Just Venting

I just need to vent a bit. Hubby got his most recent PSA back in Dec. Is appears it is starting to rise (has been undetectable for most of the last 2 years). It went up to 0.02. I know, not a lot, but he is Gleason 9 and we know the beast is already in at least his lymph system. Urologist had told him he was expecting this- in fact surprised it hadn't happened sooner. Going to give the Lupron shots 2 more chances- gets next PSA in April then one in August. If still rising, even slowly, will talk then about possibilities. OK. I'm comfortable with all of that. I'm researching things so I'll be ready. Hubby is NOT coping well. He's convinced this is the beginning of the end (oh- he's having some bone pain, too). He is so short tempered. Gets angry at the least little thing. Shouts, rants, cusses, etc. I know it's his way of dealing with something he can't control. But it is wearing. Not really anything I can do, so not asking that. Just wanted to vent to others who understand what dealing with this beast is like. Thanks for listening. It makes a difference.
(PS- yes, I know he is probably depressed, but I don't dare bring that up- believe me I have my reasons and know he would NOT listen)

Vent all you need. You've got a tough problem to deal with there.

Hope it gets better for you,
Andrew

Dear Worried,

I just wanted to reach out to you, because you are trying to reach out to your husband.

I am wondering if someone else in your husband's life could intervene at this time ? It sounds like he needs some help, he's dealing with a lot of emotions, and he's lashing out right now. It sounds like you are caught in the emotional cross-fire right now ... you see that he's in need ... you want to help him so badly ... yet, right now, he is resistant to any form of help. Sounds like he's in a dark place, his walls of defense are going up, he is becoming difficult to reach ... that's a vicious circle, and he's trapped right in the middle of his own circle, from the description of the situation I read in your post, at least ...

My humble advice, not knowing your husband, or the exact situation, of course ...it sounds like you need to enlist some help. There's got to be somebody in his life who might know how to deal with him and can understand his situation ... someone he has known well for years ... a person whom he trusts and respects, someone who can sit down with him privately and reach through to him ... a brother, an uncle, a neighbor, a work colleague ... the old friend from high school ... his old college roommate ... maybe a church friend or minister ... the old trusted friend from "way back" .... the one who has NEVER let him down ...

Might be helpful to enlist the help of that trusted friend for your husband ... we all have those certain people we will listen to when the going gets rough ... the one who can set us straight, yet show unwavering loyalty and compassion when the going gets tough ---

Think of someone who can break through those walls with him ... it takes the right kind of person to do that in the situation you are describing. You need to enlist the person who can say, "I care about you a lot, but I'm worried about you ... I've known you for a long time, and I think you might need some help ... and I'm going to stand by you through all of this."

Sounds like he needs some help right now ... you have the insight to recognize this ... hopefully, you can enlist the help of another person in his life to reach out to him right now ... maybe even a couple of buddies, talking with him together ...

I hope this bit of advice might be helpful ... something to consider ... your care and concern for him is so evident, and that's worth its weight in gold ... he needs you right now, more than ever ... but I think he also needs another person to reach out to him right now ... someone who can also be your ally in helping him ...

Sent with caring thoughts,
Iowa State "Cyclone"

Post Edited (ISU-CycloneFan) : 1/8/2016 5:37:02 PM (GMT-7)

I don't have any great advice for you, but wanted to be another voice telling you you're not alone.

I feel for you, I feel for your husband. I can imagine how scary it is to be him, to have to wonder if every ache and pain you feel is just the normal stuff you used to ignore pre-cancer, or if it's some ominous sign of impending doom. The PSA roller coaster, the low-in-the-absolute-but-darn-I-don't-like-the-trend numbers -- it's all scary and depressing.

My husband's emotional response to the cancer cost us as much as the cancer itself. Those songs about "I wish you could live like you were dying," about really enjoying the moment for the first time and trying to live every dream you can fit into your remaining days....ummm, clearly written by people who haven't lived with dying. At least not being diagnosed late stage and aggressive. I wish I could tell you how to avoid some of the mistakes we made, but I'm certain what works will vary for every person.

My husband would not see a counselor, take an antidepressant, accept advice. He fought the idea of needing help for a long time. We still have kids in the house, and he destroyed his relationship with our oldest (which thank god for both their sakes, he's lived long enough for a partial repair -- they have a relationship now, but a shadow of what it once was). I think that was a wake up call for him, along with the passage of time and slow acceptance of how changed life is now. So he's doing better. He's still sad and scared and worn down, but I think he's past the anger, and able to hear other people, appreciate the love he's shown.

He did eventually see a counselor, only due to an ultimatum from me, and that helped immensely. I wish I'd forced that earlier. I think I spent too much time accepting and it probably only enabled a mindset and behavior that was as bad for him as for those around him. I doubt you're in that situation, I'm guessing my husband handled things worse than the average bear, but that's the closest I can come to possible lessons learned from my experience. If things don't get better, he gets stuck in this emotional rut, eventually it may be that tough love is better than sweet love.

Know that there are many out here hoping the best for you and for him

Worried,
So sorry you are having such a rough time with the DH right now. Winter time is more difficult because we are often trapped indoors, not enough light, close proximity to family, and the holidays are stressful too. Snowballs.
It's ironic that today I wondered if Gary was depressed again. He only wants to sleep or sit in recliner. Even simple tasks overwhelm him. It is so hard to know what is cancer related and what is not. Gary brought up the idea that he may be depressed himself. So grateful he is open to that.
Would your DH get really p.o. if you brought up his depression at one of his Dr visits? Our medonc was really great when the subject was broached.
At any rate, I wish you the best.
Beth
PS. Time to revive "the corner...I'll give it a bump.

If your husband hasn't already, he should see if there is a prostate cancer support group in your area. One thing that I found, is that no matter how bad you think you have it there will almost certainly be someone in the group whose been through much worse. We have one such fellow in our group, now in his early 80s, who gives counseling to others. When I hear the number of trials and procedures he's been through over the last 20 years, it just boggles my mind.

Vent all you want. No one understands the problems you face better than the people on this board. I am quite sure my wife suffers and endures far more than I. Best wishes.