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Coping with PC During the Holidays

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Posted 12/5/2015 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Here's a blog I wrote last year about coping with PC during the holidays:

In the month of November, Hallmark began the countdown to Christmas with special holiday movies. I skip all the movies about Santa or elves saving Christmas, but I'm a sucker for all the movies about about a single, widowed or divorced parent finding love during the holiday season. I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy stories with happily ever after endings.

Hollywood is on board helping to create the notion that good things are supposed to happen during the holidays. As much as I want that to be true, every year I'm reminded that pain, suffering, illness injury, disease and death do not take holiday breaks.

In 1976 the duo Simon & Garfunkel composed the song 7'OClock News/Silent Night which brilliantly deals with the disparity between what we hope for the Holidays and how the reality of the days news show us the futility of wishing for a Hallmark Christmas in a broken world.

Deep within our hearts there is a strong desire to experience a Hallmark Holiday. That's the reason why I believe suffering of any kind during the holidays is amplified and felt more intensely.

There are a number of places you can be in your journey with cancer:
1. Newly Diagnosed
2. Waiting for treatment-surgery, radiation, hormone therapy etc
3. Coping with the physical effects of treatment-loss of libido, urinary control, erectile dysfunction, etc
4. Coping with the emotional component of coping with cancer, things like anxiety, fear, sadness, loss, depression, etc
5. Coping with the relational changes brought about by a diagnosis of cancer, Your relationship with friends, family, and/or your partner may be negatively affected as a result of the diagnosis or treatment of cancer.

Any one of these circumstances has the potential to drain you'd like to experience during this season. There are some attitudes and behaviors that could take away the joy you'd like to experience:

Joy Killers:
1. Cling to the expectation you deserve a Hallmark Holiday and rage against your current circumstances.
2. Try not to think about your current reality-This is a great way to become obsessed with your current circumstances.
3.Withdraw from friends and family
4. Use alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings.
5. Judge yourself harshly because you don't feel the way you want to during this season.

Here's a few things you can do to make the holidays better.
Joy Enhancers:
1. Treat yourself and others in your life with kindness, compassion, tenderness and love.
2. Take time to acknowledge and grieve the losses you face this year as a result of cancer.
3. Don't push yourself or expect to do everything you are accustom to doing. For example you might not be physically or emotionally ready to go to the office Christmas Party or drive/fly long distances to be with family.
4. Limit your activities to a few things you'll truly enjoy.
5. Spend time with the people you love.
6. If you are able, doing something nice for someone in need.
7. Develop new holiday traditions you are able to enjoy
8. Spend time each day counting your blessings to enable you to develop an attitude of daily gratitude.
9. Draw strength from your faith.
10. If you do not believe in God-now is a good time to question that assumption.
Posted 12/5/2015 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Rick, nice post, good thoughts.

Last year, at holiday time, i was mentally and phsyically preparing myself for my January 6th surgery. New Years eve with friends at my house was less than joyous for me. And yup, you are spot on that adversity is amplified by our hopes and expectations and i guess, nostalgia, during the holiday season.

Conversely, after having experienced adversity around holiday time, a good holiday season, with lots to be happy about is amplified as well.

This morning, i was walking down the aisle in the drug store. And it occured to me where i was last year at this time. And i said to myself, last year at this time i was walking down the aisles of this same CVS, shopping for diapers. This year, here i am, shopping for suntan lotion in preparation for a week + in the Carribean.

As our member Sonny likes to say, "every day is a bonus". And this time of year, that is amplified.
Posted 12/5/2015 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
RickRed40 –

Thank you for posting your positive, thoughtful outlook on what it can be like to be entering the holiday season, with all of its seasonal joys in the air, but also with PCa in the back of one's mind. Your suggestions are good ones.

For many, this creates a delicate emotional balancing act, experiencing the delights of the holiday season, while keeping thoughts of the cancer beast at bay, at least for a while.

If I may offer, here are some additional suggestions for dealing with this particular emotional challenge, from a page on the Zerocancer site:

zerocancer.org/learn/getting-through-the-holidays

Also, in reference to your citing of the Simon & Garfunkel song "Silent Night/7 O'Clock News" from decades ago, here is a Youtube version of that very poignant song:

/www.youtube.com/watch?v=keFU9uj9EOE
Posted 12/5/2015 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
I think the first holiday year is the hardest. If your treatment choice was successful and the fear of dying has subsided, it's less challenging to feel gratitude on year two.

I appreciate all those who have and who will share their holiday thoughts, joys and sorrows.
Posted 12/5/2015 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Perspective determines all!
Posted 12/6/2015 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
I find that the holidays make coping with PCa easier because I spend these days with my sons. My two boys live on the east and west coasts so I àlternate spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them annually. During Easter they both visit with me in South Carolina . That's the best time of all because we're all together!
Basically we need to do things which remind us of the positive aspects of our lives and being around family and kids sure does that!
Bob
Posted 12/6/2015 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
I get to spend Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas AND New Year's here at MD Anderson. Whoopee.
Posted 12/14/2015 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thought-provoking topic for the holiday season ...

There's something about CHRISTMAS that seems to tug at the heartstrings and feelings of sentimentality more than the rest of the holidays ... I can roll through the 4th of July or Labor Day without a second thought ... but then there's Christmas ... the holiday that seems to be filled with the most memories and nostalgia ... and I agree with the others who have stated that the FIRST Christmas after being diagnosed can tug at your emotions a bit ...

For my first Christmas, I took a few walks around my hometown by myself ... just to reflect and ponder and think about the events of that first year of diagnosis ... and the true sense of gratitude I had for reuniting once again with my family and friends back in the hometown where I grew up ...

Cards on the table, true story ... my first Christmas after being diagnosed was really memorable ... I teach elementary school and was close to reaching the milestone of teaching 25 years ... started teaching here in my 20s and am now teaching the second generation of children in this town, so I'm very connected to all the kids and families in this town ... I always buy presents each year for all my students, which I give to them right before they head home for Winter Vacation, just in time for Christmas ...

Your first Christmas season ... you have a lot on your mind ... you've been through the diagnosis ... you've started some treatments ... you've got family and friends reaching out to you ... everyone around you is stunned by the news about your health ... others are concerned and worried about your health ... you've got some new things to deal with ... and some aspects of your life have suddenly changed without warning ... and then the Christmas season rolls around at the end of the year ...

That first Christmas, at the end of the last day before Winter Vacation, my school kids put on their snow boots and winter coats and mittens and gloves after our classroom holiday party was over at the end of the school day ... and every single one of them hugged me and wished me well for the New Year as I put them on the bus ... nobody could EVER ask for more loyal and supportive kids than I have been blessed with since being diagnosed ...

As I went back to my classroom to get packed up to travel to my hometown for Christmas, there was my desk ... all covered with "teacher presents" ... thoughtful and generous ... and that's when I got the lump in my throat as I unwrapped each one ...

BEST of all, as I sat down at my desk ... there were all the handwritten CARDS from each child and their parents ... expressing their heartfelt thoughts and prayers for me ... and what the school year had meant to them ... and their wishes for me in the New Year to follow ... and that's when the tears started streaming slowly down my cheeks as I read each card ... not the sad kind of tears at all ... the kind of tears where you are just filled with GRATITUDE in your life.

Sure, teacher presents are surprising and fun and heartwarming ... but as a teacher, those handwritten cards from the kids are the BEST ... and my desk drawers are filled with 25 years' worth of cards written by my school kids over the years.

I'm now looking forward to my third Christmas since being diagnosed ... and this past spring, I made it to the milestone of teaching 25 years in this town --- the goal I set when I first got diagnosed. This year's group of kids mean just as much to me as that first group of kids I taught 25 years ago, when I was just starting out ... and I'm getting their Christmas presents ready ...

I've spent my entire career teaching the school kids in this town ... but for me, the powerful LESSON that first Christmas came from THEM in the cards that they wrote to me that first Christmas ... the lesson from my school kids being: keep facing forward, stay determined, never give up, do everything you can in your power to stay in the battle, keep setting goals, stay strong, remember to keep looking up, & don't give up HOPE !

May you be richly blessed this holiday,
Iowa State "Cyclone"
Posted 12/14/2015 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
John TX can you expand on the MD anderson intrusion.
Posted 12/14/2015 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
ISU-CycloneFan -

What a moving and touching account of how you have dealt with the PCa challenge so far! In particular, when you say

"… keep facing forward, stay determined, never give up, do everything you can in your power to stay in the battle, keep setting goals, stay strong, remember to keep looking up, & don't give up HOPE !"

that's as positive as it gets, and could well serve as a motto for anybody for continuing the fight.

From your post, I would conclude that you must be one really great teacher. You obviously love what you do, and it certainly sounds like your students really do appreciate your efforts as well, as their gifts would indicate.

Have a great holiday season yourself, and thanks for such a positive post!
Posted 12/14/2015 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
This will be my first Christmas dealing with PCa. I don't suspect I will have any real issues with it. This disease is so much about the mental side. Yes, even with advanced, metastasized terminal cancer, it's a mental battle.

I think too many introduce stages of grey into the situation. It really is black and white. You are either going to choose to let the cancer run your life, or you are going to continue to LIVE, to continue to fight on and be "normal".

I"m a firm believer in playing the hand you are dealt. Sorry, there are no mulligans, no time machines. You can't go back and undo what's happened. So accept the diagnosis, but you do not have to accept the negatives that go with that. You don't have to accept that the cancer is going to change your life, that it's going to be worse now.

So many have wanted to give me pity...to say poor you, what a crappy deal. I won't listen or accept that. I live every day to the fullest and have continued to do everything I've done before, including, very recently actually starting to have a relationship.... which is interesting.

But point is holidays will not be different. I will celebrate the time as I have always done. I will spend an amazing time with family and friends. Feeling love...eating great food and enjoying a drink or two. I will laugh, cry, love and give.....same as I have done every year. Maybe I'm just naive or simplistic, but I'll be darned if I will let this dictate me life. I control my life and emotions...and I will continue to do so.

Just surround yourself with the love of family and friends, eliminate negative thoughts and people...and enjoy the Christmas season, and usher in a Happy New Year which I hope is filled with peace, love and many scientific breakthroughs!!!
Posted 12/14/2015 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
Jpenn44...Yes Jpenn...'There is a Santa Claus...' I don't think anyone could have said it better!!!
Posted 12/14/2015 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
That's a great post Rick. I'd add one more joy enhancer... "Get the hell away from people who try bring you down"... It's just not worth the negative energy.

...the point on God is well made... and trust me I am the LAST person I'd ever expect to hear saying that!
Posted 12/14/2015 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
get over it Paul.... Jeez...
Posted 12/15/2015 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
I gave up on Hallmark holidays many years ago when I was a divorced dad. Holidays to me became a marathon of trying to be everywhere on the same day to make everyone else happy -- ex-wife and daughter; ex-in-laws, my parents, girlfriend, housemates (I was sharing a house with 3 other adults at the time).

Years later, by the time I had PCa my holiday routine had settled down -- me remarried, daughter grown and with kids of her own - everybody willing to spread the visits over several days. But I did find the one added downside one holiday when one relative seemed to think that asking repeated and detailed questions about my health history was appropriate conversation between passing the turkey and pouring the wine. Thinking he might be having similar health issues I told him I'd be happy to talk with him one-on-one after dinner. But he said he didn't have any PCa related problems himself -- but nevertheless kept wanting me to talk about my surgery and after-effects. And I kept changing the subject and turning to talk to someone -- anyone--else.

Sometimes you do have to wonder what goes on in other people's heads.
Posted 12/15/2015 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
morbid curiosity is my guess. What he really wanted to know is whether you wet the bed and play with yourself under the covers. To your last question... You really don't want to know...it would be as disturbing as your last bad dream.
Posted 12/15/2015 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
Each year as the holidays approach, it marks one more year that Gary has survived a very grim prognosis at dx. We are heading into year 6, and every year I wonder if this will be our last Christmas together. Oh, how our appreciation of the time we do spend together has been heightened. There will be 16 of us in our little abode, Gary having more bad days than good, and me with a badly broken right wrist, but like Jpenn, I fully expect it to be a day of joy and love and laughter. It wasn't always that way, but we have been given a gift of time and a chance to become enlightened about the need to live and love fully every day.
yeah
Posted 12/15/2015 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Jordon and Beth, You're an inspiration to us all! Thank you for all your positive energy and thoughtful comments. You guys are awesome!
Posted 12/15/2015 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Beth...16 people in your little abode sounds perfect!!! Hope you and Gary have a beautiful, relaxing Christmas..

Sue....you are welcome, thank you for your positive energy too, we all feed off each other here!! One big happy dysfunctional family!!
Posted 12/15/2015 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
" we are all the same...we are all different " myman...Susan! Therein lies dysfunction...I would never want to feel the lack of same...
Posted 12/16/2015 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
Laying in the hospital with your internal organs floating in urine while the docs are trying to assess whether to proceed with dialysis and your bladder is spasming with clots forming in one's legs knowing that the end result of it all will be a surgery that worsened your cancer....

It's difficult to hop up and start counting ones blessings while singing "Joy to the World"

I guess it's just all in one's attitude!
Posted 12/17/2015 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
Difficult yes... " Im not asking for easy...just possible " Bethany Hamiliton ... survivor of shark attack losing an arm from shoulder down... won a major surfing championship in 2014 as an adult woman...prior to that won island junior pro champion and after that World junior pro championship...all... after the shark attack at the age of 13...
Posted 12/17/2015 7:09 AM (GMT 0)

Bozolidat said...
Difficult yes... " Im not asking for easy...just possible "

:)

Like a chick inside an egg poking it's beak through its outer shell...cracking that egg.

Merry Christmas.

(Smile)


You do what you do....lol I love it.

Post Edited (island time) : 12/17/2015 12:27:44 AM (GMT-7)

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