My dad has passed. I am heartbroken

hi all,

as some of you know, my dad was dealing with prostate cancer that had mutated into high grade neurodendocrine carcinoma after metastasising. his med onc decided on a wait and watch approach as only a singular spine met showed up on scans. in a month though, the cancer had spread everywhere and he was riddled with innumerable mets. his liver was full and had a marbled appearance on scans. the onc refused chemo but my mom took my dad to emergency and there a panel of more senior docs decided to try it

he spent 3 weeks in hospital with an initially encouraging response but then went downhill rapidly.

we lost him on june 17. i am so devastated and heartbroken. we were with him during those 3 weeks day and night, as the hospital let us sleep over. i'm so grateful we got that time with him and got to look after him.

the process of deterioration and decline is so much worse than i had imagined, as is everything else surrounding the death - funeral arrangements, coming home from the hospital to a house without him, seeing his stuff, seeing people with their dads...so many things.

i just want him back. we tried so darn hard and he was so brave, positive and amazing. he didn't complain even once and was strong as hell through the whole thing. still positive, still trying to make us laugh, still being his fun, playful, jokey self as long as he possibly could.

he was more like a friend than a dad. it feels so awful and empty to lose him. this disease is so cruel and so nasty.

thanks to all who were so kind and supportive through this ordeal. what's making it worse is that he wasn't offered hospice care and we were pretty much thrown in the deep end at the hosptial and left to fend for ourselves. no emotional support or guidance on end of life options (or even what those options are...we were never given any information at all) is that normal? the onc just said he has hours to days to live and then left the room. some leaflets or something on what the palliative options are or what our options are in general to make him more comfortable would've been helpful, but they weren't offered.

so he spent the last days in the hospital on morphine, totally out of it as it was dosed high and he just slept and went into a comatose state.

the liver damage made the kideny work overdrive so he was all swollen...including his feet. also jaundinced. just horrifcly devastating to see him like that. it's not fair. if it wanted to take him, why not quickly? he is a man who has helped so many people, always so generous with his time, smiles, energy, and positivity. he cheered everyone on and was just so kind and gentle.

the worst has happened and i still don't know how to get through it. any advice would be appreciated so much

Same way my father went out so I know its not pleasant to experience.
Sorry for your loss.

Sad news.

Condolences on your loss.

It's never easy to lose a parent.

Peace,
Andrew

your father has left you....but that empty space will lessen.

My dad was lost over 20 years ago. There's not a day goes by that I do not think of him...his laughter, that loving feeling he emanated....the gregariousness of his big personality....and his ability make others laugh at what was felt to be taboo subjects that everyone was thinking no one dared speak aloud of...

His common sense. (One of his *many* assets) (smile)

In many ways snowcake....it's almost as if I feel closer to him now than I ever have.


You father sounds like he was a really really great, all around guy. You'll miss him terribly...but he'll never fully leave you .... he'll live on through you

I am so sorry for your loss.

Peace be with you........and yours

Post Edited (island time) : 7/14/2017 7:15:31 PM (GMT-6)

Very sorry to hear of the passing of your father. I know you have many wonderful memories and they will keep you going day and night.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Dave

I'm so terribly sorry. We have been in your situation, and it is just horribly difficult and painful, there are no words that can help. I am sorry that this has happened to your Dad and your family.
Bill in MS

I am so sorry for your loss. I too experienced the pain and anguish of losing a Dad to this dreaded disease. Take care, thoughts and prayers are with you.

Snowcake, I know how hard you tried and yearned for this not to happen. There may be times when you think things would have been different if only.... but I think it's important you don't think that way.

Think about your dad, who loved you and tried to make you laugh even when it would have been difficult to do so. Think about the life he would have wanted you to live. Live that life to the best of your ability. That would be the best thing to give your dad.

So sorry for your loss.

An

I'm also sorry for your loss. I'm sure that your father would expect you to go through a grieving period but it is likely also his deepest wish that the positive impressions he left you would have more of an impact on the quality of your life than his death. It is obvious that you are a wonderful daughter - all the best.

Snowcake -

May he rest in peace -

Bobby Mac

Very sincere condolences on your loss.

Here are sentiments from another daughter who also lost her dad to prostate cancer. I hope the feelings expressed may be of some comfort to you:


My Dad My Angel
by Jamie Cirello

Your battle is now over, no more tears flowing down your cheek,
no more pain, no more suffering, now you are no longer weak.
I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad, the greatest man I ever knew.
Although you will not be here to walk me down the aisle,
when that day comes I know you will be by my side with a smile.
You were always there for me and never once made me cry,
until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye.
Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
please wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.
Our time together was memorable and God took you way too fast,
But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,
and me being there for your last.

From:
/www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-dad-my-angel
(site is OK with people reposting poems from it)

Dear Snowcake,

I have followed your posts from the beginning. You have all my thoughts of care and compassion right now.

All of us here share in your feelings of loss ... you have the support of all of us.

Your dad is now sheltered from the storms of life ... he is at peace.

Going forward ... sometimes that's the hardest part, isn't it? But that's what life calls us to do ...

I wish for you ... peace ... comfort ... and most of all ... solace.

You asked for advice ... here are a couple of thoughts ...

Nothing better than some long walks, whenever you need to ... a chance to contemplate, reflect, and pray, if you wish, during these walks.

Something else ... when the time comes along ... think of something to do in HONOR of your dad ... a gift to a charity he would endorse ... volunteer for a project that connects your good memories of him with you ... plant a tree ... participate in a cancer charity event, someday down the road ...

Dealing with loss is a process ... it takes time and it can't be rushed ... sometimes, "one step forward, but two steps back" along the way ...

Stay closely connected to friends, family, and faith, in whatever form that takes for you.

Thinking of you, Snowcake! Your devotion to your dad has always been so evident. Treasure the golden memories you have of him. Those are the important memories now.

Peace and prayers,
"Cyclone" ~ Iowa State University