Update October 28th

I agree no child should go through abuse, I also have nightmare still of one particular night in which one of my younger brothers (in real life) came very close to actually killing me and in my dreams sometimes I will dream that he really kills me. I was never close to my brother, my older brother 2 yrs older never wanted anything to do with me and always told me to shut up and go away and my little brothers didn't want me around either. Growing up in the 70's was nothing like today, were abuse is not tolerated today.
Sorry didn't mean to go off topic.
Have plans for when you get back from your trip on where you want to put your focus on in your health, maybe by getting one focus point you might start a new goal for your treatment.
Try to enjoy your trip for now and you have my prayers...

UPDATE THURSDAY NIGHT

Big surprise really. This morning, after thinking over all our options over night, we decided to cancel the Bermuda cruise. I was able to without losing any money. It was a huge relief to me, and my wife was very understanding, she had her own private reservations about this particular trip. That's the trouble when you have to book reservations so far in advance. She was not at all upset, in fact, she suggested it doing so before I actually did. She realizes the vulnerable position I am currently in, the midst of all my ongoing VA matters.

She very happy just to on vacation all next week, plus it involves 2 full weekends. Next week, we are planning a 2-3 day outing together more local. Going to spend a day and night in Charlotte, then a day or two in Asheville. Both are close enough to be in my driving range and comfort zone, and we like both places - plenty to do, but never more than 2 hours from home. We will just enjoy her time off and some special time together.
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On a separate note, had a long special meeting with one of my VA doctors, still a delicate balancing act going on. He was relieved that the cruised was cancelled. It still looks like I am heading for a period of in-patient care, perhaps starting in a couple of weeks or so. No definitive time line yet, but probably looking for a 3-6 weeks period of time. He feels, as he was afraid from the start, that the double depression is so entrenched, that I am already drug resistant, which will make it even more difficult to remedy. Feels there are more options if I were available to them in-patient, as opposed to being seen once a week from the outside.

He considers me high risk at the moment, and while I appear stable most of the time, he said that it wouldn't take much of a new event to trigger me off the deep end. That's why he's having to be extra cautious in his treatment plan.

He added one more med to the mix, and I am scheduled to see him on the 15h, at that time, unless I start showing signs (however small) of improvement, we will be making more serious plans. All of it scares me, and there are no "good" options.

At least with the cruise cancelled, I don't have to worry about having a major meltdown 1,000 miles from home. That was one of my fears about going. I never know how I am going to feel from moment to moment.

By then, I should have the final results of recent testing from my new oncologist and the neurologist, to determine if there are any medical/organic reasons for at some of what is going on with me.

He basically told me today, that the human brain can only take so much strain/stress,anxiety - even the toughest person, and you can break. He feels I passed my breaking point some time in the past, perhaps 2-3 years ago, and was in such a depressed natural state of mind, didn't realize anything was wrong or different.

We shall see

It was a huge mental weight off my head, almost instantly. In the end, I was going to just tough it out, suck it up, to make my wife happy, but she knew on her own there were serious reservations going on in my mind, and even her mind. She had her own issues being that far out to sea. On our Bahama cruises (3) we were never more than 50 miles from land, so it didn't bother her. She has her own fears about being on a ship far off in the ocean. She's told me before that she could never handle a trans-Atlantic cruise.

In the end, that problem has been resolved with both sides happy with the outcome. after 42 1/2 years of marriage, we pretty well understand one another, and sensitive to each other's needs and even fears.

Saturday evening update: Carnival kept their word, my money has already been credited back to my credit card for the canceled cruise. Had we gone today, we would have already been 6 hours out to see in the Atlantic. Neither my wife or I, have had even a second of doubt about changing our plans at the last minute. Funny how things can work out that way.

Since I was expected to be gone all this coming week, I have no medical appointments for an entire week, that's a vacation in itself. However, the following week, I am slammed.
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Thanks again Lynwood. Not terrified about the in-patient part, in some ways, it may be best for me, to be free of all my day to day activities and stress for a few weeks. Plus, I can be treated in a safer environment, and at a quicker pace. They can make adjustments on the spot, instead of me having to report in every 1-2 weeks as it is now.

Even though I had a major medical emergency at age 28, the Pancreatitis attack that put me in ICU for 10 days, followed by a major operation and another 10 days, I was fairly healthy until the first of 4 cancer events began around age 45. From 45-50, it was a total of 3 cancer events, many ops, and my first radiation. Fast forward to age 56, with my PC dx, and its been a nightmare in constant motion every since to my current age of 64. It's been a long last 8 years for sure. Sometimes, its one big blur of unpleasant events and a lot of pain trauma.

Plan is the same. Wife and I will be taking our mini-vacation for 4 days starting Tuesday, all in western NC at the peak of the fall foliage. Got all our hotel reservations lined up. Should be getting back home sometime Friday afternoon.

Then when I see the VA the following Tuesday, its time to get down to some serious talk about whether to do in-patient treatment or not. I just want there to be an end to some of this. Plus I should have a ton of major test and scan results back by then.

Lynnwood, I'm concerned as well and hope David has some answers or tests results...
Prayers to you David...

I generally post before I email him - if he's doing poorly don't want to flood him with emails if someone else already has updated info.