Husband doesn't want to use VED

So my husband, who had non nerve sparing surgery 5 weeks ago, has told me he is not going to do any rehab. no VED, no injections, and especially no implant. I was shocked and asked him why not. His response was that he's read forums on the internet saying how painful they are, and he doesn't want to. I protested, and he said, "you wouldn't do it, would you?" and i said "of course I would, without a second thought." But he says no, and he doesn't want to discuss it. He has been very loving, and taken care of me sexually since the surgery, but he is adamant that there will be no pump etc.

He was fully potent up til the day of surgery, never once in our 10 years has he had any issue, tho he's very modest about sex, and doesn't talk about it. Any conversation we have about it is mostly a monologue by me.

Guys, do you have any insight for me? Why is he so against VED? Is it really that bad? I feel guilty being so upset about it when he is still recovering from surgery, and we don't even know yet whether, or what kind of, further treatment he will have.

Sophie: The pump isn't painfull at all. I used it for 6 months, 2 times a day.  I even brought it to work! It was good for me to see me like the way I looked pre-surgery. Tell him that you will use it on him!  Get one on Amazon for under $100. It comes to your home in a brown wrapper.  Another very important element is to have the surgeon prescribe 5 mg. of Cialis per day ( and there are outlets where you can get this for under $1.00 per day).  If you surgeon hasn't mentioned this (Cialis for blood flow), he certainly should have!  I give him (your husband) a few more months and he may have a different outlook.  I went for BiMix injections at 6 months and did that up until the 1 year mark.  They were not bad at all!  And they worked indeed.  I did it once a week and I credit that specifically for the big improvement.

I finally got all of my ED fully resolved (things started automatically at 15 months, I was 59) and I credit it to my strict adherence to what my ED specialist told me to do.  You only get one chance to do this right.  In my opinion this is nothing to gamble on. He shouldn't feel ashamed or like  some type of pervert. He had major surgery to a very important part of his body and lost a God given means for love and pleasure. 

He is very early in the healing process and it may take over a year or even 2 for all things to come back as they once were.  But since you don't know what the final outcome will be, he really should do everything to improve his chances.  At least get him on the Cialis if anything, first.

Finally, IMO he should do this for you! 

Good luck.

Bill K. from NJ

Sophie,
I am sorry you are having these issues with your husband. The point that you made about him being modest about sex seems to be the issue here. Maybe if the doctor could talk to him about the benefits of using a pump and meds and the negatives of NOT using them.

I'll tell you a little story. I went back to my "rock star surgeon's" office for my 3 month follow up appointment. 4 other couples were there also who had their surgeries the same day as I had mine. We sat around talking about how the last 3 months had gone and how we were feeling now. It was amazing to hear all of us being so positive then after going through the scare of our lives only a couple of months earlier.

Well, the office was packed!! Maybe 25-30 people waiting for appointments, mostly scared newbies and us. One of the wives was talking about the VED pump. She said, "When Charlie uses the pump, I stand sideways, watch the results and cheer him on by saying Go! Go! Go!" We all laughed so loud I felt bad for all the newbies waiting their turn. They had no idea why these couples were laughing in a surgeons office dealing with something as serious as prostate cancer.

I used to make hash marks on the tube and try to beat the longest mark every time I pumped it up. It was very encouraging to see the old me with the help of my new friend, the pump.

Good luck, for his sake and yours, I hope he changes his mind.

Bill from Florida

Several ways to look at this. You said he is only 5 weeks out of surgery? And that's from a complex major surgery. And he has already "taking care of you"? My hat is off to him. 5 weeks out of my open surgery, that would have been the last thing on earth, that I would have been thinking about, or my wife. She is a nurse, and knew that I had some serious healing time ahead of me. The fact that he was willing, and able to take care of you this early on, speaks volumes of how much he cares about you and your needs.

It simply may be too soon. He may still be traumatized by the entire surgical event. Had he ever underwent a major surgery before? How about you, have you had major surgery? People may act and talk tough about it on the outside, but their bodies are going through a lot post surgery.

Over time, as he continues to heal, gain strength, and when some of the memory of this surgery begin to fade over time, he may change his mind about some of those sexual therapy options on his own.

And for the record, there are men here, that underwent non-nerve sparing ops, that regain full natural errections. I am one of those rare ones. Had open non-nerve sparing op back in October of 2008, and never ever had any ED. I was getting errections and having orgasms while still on the catheter (do not recommend that, btw), and my original catheter was in for over 2 months at the time.

I never needed a pump, never have had any sex pills, no injections. Much to my amazement, and my surgeon, I simply didn't have ED. Can't explain it, but its 100% the truth. I am not the only one, but admit, that its rare, but I can and does happen to a fortunate few. Just like we have plenty of men that had nerve sparing ops, and end up with long term total ED, you never can tell in advance how you will turn out in that department.

Give your guy some time, and patience, and plenty of love, hopefully, as he feels better, he will come around for, and do what is needed for his body, including those parts in his lower regions.

David

Sophie,

Be gentle with him, its only been 5 weeks! Ive tried a VED; but I dont LIKE nor USE a VED pump anymore.

A good friend of mine had a mastectomy, and she said she did not feel like a woman anymore. It took a lot of encouragement from her husband and other professionals to help her through the trauma. It is a trauma. I think the same psychological trauma happens to some men; not getting a spontaneous or assisted erection had its psychological effects on me.

Having had partial nerve sparing and totally loosing my erection at week 6-7 was devastating. I did buy a VED pump to help, but gave up in the end. I do use the 'ring' to maintain my partial erection. Trimix injection was another story; the first batch just did not work, but the second batch did work. I had terrible pains during the first 3 months - a floppy orgasm was not only psychologically painful but physically as well.(see my story in my profile).

It is a journey, all the best to you both.

Sophie,

Just a question: how is he doing with continence? It's hard for a man to feel sexy when he leaks. In theory a little urine is harmless and need not interfere with a man's sex life... in theory...

In practice it tends to be a huge problem. He'll need a lot more patience from you if he is struggling with leaking.

Thank all of you for your reassurances! I'm feeling much more hopeful now.

steve in dallas and bill k, thanks for the reassurance that its not painful!

Big Mac, I did call his surgeon and she said, "he'll change his mind. Just give him time." I asked her to encourage him... I enjoyed your doctor's office story.

Turner 2, I'm kind of hoping he'll come around to injections. But VED is the first step according to his doctor.

David, That is wonderful that you beat the odds with the NN surgery! I like hearing that, though I won't expect that kind of miracle:) Yes he was really knocked down by the surgery. I will continue to be patient, and I find it very easy to be loving to him as he is such a wonderful loving husband to me, as you pointed out.

Jeff, I look forward to helping him with an orgasm :) but thats still a couple weeks or more away. I'm glad to hear it still feels good. I've read some posts on the frank forum about loss of sensation. Wonderful as it is that he takes care of me sexually, I long to make him feel good as well. Thanks for your offer to talk with him. I wish he would talk to other men who've been through this, but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. He'll barely discuss his cancer with me, let alone sex. When we were at his one week and catheter removal appointment, I'm amused remembering his (female) urologist and I were discussing sex, his erections, etc , in front of him, me asking all the questions that he wouldn't even discuss with me, but he must have been thinking about. So ironic that he is so modest, and now has all sorts of females handling his privates and discussing his erection and penis.

PSA, thanks for reminding me to be gentle, and about how traumatic it is for him.. He has commented about not feeling like a man. Every day I try to let him know with words and action how much I value him. I expect that coming to terms with it is a process that he will need to do on his own, though.

RCS, I am thankful that I found this forum so I can talk to, or ask you all, about the things he doesn't want to talk about. I'm not a nagger because nobody likes being nagged. but It's hard not to have had (until now) anyone to talk about his cancer and the side effects. And toys.... yes this whole experience is a steep learning curve on so many fronts...:) He is soooo not a toy or movie guy. But I pulled out a vibrator the other week, and nonchalantly asked if he minded if I took care of myself.. that sure got his attention! I haven't needed it since then ;)

PeterDA, good reminder about the incontinence. Leaking a lot still. Nights and mornings he's dry but afternoon and evening forget it.

TruckersChaplain, Thanks yes, there's definitely lots of love involved :) It's funny how intense and passionate our marriage is right now. Cancer strips it down to what matters most, doesn't it? Best of luck with your surgery. I hope you'll keep us posted with your progress.

And all of you, thanks for the feedback on what he may be feeling. I'm feeling much more positive about it all.

Sophie,

As has been said earlier, erections and orgasms tend to be different after surgery.

As to the VED, there are TWO possible "intended" uses.

1 - having intercourse with the use of a ring. At 5 weeks, that would be a great thing, but expecting to use a ring, and have a cold "erection" is at best depressing.

2- rehabilitation of an organ that has been abused in surgery. That is what my VED is for. I am a non-nerve sparing guy, so the VED is used to stretch out what is left, in hopes that some day, magic will happen. In the meantime, real intercourse is facilitated by a shot of Trimix, when she complains that it has been too long. After the shot, she'll complain that it was too big, too long. I can't win.

Hubby needs to understand that there are small steps to take. Getting out the VED is not triggered by / required for orgasm. It is a tool to use to keep the parts working. He should schedule a 15-20 minute "therapy" session every day for VED use in a therapy scheme.

I clean and lube my firearms every month, even if they are not fired for years. I change the oil in my car engine based on time even if I don't drive 5000 miles. I get out the VED and pump up the poor critter event though I'm on Lupron, and wouldn't know what to do with it if an opportunity presented herself.