The Mindgame

Either the mind is an amazing thing, or I am bi polar. Probably both.

I was feeling so great after my MRI results, made my decision, was thinking positive, almost like nothing even was wrong, for two days. All of a sudden today, as the day went on, I started getting down, worrying about the outcome, the surgery, wondering am I doing the right thing.

I thought I came to closure. In terms of treatment I have, my decision is final. But I dunno, it's almost like I felt I had it licked mentally, like I've accepted it and I'll deal with it and move on. And now the last 4-5 hours, that's not where my head is at all. Im back to the what ifs, like what if the lesion that showed on the MRI is a G8, not a G6. What if the MRI is wrong, and ther IS ECE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
A couple of my buddies called me to check in in the last few hours and I had to work hard to keep my voice from quivering. WTH.

Sorry for rambling, I just had to get that out. I guess I'm gonna have to get used to the fact that there are good days and bad days, and it comes with the territory

Pratoman,

The prostate cancer journey, wherever it takes us, is a roller coaster ride, so sit back, hold on for dear life, and enjoy the ride.

I am hating to read this :( You've been so confident in your decision and have probably researched more than most 2 year urology students. That's just the old devil that likes to mess w/ our minds and make us doubt everything. You well know that we've been there too. Let me ask you this, you said the thoughts running through your mind are is it really contained? Is it really a G8 instead of a G6? The only way you'll ever know that for SURE is w/ the surgery (and I'm not pushing you for the surgery if you decide to back out and do something else). I'm just saying if you decided to go another route would you still be worrying the whole time w/ those same questions? Yes, I think you would. So get it out and find out for sure (if you want to haha, I'm sounding bossy saying that). Surgery is not bad. Yes Bob had a bad experience, but just like PC every surgery will be individualized. You may not have a reaction to the dye, anesthesia, or whatever it is that made Bob so sick. You may not have green pee (the green pee was kind of interesting though). Anyway, again, I hate reading you are going through this :(

Sorry Pratoman. I dropped the worry ball.

I had to go out to dinner and be sociable, so I couldn't cover my part of the schedule. I'll make up for it another day.

I know you don't think so, but you are actually quite normal. There isn't a guy here who didn't have second thoughts for at least a few minutes. That is why whoever takes you to the surgical center will lie and say you are just going out for ice cream. They tell you that so you'll get in the car.

You'll get through it. Honest. And if you don't - you won't know about it.
(I had to throw that last bit out there since it's your turn to hold the worry ball and I didn't want you to be empty handed.)

Here's the only serious part of this post. Use this waiting time to get in shape. Exercise, eat right, kegel and empty that prostate!
Good luck to you.
Jeff

Island time, thanks very much for perspective. It helps

Miki , thank you. But don't misunderstand, I am NOT second guessing my decision, I am doing surgery, it's a done deal. No looking back.

I probably didn't express myself well. I mean to say, I'm thinking about all the what ifs. What if positive margins, what if theincontinence department finds me one of the less lucky ones., what ifs are driving me nuts.


I guess I need to start reading the book on Mondfulness that I bought

Pratoman said...
Either the mind is an amazing thing, or I am bi polar.

wow - you've been to both arctic and antarctic?!?

:)

Second guessing my treatment choice was a hobby of mine until my first post treatment PSA test.

I'd like to say, "get over it," but those kinds of thoughts are a bit normal.

Andrew

I could give you lessons in being a "strong silent type." Except, I am not strong or silent, but I could fake it.

I'd point you to my blog, but that's all about that scary radiation. I am a bit disappointed by my treatment - I was hoping to grow a third arm or an extra eye or something but so far nothing like that has happened...

Andrew

I agree. Your decision is made, you have said its final. So be it. Do yourself a huge favor, put it away in a box, the entire subject, until just prior to your surgery. Christmas is a week from today, think about that instead.

All those what-if's are another waste of time and energy and life, don't do it. It will be what it will be, whatever happens or doesn't happen will take place with or without your knowledge or consent.

Not picking on you, but I am famous for not-worrying. And I mean literally not worrying about anything in my life, and I have been through hell and back so many times I am a regular traveler, yet I refuse to give in to worry.

It doesn't help you, or those around you, and its totally unproductive.

Since your decision is final, just put it away for now, stop thinking about PC and all the variables that you have absolutely no control over.

If you are a person of faith, turn to that faith and the trust that comes along with it. If not, spend the time between now and surgery doing things you like to do, with the people you like to be with, and enjoy life as it is.

Since sex will never be the same for you post surgery, regardless of outcome, enjoy pre-surgical sex all you can stand, that's a great way to pass sometime.

Life is too short for this worry and what-if nonsense, enjoy what you have. Or you will simply drive yourself crazy, and you will still be at the exact same spot when you come back to your senses.

I have serious things going on in my body, and with my body, and its getting worse over time, yet I refuse to worry and fret over any of it. What can be done, is being done, what can't, isn't. It's that simple with me.

David

Title, and David, probably right. Maybe I need a break from thinking about it and reading about it. I've thought about it.

Ben, thanks. My doc gave me Lexapro, but I decided not to take it. I also think I read that it can cause problems with the surgery if it's in your system (Might be Miki's thread about Bobs trouble post surgery?)
He also gave me Xanax, I've minimized my use of it, but good point maybe I should use it more if I need it more. Feels weak, though.

Best to find ways to be constructive about what we can control I guess.

Good point bro. Just dropped one

Thank you.

While I'm not a psychologist, I suspect that the fact that you landed on a decision cleared some room in your mind to worry about something else. As my wife tells me when I'm obsessing about something meaningless "SNAP OUT OF IT." (And although she's only five feet tall and 97 pounds, she's very loud and assertive when she says it.)

OK, so I know having someone to tell you not to worry won't help one whit. But let me ask you this: how do you deal with your financial clients that have irrational concerns? The ones that won't dare put even 5% in stocks because "they're just too risky" even though 100% cash is losing them money through inflation every day. Or what about the ones that are convinced that society is going to collapse and they want all their money in gold nuggets to deal with the apocalypse?

How about this: what do you do tell a client that has a 99% Monte Carlo chance of retirement success, but is still not convinced? That's pretty much your situation here...

If it makes you feel better, had my uro kept me waiting another 2 minutes, I would've put my pants back on and headed for the hills before my biopsy. I did not want to do it... so, very very close to running away from it all.

Hate to say this, but I wished I'd run from the surgery gurney but they said count back from 10 and I didn't even get to 10 and I woke up without my prostate. What was that?

Had I known I was G6 from the get go, I was a G7 on biopsy, and a G6 on post op pathology, I would've NEVER done anything. My only regret is not knowing I dipped to a G6. The side effects come down to quantity over quality issue. I think I'd go with quality over quantity. No man likes leaking or losing his sexual prowess...it is A LOT to ask, but it is such an individual choice and every scare tactic is going to be used to get you to act. Some may balk at my characterization of scare tactics vs. "reality", but that's how I look back on my experience. Prostate Cancer is a money making machine. Hard to make it if you choose to do nothing...but it always comes back to...but, if you do nothing you're playing russian roulette and you could die. Who wouldn't do about anything not to die? Boom...you're going to do something. Almost everyone does.

Rollercoaster is normal...cry often. I did. It's good for you.

Eventually, you will have to choose a side and stick with it. There will be fear regardless. I pray the right choice is made and you cope with it extremely well. I think the regret angle is worse than diagnosis.

Heal well.