Getting Mad after surgery?

I've already discussed this w/ one member of the forum but thought I'd share w/ the rest of the "family". Maybe some of you guys can shed some light on what's going on. I've said from the get go Bob isn't much of a talker and he's one of those people that buries his head in the sand at any adversity. All of a sudden he's turned into a complete JERK. I am about ready to pull my hair out. He's almost 3 months post op and all of a sudden it's like he's a completely different person. You'd think w/ a great first PSA he'd be ready to move on, not take people for granted, and to cherish each day, but NOOOOOOOOOO. All of a sudden he's turned into demon spawn. Nothing I do is right, talking to me like dirt, very inconsiderate. You guys know I have stood by him and supported him in everything but guys I'm about at my breaking point. I came out of a 17 year abusive marriage (physically and verbally) and I promised myself never ever again would I let someone steal my self esteem and worth from me but that's what I feel like is happening (no he's not physically abusive so don't think that). Even after surgery w/ good results did you go through depression? Are there some kind of hormonal changes that are happening because he no longer has a prostate? Help me get into a man's head post op so I can figure out what's going on. If this needs to go to caregivers thread move me. Just wanted to talk it out w/ those that have been through it. ~Miki~

Mikki, you have really been a source of comfort to everyone of us when you could have just moved on and "abandoned" HW altogether. I imagine you have been as wonderful to Bob as well. And you have had to deal with your own health concerns too. So sorry you're dealing with this frustration too.
I would suggest some marriage counseling so you can find out what is going on! Email me if you like.

Gut reaction-> Give him some space.

BUT, is he being a JERK all by himself or is it in reaction to you being overly helpful?

Hi Miki, as I mentioned in our email exchange, I've experienced some depression, after surgery, and the zero PSA result made me happy and thankful but it didn't remove the depression. I think what Bob is going thru is normal, and you're the on,y one around that he can take it out on. Not defending him, but just sayin...


There are a lot of emotions that go with being newly diagnosed/newly treated. Including, dealing with the side effects, and just as big, dealing with our own mortality, as well as knowing that life can change in a split second, with every upcoming PSA test.

So I think like Steve said, maybe give him some space. Time will be a big healer. Try to remember it's not really you that he's angry with. It's the Cancer, and maybe God.

If, in a few months, it's not getting better, you should probably have a talk with the goal of getting him to accept some sort of counseling.

Hope it improves soon

I don't find his abusive behavior normal in any way. Sure, prostate cancer, prostate surgery or other treatment, are traumatic, life-altering events in a man's life, but I would venture to say that for most of us men, it actually brought us closer to our wives. My gratitude to my wife for standing strong with me knows no bounds.

Have you told him in no uncertain terms what his cruel actions are doing to you? No woman, no loyal wife, needs to put up with this kind of crap. All of us get dealt a bad hand by fate from time to time, but that gives no one the right to make life miserable for their mate.

Stand up strongly for yourself, and tell him to stop it, get counseling if necessary, and demand the respect you deserve. Tell him that his peers on this forum are shocked that he would take out his frustrations on his wife.

Some may disagree, but those are my thoughts.

Miki,

Cancer most assuredly leaves a footprint. Like all footprints it eventually fades away. But it's healing time is as different and individualized as the sinister affliction itself. Try this read.


www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/emotionalsideeffects/copingwithcancerineverydaylife/a-message-of-hope-emotional-impact-of-cancer

Jim

The best thing to do is ignore it and continue his care, but DONOT dote on him in any ways as to try and win his heart back. Remain above it, when he is a AH,perfect term,regardless of the cause, do not stomp out, show little reaction, continue the task at hand as if he was as cheerful as Barney the dino, well maybe not that cheerful. Do not get sucked into his dynamic, at some point and it could take some time, depending on how much of an AH he is, he will drift to your dynamic. Only you know how he was before this diagnosis, but use that knowledge in sizing up the situation as time goes on. NO one should be treated that way, regardless of whats going on in the perps life., barring Pschosis. He either gets thru this with yore help,{ meaning loving care, no subtle retaliations, not saying you do,I do not think you do, but subtlety is the humans deadliest offense,and defense, but mostly his own or he will get/or not get thru it alone regardless of any physical presence nearby. We all have our limits and must obey them. I am sorry you have to go thru this and I pray this man come backs to himself and to you. DO NOT coddle him, or berate him, Reckon Even Mr in-between has some good applications as well. Steady as she goes MiMi… RP and cancer diagnosis is traumatic, not all men handle it as well as others…Still no excuse for it, maybe gently a reason tho….

depression is normal post treatment, but abusive behavior isn't. Doctor/counselor/other professional time in my estimation.

for you at least, if not for him too.

Andrew

His actions are more like Bill is talking about. Quicker temper, no patience, easily offended. As Beth said I have been going through some health stuff as well so my temper isn't the best. I think his attitude got worse after the cialis prescription ran out and insurance won't cover the dosage he needs. Then we had to have the discussion about calling the uro about some other options. He has no incontinence but erections are 0. (He was hopeful after the cath came out because there were signs of life and now nothing). I think that is probably the trigger. I haven't pressured him about anything about that except had the discussion that the uro needs to be called and see what other options are available. I understand that's a blow to his ego but that doesn't mean to just push me away and deny me any form of affection or respect as his wife. I think we're both really down right now but I hold it together and suck it up for my kid. I'm at the age my hormones are going nuts and I promise you it seems like what he's going through is hormonal. It's like there's two people in the house going through menopause at the same time and he's not on hormones. Wondering if there is a drop in T since the surgery and that causes mood swings? All of you weighing in helps as usual. I will take the advice and back off and give him some space. Believe me Clocknut I know how to stand up for myself. He gets called out on his behavior. Counseling would never be an option. He would never ever go. He would never go to a PC support group. He'd never discuss anything in here (Though he used to read here or listen if I told him bits of info from here). He doesn't even understand why I still come here or my other fb women's group for wives of men w/ PC. He says it's over, it's done, it's gone why do you still go to those pages. I still come because I want to encourage others, because I've made friends here and I want to see how they are doing and because we're still dealing w/ effects of PC. ~Miki~

I'm not exactly well versed in pschology, but then neither is anyone here. But it seems like he might be a bit depressed if ED is a big part of his life and he may be walking around soaked with urine all day. That'll make you mad, nuts...something. Granted he ought not to be mean spirited about it..but still. Of course he may just feel like s...t from the surgery...he may never be 100% again and maybe that weighs on his mine. Granted he won't be dead , but he won't be 100%.

Miki, I'm really sorry that you are going through this with Bob. Of course there is no excuse for his behavior but there may be reasons. After spending six + years on this forum I can tell you that many, many men experience depression and/or anger as a result of urinary or (particularly) sexual side effects of their treatment. Of course lashing out at one's partner is not a healthy reaction but it may be the way he is coping with this.

One thought - is there some scenario that could have him blaming you for his predicament? I say this because my wife tells me that it's a male gender thing to sometimes want to blame others. Of course I'm sure she is not talking about me, but I suspect other males may have this issue! In any case, does he think you pushed him into the treatment choice and he is now taking his frustration out on you? If so, counseling for this is way above my pay grade but it might be an angle for the two of you to work through.

I wish you the best as you resolve this and I'm sure there are many folks here who can sympathize and, perhaps, empathize with your situation. I suspect that if the SE's subside, so may the anger...

Jim

P.S. You mentioned the caregiver's thread. You might want to post there as well to see if some of the female caregivers have ideas for helping you.

Unfortunately, PCa and the side effects of treatment take a bite out of many marriages. While my husband has never been abusive, he withdrew in ways and communicating with him about sensitive issues was like walking on eggshells. Three months after surgery was when it was the worst. When my husband becomes upset he just loses himself in spectator sports (more than usual).

There is a new normal after surgery and it is a huge adjustment. My husband is the patient of an ED specialist (Dr. Mulhall) who guided him through a rehabilitation program (PDE5i drugs and trimix injections). Without this guidance my husband would have been psychologically lost. It was only partially successful. My husband still has issues, and Dr. Mulhall continues to provide him with medical and psychological support. If Bob is lashing out because of frustration with ED, getting the best medical care for it that is available in your area might help him both medically and mentally.

Well, boy howdy, there's a new perspective from ChrisR. LOL