I've pretty much had it with dad's attitude and I don't know what to do!

Hi all, thanks for the replies. There is a lot more going on than just the smoking. It's not that I'm some kind of spoiled brat that is going to run out on him because he had a cigarette. It's just his attitude toward the whole works. It's the fact that I have been banging my head on the wall for years trying to guide my dad along in this. Even his oncologist threatened to pass him to another doctor because his attitude is so bad. My dad fights with my mom constantly, always trying to start arguments. Tonight he told me really rudely how he won't be around and how I won't have to worry about it. My mom was making dinner and he told her he was going out to get himself something to eat because, "I don't want to sit with HER and have dinner." Last time it was how he was getting the hell out of the house and going to go live in the Walmart parking lot in his truck.
I am the only one who is overly concerned about him. I try to go to the end of the earth for him and it's just the same old thing. He sits in the chair hanging his mouth open as if he is dying, trying to get attention or sympathy or both. He won't help himself, how can I help him? I can't. I don't want to see him go downhill and just give up so easily. Wouldn't anyone be frustrated? I try hard to be upbeat for him even though that is not in my nature but he resists and chooses to live his life that way.
For me to save my own sanity, I have to back off a little bit. For me it's hard to say it's his life because it makes me feel like I don't care. That's what my post is about, not trying to control his life!
Another thing, my dad was always more like a kid than my dad. I have always felt that I need to take care of him. So I've always felt I've had a lot on my plate growing up. I've always felt sorry for him. I have had to guide him along all my life because he can't even guide himself. So if anybody wants to talk about how they want to write a big long negative post about me, why don't you first learn all the facts?

Post Edited (LisaInIndiana) : 6/29/2018 8:37:37 PM (GMT-6)

Peter, I have discussed my dad's problems in other posts, (i.e. his attitude, etc.) You don't need to apologize to me. My dad has been like this for quite some time, even before his PCa. The PCa has just added to the problems. When my dad was diagnosed, he had a PSA of 16. Well he went through radiation and HT and I guess in his mind he figured that a PSA of 16 was either the worst you could get or an extremely bad number. He once started a fight with my mom telling her he hoped his PSA was up to 16. I would have said that before but I was too embarrassed to mention it. There's all these guys who want to fight and want to live and are looking forward to what they want to do in life, and then there's my dad who lays in bed all day and talks about what kind of flowers he wants my mom to put on his grave.
I understand depression because I have major depression myself. But you've gotta help yourself and get your act together. Everybody has enough problems in their own lives. In my opinion, everyone should try to pull together to help each other. He doesn't do his part. He can't even make himself a sandwich. He couldn't even take a lid off a cake box to have himself a piece of cake. He wants us to do it all for him. When he gets mad at my mom he stops taking his antidepressants to get back at her. So of course then it gets worse. My family can't stand this anymore, but I'm still there trying to fix everything because I love my family.

CADogsRus, you are exactly right. You understand me completely. Yes that is the position I am in right now. How do you think I can direct my focus elsewhere? Do you have any ideas of how I can do this and not feel guilty about it?

Don't get me wrong, I like to spend time with my dad. But only during the times he is not acting like a fool. If I tell him that I'm not listening to his negativity, he says, "now you're against me," or "you side with her all the time." Then he feels sorry for himself more. I always fall into it because I hate to see him lonely. My sister doesn't really give him the time of day because of the way he is. I'm just going to have to explain to him that I can't handle all this negativity, but I know he will not care how it makes me feel, he only cares about how he feels. Tonight I went there to go swimming with my nieces and nephews. I didn't have much contact with him and his negativity and I had a good time. His negativity sucks all your energy away from you, but it didn't tonight. You're right, my mom has had it with this situation. She is always saying how she doesn't feel like she can do it anymore. But what is she going to do? She's too old now to change her life. She spends a lot of time at my sister's to get away from it all, and then he gets mad about that because she's not sitting there waiting on him all day. I told my husband I am sick of it. I have my own family and he told me to stop worrying about him and worry about us instead.
I'm sorry to keep going on about all this. It goes far beyond PCa which is why we're supposed to be here.

My dad's mother was a complete ***** and a ***** so I believe that's why he is the way he is. There was nothing but dysfunction in his family. So you can see how it's trickling down.
It sounds like the reason your brother and sister never came to see her is because of her attitude. That's why my sister doesn't come around. He has nothing good to say about her kids and my mother. She's more of the type that can blow him off, while I am the type to keep going back for more crap. I visit my parents on Sundays and when we are having good conversations it makes it feel worthwhile. But like Kathy says, worrying won't change the outcome of whatever is going to happen. I am going to try to focus on other things with my family and my sister's family. It makes me feel a lot better, but of course my dad is still in my mind because I will always care about him. I am going to try to explain to my dad other peoples' situations such as the ones Kathy mentioned. While PCa is no good, things could be a lot worse.

Have you discussed with his doctors about having a consultation with a mental health team? If he is anything like my family was, he will not be happy with the implication, but maybe a simple medication addition for depression would make him feel well, more human. Might not go anywhere but it will help you, and your mom, to know everything was attempted to help him later on. I apologize if I missed where this approach was tried. My sister and I endured caring for both of our toxic parent’s health declines and deaths. We learned from professionals that clear boundaries of acceptable behavior are necessary,though difficult to establish. My heart goes out to you and your mother for living through this.

Hi everyone, thanks again for your replies. This situation has not gotten any easier since my last post. In fact, it has been much worse. My dad has been worried a lot about his PCa and I don't think he knows how to handle it and that's why he starts arguments with my mom. He woke her up the other morning and told her he wished he would never have married her. She got upset with him and told him she's had it with his actions and words. Well that's when my dad told us he wanted to die and that when left for an errand, that he had a gun to his head. He says he is in a lot of pain and it never eases up and he just wants to die. He says the pain is in his stomach and he said he thought it was the cancer "eating it up." I got pretty concerned of course so I called the police and they came and took him to the hospital. There they gave him a CT scan to try to determine what was going on. They found that he has gal stones and stomach inflammation as well as a mildly thickening bladder wall. They told my dad they didn't see any evidence of cancer on his CT scan anywhere. It seems as though he doesn't believe anyone and all he talks about is his PSA going to 100 and he's scared he is going to die. They told him at the cancer center not to worry about it and that they often change medications for people and that the time he is off of it will not have that much effect on him. After the ER visit, they took him to a mental center. That is where he is now. I tried to explain to him that he is not dying and even if his PSA went up it would not be the end of his road. It is very stressful for my mom as you can imagine.

My opinion is that there should be better support available for people who have cancer, as it seems like they pretty much just tell you to take your pills and go home. It seems to me that mental health is often neglected. I know my dad's case is extreme but I know there are many more people out there who could benefit from better support. I know there are support groups but I think it might be a little hard for him to get motivated to go. Perhaps a one-on-one therapist would be better. I am hoping my dad will get a medication adjustment in the meantime, but unfortunately, I don't know how much good it will do. This is not the first time my dad's been in a mental hospital, nor the second, nor the third, etc. I don't know how many times he's been in a mental hospital to be honest. They keep him a couple days and send him home and nothing's really resolved. I don't know what to do for him anymore. It breaks my heart to see him cry. I know he is worried about his upcoming PSA test and I wish he wouldn't even ask for the results and just let them worry about it but I know he'd never be satisfied with that. He'd want to know.
All of you other guys on here seem to be positive and are dealing with your own PCa issues and sharing your stories. I wish my dad could be more like that but as you can tell, he has major issues aside of his PCa. He doesn't understand a lot of things people tell him and I think that makes him even more scared.
So this is where we are at now. He said the doctor may send him home tomorrow but as far as I am concerned, he should stay where he's at.

Just a thought...... does your Father have an independent Social Worker assigned to coordinate and evaluate his physical/mental/emotional abilities to make a successful transition back into the home after each unfortunate event, and to be able to either perform or to be assisted with all the various Activities of Daily Living?

With referrals to various specialists, they may or may not find contributing factors of mental health problems, or decreased cognitive/brain abilities, etc., that might be able to send him on a path that provides more "room" and help for your Mom, and all the current challenges you and she face. It might lead to some kind of extra in-home care coming in for certain things, or some kind of day-care program that gives her a break some of the time, or, perhaps later, even a move to a facility more suited to his total care needs. (Realizing, however, that family $ resources & insurance coverage can still be constraints.)

As for his actual prostate cancer status, or progression of symptoms/capabilities, and prognosis, for some things it is often helpful to call in Palliative Care assistance earlier, rather than later. The same goes for Hospice Care services of all kinds. When appropriate, it's not just "giving up", but, rather, it's often one of the best things that can be done for someone as they come anywhere near the final 6 months of life (as opposed to the final 2-14 days of life). Quality of Life for everybody is often improved, and there are even some times when people "graduate" from hospice, and later restart.

If your Mother is also comparably old, she might be comparably seen and evaluated to take a realistic "fresh look" at her own daily activities capabilities, unmet needs, and, especially the escalating caregiver burdens for your Father. They both need good care people, and supportive plans for the future.

Just some thoughts......

Charles