Six Years

Below is a reflection I wrote and posted on my blog page about one of my experiences with RT. I thought I'd share it here. Six years ago this month I was in the midst of my IMRT treatments and not enjoying life as much as I wanted.

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Six years ago this month I was spending my mornings taking off my pants, putting on a hospital gown and lying beneath the beam of a radiation machine. 26 times I felt the technicians pull me into place. 26 times the beast of a machine spun around me and delivered it’s invisible radiation. There was every emotion in the world under that machine, fear, hope and even a bit of laughter as I’d tell the tech some minor joke.

I remember one thing the most – my shoes.

I had a pair of brown slip-on shoes. They were more like slippers, but made for the office and guys like me who hate to tie shoe laces. In the dressing room I’d take off my shirt, pants and underwear, but I’d get to keep on my tee-shirt, socks, and was told to put my shoes back on for the walk to the machine. Stripped of all dignity, save for my fancy office shoes and a plain hospital gown.

Just before I’d get on the table in the treatment room, I’d have to surrender my shoes. They sat on the floor next to the table, waiting for the treatment to end.

Technicians would push and pull my body until it lined up with the laser beams shooting out the walls and ceiling. Then with my gown pulled up, I lie half exposed to the world as the techs retreated to the control room and the noise of the machine drowned out the 80’s rock and roll music they thought I’d like.

5 minutes became 10 and then an entirety as my mind drifted to that place of no thought where I held my body rigid and my emotions at bay. Life seemed to just drain away as I looked up at the whirling machine and the clouds painted on the ceiling.

When the machine retreated and the music again fell in my ear I sensed a person next to me pulling my gown down to cover my nakedness. Gentle words were spoken and strong hands pulled me up to a sitting position.

“Let me do the work.”

“Take your time.”

Were the words I most remember before my eyes could shed the mist of the distant land where my mind had been. The first vision I most recall was of the floor,

and the shoes waiting to walk me home.

Peace,
Andrew

Nice reflection. I only removed my wallet, keys and phone from my pockets and took off my belt and shoes (they told me I could leave my shoes on, but I was more comfortable in my socks)- sort of like when one boards a plane. I had to loosen my pants so they could hit my "tattoos" with a laser for the rough bench positioning. That was it. Never wore a hospital gown. I wonder why they made you strip? And how could they site te tattoos through your hospital gown?

Tall Allen said...
... I only removed my wallet, keys and phone from my pockets and took off my belt and shoes (they told me I could leave my shoes on, but I was more comfortable in my socks)- sort of like when one boards a plane. I had to loosen my pants so they could hit my "tattoos" with a laser for the rough bench positioning. That was it. Never wore a hospital gown.

My experience exactly. This is Florida so usually it was drawstring shorts, no belt. And I have an old pair of sneakers that I use like they were loafers... I never tie the laces. Sometimes the techs would have to remind me to lower my shorts as I got on the table or to not forget my shoes when I got off. They were always very friendly, but most of the other guys were my age or even much older, and probably a lot of us with Lupron brain. Other than the gas pains and frequent diarrhea the entire period went quickly, including the three days without power due to hurricane Irma.

I'm sure everyone of us can look at our own sig and where each line that appears to be a simple statistic, but for us, the patient, that one line represents tremendous effort and anguish, fear and indecision, hope and pain, apprehension, disappointment and remorse. And it takes one who has been thru more than just a few procedures to begin to understand what the other guys with the lengthy sigs have been thru.

Post Edited (RobLee) : 2/26/2018 9:37:52 AM (GMT-7)

Thank you guys for posting your experiences it is so helpful to know what to expect as my hubby starts his 1st radiation tx today. So for with the trial run he says he does get into a pair of hospital pants with draw strings and they positioned him on the table (not sure how). He will need to take a gasx pill every night and in the am prior to therapy, I guess he was full of gas the day of the run thru. His RO suggested he drink 100% pure cranberry juice daily, I think this may be actually adding to the gas build up. Has any other toasties used cranberryjuice to twart SE? He will be getting 44txs starting this am, and he will see RO every Wednesday. I have so many questions I need to ask, as my hubby does not seem to have any. I want to ask him what will he consider cured as this is supposedly his goal. How will he determine this. Why has he not had a pre-treatment PSA since Oct. or a testosterone level. How many gys will be delivered during tx. Will he need ADT after tx (hubby is opposed to further ADT). Are there any other questions I should be asking. Any suggestions are welcomed and thanks all for your continued support.

F8 - This was at the then new Kaiser cancer center on Homestead. They'd only been there a year or two when I showed up.

TA - don't know why they had us strip. I'm guessing for their convenience/standard protocol that no one questioned. And they did have the gown lifted when lining up the tattoos (my story doesn't make that clear).

Larry - I was always happy that I didn't have any kind of plastic form to wear and didn't get any 'sunburn'

RobLee - we often forget that there is a story behind the numbers.

Paxton - that was often my question, "The beam does turn on, right?"

bjj0619 - They have lasers in the wall that they line up with little tattoos on his body. Then when the machine starts there is a quick CT scan and the computer fine tunes the alignment based on what it sees. Keep asking the docs questions.

The variety of procedures is interesting.

Mine was simple. They held a cloth at waist level while I dropped my trousers and shorts. Then I backed onto the table ("couch" they called it. Ha! just hard plastic) and laid down. They could see the marks (tattoos, but just sharpie marks covered with a plastic film), aligned with the lasers for rough positioning. My feet were held against a foam block by a simple velcro strap. No removing shoes or anything, no molded forms, nothing else. They said just fixing the feet was enough to keep anything else from moving.

Then the machine took orthogonal x-rays to locate my implanted markers for the fine alignment. A few jostles of the table, and the machine started its maniacal whine and circled me twice. Circle one way, pause to configure the emitter, and then back the other way. Reset the table, step down, pull up garments, and away we go.

I was in and out of the room in about 12 minutes most days.

I had SBRT at MSK in New Jersey. At my simulation visit, they made a mold and I got my tattoos. During my radiation visits, I had to strip down and put on the infamous blue gown. Once on the table, they lift the gown and strap you in with the mold they made to keep you from moving. That thing was always cold. When treatment was done, off came the mold and out came a helping hand as InTheShop said. My treatments were done in 5 days. Sometimes, with this disease, the worst part are the indignities you suffer. But after the first 5 or 6 pokes and prods, it becomes another day of exhibitionism......

Not every RO does the mold. The 2x thing is normal. The first pass is a targeting pass, second pass is the radiation pass.

As I spent the week of SBRT staying right in the same complex I just wore sweats and sneakers. Preferred to be alone with my thoughts and "HAL" yes in my mind I referred to the Cyberknife as "HAL", I didn't let them play any music.

For such a "non event" it is momentous and will be with me always.....Every minute of it.

Roger

As always Andrew I enjoy your words. Thank you.

Andrew.
Your post brought back memories.I felt your words.Good one.
Wings
P.S. Thanks for getting me past my last numbered post. I did not want to be devilish!!!

555j...not even the song "Daisy Daisy"?...give me your answer...true

Wow! Thanks for the memories, Andrew and all of you!

When I was on the table getting the zaps almost six years ago now, the last thing on my mind was that I would be reminiscing about it years later.

And for some reason, in my own case, the wandering mental image that came to mind as I was lying there on that table wasn't the malevolent HAL, but rather Dr. Frankenstein, the nighttime lightning storm, and the creature on the table.

Maybe not all that relevant to what my situation actually was at the time, granted, but, my, how the mind wanders in such situations!

Perhaps reminiscence of this sort has a value, in that being removed from such an experience for a while affords us the opportunity to look back on it now from a different perspective, and learn or realize things about it in retrospect that weren't apparent to us then.

And, a tip of the hat to HAL:

/www.youtube.com/watch?v=TakqPZu4dEw