Fear creeping in...unsual for me

Less than 2 1/2 days away from this pending major surgery. Normally, up until this event, I always take it all in stride. For some reason, I am getting some serious fear sneaking into my head. Trying to dissipate it by keeping myself extra busy, but anytime I am idle, it comes back at me.

Not remotely afraid of surgery, even big surgery. Been there, done it too many times. It was five years ago to the month, that I last had major surgery. Have had at least 5 other lesser surgeries since then.

Then I tell myself, I am 5 years older than last time. I have gone downhill a lot during that time, my long term chronic fatigue is at is worse (15 years and counting). Ever since I was in the hospital in July for that last blockage, I can't seem to even get back to that energy level. Not even with PT every week.

Last week, they accessed my motion and strength, done every 3 months. From the previous testing, I have lost another 25% in motion and strength, in every part of my body below the waist. That's a significant loss in 3 months time. I go to PT tomorrow (been going for 4 1/2 years now, I have the longest tenure of any of their oncology patients). I will be dismissed from the program, until I am recovered enough from this next surgery, then my oncologist will re-enroll me. But it will be starting at square one all over again. Sigh.

Not worried about the surgeon. Or the actual operation, I have read in detail what will be done, and there will definitely be complications due to my existing Urostomy plumbing and scarring issues. Some of my biggest concerns are when you first wake up in recovery. When I had the tumor removed from my face earlier in the summer, it was a fairly short operation, and I had a scary difficult time in recovery for the first time. I think I am afraid of a repeat of that experience.

Plus, I know I will be in a lot of pain, will probably have a morphine pump/button. Doctor is aware of the types and amounts of pain meds I am currently on, and said he will have to compensate for the extra pain the new surgery will add to the mix.

Probably concerned over nothing. Just tired of being tired, tired of hurting, tired of never having an end to all of this medical stuff. Each time a new event comes along, I feel like another piece of my well being is lost along the way. I just don't bounce back as fast as I use to be able to do.

I hate being a burden to my wife. She has enough to do with her nursing work at her age (60 now). And I want to be as independent as I can be. Setting up a spare bedroom as my at home "hospital" room, and have everything I need in easy reach. So that I don't have to depend on anyone for the simple stuff.

Already know, the hardest part will be getting out of bed and just being able to walk a few steps. I will have a large incision, already know that part. Pre-tested my walker in my house, and with one exception, it will clear every door and opening in our house. Not being able to drive for a month is a killer to me, as I love to take off whenever I feel like it.

Consider this a mini vent of sorts. With the PC surgery, I knew way in advance. Same as the Urostomy surgery. This surgery, and its scope, came to me hard and fast. Didn't see it coming, yet I have to deal with it. Calling it off out of fear is not in my best interest, all I would end up doing, is setting myself up for a potentially dangerous emergency room situation. Don't want that either.

Perhaps I will feel better, once I am on the other side. At that point, it will be past tense, no matter what I will be feeling at that time. Don't mind me. Just thinking out loud. These long evenings alone get into my head sometimes. Not even Monday night football is able to distract me tonight, lol.

"Probably concerned over nothing." No, you are legitimately concerned about a large number of things. Given your history and current condition, you are facing a lot. But, I know your faith will help you face these fears. Confronting them and naming them as you did in your post really helps. Now you can begin to prepare and cope with them.

(Phrases removed for Rule#6 violation)

And many here are praying for you and your family.

I am sending you an email so you or your wife can update me and I'll post here to share with everyone.
Thanks for activating it.

NOTE: As much as I personally agreed with the phrases I just deleted, as a moderator I need to enforce Rule #6 along with the other rules. I hope you understand and feel free to email those thoughts to David as I'm sure he will appreciate the support. Jim

Post Edited By Moderator (Tudpock18) : 9/29/2015 7:03:00 AM (GMT-6)

Here's wishing you have (or had, thinking about time zones!) a restful night. And sending all my hopes for a smooth recovery when the time comes. One thing's for sure, your friends will be here on HW waiting to hear from you.

thank you both. wife now home from work, always makes me feel better. 41 plus years of marriage has a way of doing that. just don't like the feeling of being a burden. she has to work 40-50 hours a week dealing with sick and dying people, with every kind of malady you can think of. then she gets to come home to me.

It is a scary thing. You'll be in my prayers,
Andrew

You have been extremely strong and have endured so much for many years. It's not surprising that you are beginning to feel the cumulative effects of everything you have been through. But you are a fighter and fighters endure. You will get through this.

You have countless angels here, praying for you. Give us the job of worrying, you just concentrate on the other side, where after the surgery you might be in pain, and tired and sore....but you will be better. You will have a goal to work towards, without this obstacle.

You have been through so much, that I KNOW you will come through this, and be in a much better place.

Praying for a good surgery and fast recovery
Jordan

You have bravely faced so many trials and your fear is understandable. A friend recently sent this to me.

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
~ author unknown

Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

Suz & Steve

David, you've revealed a bit about your religious convictions over the years, and without being too specific let me just say that the religion we have in common has a special service that often brings comfort to those facing serious illness. I availed myself of that before my prostatectomy and that was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Consider it, or email me if you're unsure what I'm talking about here.

Sometimes the rule about "proselytizing" (I'm not sure some folks understand the difference between "proselytizing" and simply offering a spiritual suggestion), get in the way of trying to be of comfort to a PC brother. It's as if religious people have to completely forego their beliefs to participate here, while non-believers are under no similar restrictions of expression.

David,

You have been so strong through all these years. I and many people look up to you for that and encouragement. Now, it's our turn to give you the encouragement and prayers that you'll need facing this surgery.

I'll be continually praying for you and your wife and praying for peace!

Stay positive and we know everything will be fine.

Dave

It`s been 6 years since my Op, (is it that long ! ) and has been a long while since I last posted, but I have been following your story David.
I would just like to say Good luck and I sincerely hope that after your recovery period you can start to live your life once more and enjoy the things and people you love.
Your strength of character is an inspiration to all.

I wish you all the very best from England.

David

You're in my thoughts and prayers...

See ya when you RTB..

David: Do what you do so very well, post your wisdom on this forum to those newbies that gain so much from a man who has been through it all and knows just the right things to say. Thus gift you have is a rare talent that God has has given for a reason. You know my prayers are with you and all those who touch and serve you during your procedure.