Sorry about this question....but I believe you are the only people /perfect who can help me!

I am asking you MEN out there in your elder years since you have more experience then anyone...you can possibly explain to me what is happening with my husband and if I will ever get him back :(.

Okay I am 35 and my husband is 36 years old. We have been married 4 years. When we first started dating and the beginning of our first year of marriage (it all stopped when I got pregnant....said he was too scared for the baby to do it) we had a very nice sex life where he initiated all the time and made me feel so desired and sexy.
He suffers from ED about 50 percent of the time, sometimes mid sex but it NEVER EVER bothered me and I never made it seem as if it did. I always made it appear to him like it was a thing that just happens..mainly because I didn't want to hurt his ego and he is the most wonderful man on the planet to me.

Anyway, long story short. For the past three years our sex life has been catastrophic. After my daughter we went 18 months without sex!!! He blamed on the fact that his father passed away which I truly believed depressed him and that he needs his time. Fast forward I want baby number 2. Well he had to succumb to me and he got VERY LUCKY I got pregnant again the first month!! So had baby number 2 and now I am in this rut, my husband for the past three years has NOT initiated sex. SO we had none. So I decided to pick up the pieces and try to "Revive" our sex life. Starting dressing up more for him, nice lingerie, didnt make a difference! THen I initiated...."I am too tired, I have a headache, my back hurts, etc." Maybe he gives in 20% of the time. He is wonderful in other ways, constantly kissing me, holding my hand, cuddling, tells me he loves me, etc. but it simply isn't enough :((

So I bursted. I told him I can't take this anymore it is affecting me mentally. I feel ugly, not desirable and I am getting angry with him. What does he tell me, he doesn't think sex is a big deal and why am I causing problems over this and his sex drive will come back one day we are just going through alot right now with family obligations. It's like the never ending excuse. HE told me he would try and I told him okay I am waiting...one week went by (I know not long) and I bursted again. We got into a huge fight and I feel like I hurt him I told him I am too young to live like this and I love him so much and its so hard not to share and express the love that I have....you know what he tells me.... sometimes he doesn't enjoy sex. Sometimes its nice and other times it feels like a chore :(((( I am so depressed right now I don't know what to do.

My question to you all.... Could it be possible my husband's sex drive comes back???? We are moving to another state to be closer to family so life can be easier for us with kids, maybe that new environment and chance can help?? What causes this? Has anyone went through this before? Do I have misconceptions about men and how much they enjoy and want sex?
Everything I read online is just so depressing. It seems like once its gone its gone!!!!! I cant believe sometimes he doenst enjoy sex that hurts me so much and I don't know how I can get this though out of my head.

You might be better off getting responses on the franktalk.com forum.

Performance anxiety is probably a big factor. The 50% ED may not bother you, but it may bother him. He has to rule out organic causes first. Cardiovascular issues and diabetes are the top causes of ED. It may be related to metabolic syndrome too, if his BMI is high. Certain drugs, like beta blockers, antidepressants, and decongestants have a dampening effect. Smoking and alcohol are bad for it too. One clue is morning erections - is he getting them regularly? Other organic causes may include venous leak. Those are some of the more common organic causes of erectile dysfunction.

There may be organic causes for low libido as well. His testosterone and DHT levels should be checked. Low T level is a libido killer. It can be replaced. There are medicines that may have an affect on libido, especially dopamine agonists. There are doctors who specialize in sexual medicine - he should see one.

One way to insure a "win" that may bolster confidence is injectables, like trimix. As long as there is no venous leak, it will provide long-lasting erections whether the libido is there or not. A VED pump with a constriction ring may provide usable erections. Other ED meds -pills like Viagra, Levitra or Cialis, only work along with libido. If there is venous leak, a penile implant will always work.

If organic causes are ruled out, he can work with a psychotherapist on psychological/relationship causes, and perhaps explore alternative methods of stimulation for both of you. I think it will serve you both better to treat it as a, perhaps curable, disease, rather than a failure on his part.

Some people, both men and women, aren't very interested in sex. Since my surgery I haven't been able to get an erection and it does not seem to bother my wife at all since her interest in sex has been very low for years. Until my surgery I wanted some kind of sexual experience nearly every day, so it's hard for me to relate to your husband. I would be skeptical that emotional issues would keep him from initiating sex for three years, but of course I'm no expert. I'm inclined to think that there must be a medical explanation of some kind. I would keep after him in a gentle way to see a doctor, the both of you together. Make the appointment yourself because he won't take the initiative himself, I would guess. I wish you the best of luck. And I hope that neither you nor your husband ever have to come back here because of prostate cancer.

Dear need help. I know this off topic of cancer quite a bit, but the folks here are always so willing to try to help out. My daughter and her husband are having similar issues after having a second baby, and I think external factors do get in the way. IMHO, once settled you should make some appointments for you and your husband both to get a primary care Dr, and go with him and bring it up. And it wouldn't hurt to get some counselling too. But you might have to be proactive and make the appointments and insist he go. Try telling him it is important to you that he makes this step and begins to feel comfortable discussing it so that your marriage stays strong for those kids. What's up with the thyroid cancer, btw. Is he on meds that could have ed side effects?
Good luck,
Beth

I'm with trailguy
You need to seek help in this way you might be able to see what he's feeling.
From a man of 75 I can say that you're man has to want help,so the next best thing is for you to get the support you need from a professional
Wishing you well

celebrate life said...
IMHO, once settled you should make some appointments for you and your husband both to get a primary care Dr, and go with him and bring it up.

I agree, a conversation with a doc would be a good but I would add to make sure your husband is on board with having the talk with the doc. If I were having issues and my wife sand-bagged me about my performance, or lack there of, at the doctors office I don't think it would be a productive conversation, perhaps it may make matters worse.

Thank
You all so
Much!!! I just don't understand the ED was present form the beginning of our relationship but it didn't affect his desire for me. Could ED affect a mans feelings of wanting to have sex too?

Thanks TallAllen but it just baffles
Me
Because the ED is nothing new, he always had the problem.

I completely understand where you are coming from but even though he does suffer ED 75 percent of the time he orgasms.

I see what you mean. Well as for now medical intervention isn't an option...(the funny thing is, he is a doctor, i thought maybe he would know if something was off..but I guess you have to truly care to fix it.) I promised him that I would be patient and let him "work on it" whatever that means. So I guess I don't have a choice now. I also did give up on initiating because I can't take being denied anymore.

I just think it is so weird. Everywhere they idiolize sex like it is the best thing in the world. Don't you think he would want to have that? Gosh I guess his sexual desire at this point is 0 that he doesn't even care. Do you thin he will come around and things will fix themselves, could that ever happen? I NEVER ever showed that I was frustrated or upset. I even feel like when I touch him in an intimate way or even hug him too long he pushes me off.. okay I am crying now, it is making me so depressed.

I think all of us reach a point where we knot up, wheter male or female. We march in one direction for so long, and just keep adding the stress of work, kids, parents, juggling daily activities like at no other time in the history of mankind. On top of that comes the frustration of the other partner for unmet needs -some types of personalities will openly address it, others will hide from it even more. It is a rut that the two people cannot solve. You need a third person, a coach, a therapist. That would be good regardless of whether he has a low T or not. But definitely check all those things that Tall A. mentioned, as they could be causing his ED. I fully understand that it can be frustrating and you are right to feel and express yourself. I hope you can overcome it and get to know and understand each other even better.