dont know what to do

Hey Juan104,
Welcome to the HW forum. Sounds like you are having a lot of anxiety right now. Hope the good folks here can help you. My husband didn't have a prostatectomy, so I'm not much good foe help there. But he can be stubborn about getting to the Dr. when somethings amiss.
I think before you will get much response, you'll have to give us more info. What are you seeing that you suspect infection? And what truth do you think he doesn't want to share.
In the meantime, you may just want to reassure him that you are there for him and available to listen if he wants to talk.
I hope this is helpful. Best wishes,
Beth

Relationship comments not PCa.

juan104 said...
.... He keeps trying to reassure me that he is fine but I'm not so sure. .... I think he feels I will leave if I know the truth. what do I do?

Ummm, I think to a large extent "I'm fine" is a common male pattern response macho type thing that we guys tend to think we are supposed to be saying. And, a lot of guys just don't like to be fussed over.

It's a sort of mindset that "If I don't make a big deal of this, it's not a big deal" and a "I can handle this without breaking stride" sort of thing.

I will say that the way my wife picks up on some physical issue that is really bothering me is if I say nothing at all. If I'm whining a bit she knows I'm fine.

Perhaps if you simply say "I'm concerned about you and feel you are shutting me out on information about your surgery."

Follow that with a comment to the effect that "We are going to be married and I believe that communication with your spouse should be better."

If he understands that you expect better communication in your relationship perhaps he will be more forthcoming with information.

juan104,

You say he had surgery recently. Usually on this forum "surgery" means removing the prostate gland because of a cancer. There are other sorts of prostate surgery, mostly to deal with a prostate that, while not cancerous, has grown so large that a man has trouble urinating. We will assume that your fiance had his removed since that's mostly what we talk about here. Most of the advice is the same either way.

Another question: how recent is "recently?" If his surgery is in the last three months then he will still be healing and his trip to the doctor that he doesn't want to talk about could be lots of things. It is not unusual for a man to be incontinent for several months after surgery (they wear pads) and it is also not unusual for the surgery to leave men impotent as his erectile nerves recover -- usually for three months to a year for men your fiance's age but occasionally longer.

Recovery from this sort of surgery can be frustrating and depressing for a lot of men -- it takes a long time and he may feel helpless because there is not much he can do to speed up the process. There is also not much you can do either. Just be patient with him and keep him company while he heals.

Let us know how we can help or if there are more questions we can answer.

Since he is fiance he may be embarrassed over wearing pads and and the incontinence issues after surgery if that is still a problem. surgery can also leave him impotent for awhile (I am hoping for progress there but so far none, also hard to think about sex if i am worried about peeing). don't know if y'all have discussed those issues so may be off base here.