2014 1:10 PM (GMT 0)

PSA3DOT7 said...

Reading your original post suggests that you have lots of "wants .." how significant others should behave given your present situation.

Having PCa is a chance to let go of these "wants" and let life unfold.

.

There are a lot of men here who are alive because they made their "wants" known. They wanted better treatment, better doctors, another opinion, a different drug. For some, they are very thankful they told others how they should behave because it gave them a chance to let their lives unfold.
Cancer is not a chance to become a better man. It is a disease.
Dreamerboy, I do understand because I know what happens when you don't make your wants known and let others dictate how your life unfolds.
Posted 10/27/2014 2:19 PM (GMT 0)

Beejane, you said...
Prostate Cancer is just ripe for juicy tidbits being salaciously whispered about, since it goes to the heart of a man's self-worth, with impotence, incontinence, diapers, shrinkage, de-masculation, and demeaning procedures. Nobody has a right to this information. If you don't want it to be out there, keep your mother out of the loop.

If you add in the obvious things like an untimely, painful and undignified death to your list of woes you get quite a bit of stuff for a man to fear. And the danmable thing about those fears is that they are none of them unfounded. There is no way to reassure a man that he will ever have sex again, or that he won't spend the rest of his life in wet diapers, or that he won't become a spectator in life, included in plans only in being given a comfortable place to sit and watch life going by. Those are real possibilities. They are scary as hell but can't be discounted.

The one fear that is overblown -- the one place where I can offer reassurance -- is in the case of the fear of how embarrassing it will be if his blabbermouth mom tells everyone in town he has prostate cancer.

So of course a man has a right to try to control who knows what if he wants to -- although I do think the man who didn't tell his wife was dodging a responsibility -- and I am not defending the mother, particularly. I am just trying to point out that if people find out it really won't be as painful for him as he imagines. He has other things to worry about.
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