The Mindgame

Prato,

Its like jumping into the dark ....

Pman, that's what the forum is for. No one else would listen, could listen, certainly not understand your concerns.

I had two times with MAJOR second-guessing my plan.

First, the initial Lupron shot. I was scheduled at the uro's office for 8am to receive it. I just couldn't get myself to move, just frozen to the sofa. It was the act of committing to the plan, and as my wife had noted I was more worried by the HT than the cancer! Finally at 8am still at home I called them, said I'm running late, and could I still go ahead with it. They said I could as long as I got there by 9am. It's a 45 minute drive! I made it, received the injection, and went down the rabbit hole. That was just weird.

Second, the initial radiation treatment. I'm down with the plan, believe in the hospital's physicists, saw the treatment plan first, everything's fine. But, when I laid on the machine's "couch" and they aligned my tattoo marks with the lasers, moments after the techs left the room, I had this brief fantasy of just jumping off the machine and running out of the room! I didn't do it, but it was a very real thought. Again, it was committing to the plan by having that first treatment. All other options closed out at that moment.

You may be experiencing some of that inevitable back-and-forth. Psychologists call this a multiple-approach, multiple-avoidance decision. They're very difficult due to many factors involved each with various weightings. Those weightings even change from day to day, so staying confident in your decision can be hard.

And as my mom used to say, "If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, every day would be Christmas!". We never really fully settle all of those what if questions. As we've discussed before, somehow you have to find peace with less than 100% information. You'll never have that. Before, during, even after treatment you can always second guess.

But, as in my case, I did go ahead with a treatment plan, have done it, and that's it. The only reason any of us should revisit our decisions is if you find later something you didn't consider would have changed things, then those following us may learn from those factors. Otherwise, stewing about what I should or should not have done is worse than useless. It steals joy from every miraculous moment we're here!

Choose joy; every day is a miracle.

Jerry

Personally, I find coming to grips with PCa somewhat like an onion, there are always more layers that
need to be peeled away til I get to true acceptance of Frank's diagnosis and the realities of Stage 4
disease...not there yet, probably never will be...it's a work in progress.
Basically, be kind to yourself and those you love and the rest will work out, IMHO.

Lisa

Thanks all, Jerry, Billybob, good to know i am not alone.

I have to admit, the one time i think "did i make the right decision" is when i see guys like Yoop, and others doing radiation and being one and done on treatment. Or when i talk to someone who has had that experience.
But all said and done, like i said before, decision made. I know that for me its the only decision i can make. Others will disagree, but the mental part, the gut, the what are you willing to deal with not knowing, is important. Right or wrong, its just the way i am. So like i said, I'm not second guessing surgery.

@Billy - i have no interest in not doing anything, i.e. AS/WW. First of all, i am, as most people know here, not wired for it. I will NEVER have peace. Second of all, one of my positive cores was 80% volume, indicating large tumor (in a relatively small prostate), i had 3 cores, which eliminates AS for many docs, AND my MRI did show one lesion, and from what i understand, most of the time G6 doesn't show on a 3T mpMRI, so this indicates i may well have a more aggresive tumor. (SOMEBODY please correct me on that if i am wrong - i am curious about that)

On the 15 minute drive to my office this morning, it occurred to me that i have three more weeks to to live my life as i know it now, at least for a while. I really need to try to enjoy it. I guess thats my goal for the rest of the year.

compiler said...
HW is fantastic, but I now see that at times it is counter-productive and can drive one crazy.

Look, the guy has done his due dilligence.

There is always someone who delights in pointing out that someone else chose TX X and is doing great or saying why did you choose TX Y?

I think Prat has suffered enough making his decision and second and third and fourth guessing every decision.

At some point, one has to decide based on HIS particular situation, information, and psyche.

Mel

Absolutely correct, has to decide for himself, just like I did. Just as the rest of us did. But especially if a G6 is already having 2nd thoughts about his decision, it seems reasonable to me to take a few more weeks to think about it until you can come to a firm conclusion, based on your individual situation. What is the hurry with a G6? It's a lot to decide for sure. (when I made my recent response to another post, I had not - and still have not but will now- read to the end of the thread. So, prat, if you have finally made up your mind with full confidence then- my bad- sorry, just ignore anything I said. After all, they are just the ramblings of who knows who on the internet anyway! What's that saying about free advice being worth what you paid for it? LOL!)

Prato, yeah, there's radiation guys like me that are doing well - and there's also examples of guys doing well not matter which modality they chose. You've done all that you can do, made YOUR decision, and again are being treated by probably THE BEST. You're good my friend, now go on and enjoy - seriously, enjoy - the holiday season.

Funny story, that some of you will enjoy.
I called a company in my area to rent a 3 position recliner, and set it up to be delivered the day before surgery. At the end of the business part of the conversation, the guy, very nice guy, asks what i am having done, i told him PC surgery. So he tells me that he had it done by Scardino at MSKCC 8 years ago, and we get into a conversation. He was actually very helpful. He has had no issues since the surgery, no recurrence, etc.

So as we finished up, and i said something about being neurotic about this whole thing. He responds by laughing and says in a good natured sarcastic tone.... "neurotic? you? i would have never guessed from our conversation that you were neurotic". Made me laugh.

I can't help it, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes it isnt so helpful.

But Prat, WHAT IF he wasn't being completely honest with you? LoL!

Cheers, Doug

Prato:

/www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5SNAluOj6U

DO.

Hang in there Prato-dude!!

BenSam

Logo, thanks for the thought. My problem is physical. I have PC. I'm a little mor high strung and nervous than most , by nature. But I dont think its my problem, I think it's pretty normal from what I've read here and elsewhere about others first month or so after diagnosis. I just talk about it more. I do tend to look for answers where none exist.

. My problem is being removed in 2 1/2. weeks (not soon enough)

Caspar thanks.yes, it was actually very funny.