Talking with old friends you happen to run into: bring up the PCa or not?

While shopping in my local Walmart store the other day, I happened to notice a woman about my age standing in the aisle I was in, as I was looking over some merchandise. I kept looking at her, and she seemed so very familiar to me, somehow, like I knew, or had known her before, perhaps when we were both much younger.

I studied her face for a minute or two, and then it hit me. This was Rita, my good friend from the days when we were both students at the University of Florida, a good fifty years ago! We were both much older now of course, but for sure it was her! I recognized her!

She must have been going through the same mental process as well, because a few seconds after I realized it was her, she smiled a big smile, and came over, offering a handshake, and said "Steve, how nice to see you! How are you?" And I replied "Yes, it certainly has been a long time, hasn't it, Rita?"

So of course we chatted there in the middle of the aisle for several minutes, she telling me that she was in town only for a short visit, and she told me about her life over the years, her husband, children, career, etc, and me doing the same for her, a time for "catching up" for the two of us. Then, after a while, we wished each other well, and we both moved on to continue our shopping.

Then, as I was moving along in the store, tending to my purchases, it occurred to me that I had not brought up or said anything about the PCa as I was recounting some of the noteworthy points of my life to her. I would have had no problem bringing it up, and we actually did discuss briefly, but only generally, our respective health situations, especially in view of our common age. But from the way the conversation was going, pretty upbeat really, maybe it just didn't seem like something I felt needed mentioning. There were other, more positive things that we were talking to each other about.

So what would you have done? Remember, we're not talking about relatives, coworkers, bosses, long-time friends, and such, people steadily in our lives, but people like my friend Rita, people from the past, that you just happen to run into in a store every now and then, and are unlikely to be seeing again any time soon, if ever.

With that sort of person, someone from the past that you once knew, one could, I suppose, go into any amount of detail about such a health issue, since it would seem rather unlikely that that person, remotely from your past, and unlikely to be seeing you or anyone you know again, would then be on a position to pass on this information to anyone you know now.

There are also a number of places where a similar scenario might occur. Perhaps you are on a plane ride, and the fellow passenger seated next to you is chatty, and the subject of health comes up. Since you will likely never see this person again following departure from the plane, and this person is most unlikely to ever share any information with anyone you know, would you be interested in talking about the cancer with him or her, even going into detail?

If it's that kind of person, would you be willing to talk about your PCa history openly with them, or would you still prefer to keep it to yourself?

Nope, not anymore.
1) it makes them uncomfortable
2) chases friends away (I guess they were never friends, eh?)

For me, typically not. Like Prato said, in contex. I saw a former coworker on the street and she mentioned she had a cervical cancer scare, so I talked decided to talk about my cancer with her. My brother blabbed my cancer to my small hometown without my permission and I wish he hadn't. Not really a big deal though. At work only my supervisor knows. When I eventually go on ADT I suppose my coworkers will wonder why I'm having hot flashes, so when the time comes I will be very open to discussing my cancer with them. In the meantime I will keep it private because I have what is probably an irrational fear that they will treat me differently after they know.

I've always tended to keep it to myself and have only told family and close friends.

and a few hundred followers of my blog.

When I meet people face to face, I rarely bring it up. If the conversation leads to it talking about PC, I will, but mostly I don't.

There are times I do talk about it, like when discussing my poetry (which has a lot of roots to my PC experience) or where I think sharing might help someone.

Andrew

I am an open book about my cancer and have no issues discussing it with anyone. However, I'll point out that is a lot easier for me since I'm retired and don't have workplaces issues to deal with and have made a full recovery so there are no nasty side effects that might come up. I think if either of those was the case with me I would be less forthcoming.

Having said that, I think I would have handled that situation exactly the same way you did.

Jim

I agree with what Prato said. I am open about my disease and will talk about it if I think it will help someone else in any way.

I forgot to mention. Great post!

Yep, Starfinder, no one knows for sure when it's coming.

When I let my supervisor at work know about my cancer it was because I was expecting I would be on ADT shortly and I thought I should give her a heads up on how it might affect my job. She asked about my prognosis and I gave her the good news that I should be alive for at least a few years, but the bad news was that the cancer almost certainly would significantly shorten my life expectancy. Naturally, she seemed troubled by this news. I then leaned in and playfully whispered to her, “not everybody knows this, but we're all going to die.” She got a wry smile on her face it seemed to put her at ease. We then had a very productive conversation about how we could deal with any problems my treatments might pose for my job.

Post Edited (mattamx) : 8/17/2017 9:00:52 PM (GMT-6)

^^ Both of these are excellent posts above, Matt and Starfinder.

Thank you for your tremendous insight into the not so obvious.

People close to me know but we generally don't discuss it in great detail as my health is pretty good. As for acquaintances, in my opinion they just don't need to know.

Schlimazel is a yiddish fusion word from schlim=crooked and mazel=luck. A schlimazel is a person who has chronic bad luck. As the blues song puts it:

Born under a bad sign, been down since I began to crawl
If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all

Leo Rosten put it this way (Joys of Yiddish):
“A schlemiel is one who always spills his soup, a schlimazel is the one on whom it always lands. A schlimazel’s toast always falls butter-side down. A schlemiel always butters his toast on both sides.”

TA you did a better job than I ever could have.

I've been wrestling with this the last few months since I was diagnosed, I try to keep it a secret from anyone who doesn't need to know, especially neighbors, because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. After surgery I kept the blinds closed.

At 64 I am semi-retired from an intensely competitive, extremely physical occupation, I did not want word to get out because the sharks will start to circle. Growing up, the only thing I knew about PC surgery was: Diapers, Incontinence and Loss of Erections, so I am not inclined to advertise it.

In my experience within my extended family, having cancer meant "so and so was going to die". It may take a few years, but the C word meant death was hovering. At least this was so with the older relatives, modern medicine gives us a reprieve. Although I have a heart issue and diabetes I would never bring it upon when we would socialize with other couples, and now that I am 64 it's unbelievable how "old people" immediately launch into their medical conditions when they aren't talking about their grand children. Ever notice that? Boring...

But the main reason to not bring it up, if it is not germane to the conversation, is: You are making the other person very, very uncomfortable. (The exception would be if they also have a cancer.) The person doesn't know how to react. If you tell them that your parent just passed away, or a sibling, they know how to respond with a customary social convention. However, looking at you after you just gave them the news, they don't know what to express. Meaning, you just put them on their back foot into an uncomfortable position and now they have to come up with some sympathetic statement to you. Almost like a power game. So why do this?

Lastly, when I did mention I had PC, invariably most folks blew it off with statements such as, "My grandad had that and he lived into his late eighties!" The message being: It is so slow growing you have nothing to worry about. They don't know from a Gleason score, or AS, or mets. The vast majority of people think PC is no great danger. Notice that?

Nick